Holy
crap in a Bundt pan...
Due to the
recent well-publicized shortage of
amateur websites produced by assholes who consider themselves to be
clever, I
have been called into action. My name is Jeff Kay, and I’m an
Ugly American living
on the cusp of a mid-life crisis, near Scranton, PA. And I’m here to
serve, baby.
The
State of My Fat Ass A journal of
sorts, updated every once in a while.
--
It's that time of year again, my friends, time for winter fantasizing
about summer trips. Yes, it's a tradition we cherish. And since we now
have no way of hitching up the rolling box o' beds, it's taken on a
whole different feel this season. We're forced to be more creative, and
shake things up a bit.
Unfortunately, one trip in particular is going to dominate the cash
flow, and will therefore limit our excursions. After years of broken
promises, it looks like we're going to have to fly the entire family out
to Nevada in July, for a Sunshine & Mumbles extravaganza. I don't
mind visiting them (I guess), I just hate to pay all the airfare and
hotel costs. But apparently the time has come.
We'll try to make the best of it. However, I fear it'll end up being
five days on Sunshine's couch, listening to batshit rants and crackpot
conspiracy theories. Thousands of dollars for the privilege!
Both Secrets have flown several times, but were so young they can't
remember it. So that part will be an adventure for them. And it could
be OK, if we're not held hostage in Sunny's apartment. We can spend a
day at Lake Tahoe, and maybe knock back a few brews at the Bucket O'
Blood Saloon in Virginia City, etc. And, of course, there's always the
outlandish buffets at the casinos.... I'm a big fan of the outlandish
buffets.
We'll just have to set the agenda, which is not an easy thing to do with
Sunshine involved. She's, as they say, astrong personality.
But the money will energize me; anger and resentment are a powerful
motivator, I've learned.
I'm far more excited about our other big trip. We're planning to drive
down to West Virginia in June and leave the Secrets and Andy at my
parents' house, for several days of spoiling. And Toney and I will
continue on to Atlanta. We haven't been there in ten years, and I'm all
fired up about it.
At my job I can get discounts on various things, and through that
program it looks like we'll be able to stay at a fancy-pants hotel in
Buckhead, for about $80 per night. And while we're there we'll eat and
drink and submerge ourselves in all our favorite Atlanta places.
They include, but aren't limited to
Manuel's Tavern, Moe's and Joe's (where Pabst draft is the beverage
of choice, known as "the finest"), La Fonda Latina Cuban
restaurant, Wallace Barbecue in Austell, the Vortex ("it's never
too late to start wasting your life"), the Colonnade (put some
South in your mouth), The Varsity ("What'll you have?!"), and
Everybody's Pizza.
Those are just off the top of my head, and there are lots of others, I'm
sure. Atlanta is all about eating and drinking.
We're planning to take in a Braves game as well, inter-league play with
the Boston Red Sox. I've never been to Turner Field, I left Atlanta
during the Olympics and was only back once -- during the winter of '97.
So that'll be a blast. You know, if we don't get knifed in the parking
lot.
The rest of the summer will have to be filled-in with day trips to
Knoebels, and Philadelphia, and maybe NYC again. 'Cause Sunshine is
siphoning off all our fundage. But it's not a bad lineup, not bad at
all. .... Anybody want to buy a rolling aluminum motel room?
What are your travel plans for the summer of 2007? Tell us about 'em,
won't you?
And we've got "visitors" at work, so I need to cut this thing
short. I'll get back to the regular stuff next time. If you
need more, download this classic Hendrie segment. It features Lloyd
Bonafide performing his original song, "I've Gotta Rock," and
is freaking hilarious.
Oh, and one more thing.... Happy Birthday Steve! He turns 44 today, and
catches up to me once again. Ho-ly shit, we're old.... Send him a
birthday email, why don't you? He'd love that: dozens of strangers
flooding his inbox with Viagra jokes and whatnot.
His address is stevewilkerson(at)hotmail.com. Do it! But be nice....
--
It's that time of year again, my friends, time for winter fantasizing
about summer trips. Yes, it's a tradition we cherish. And since we now
have no way of hitching up the rolling box o' beds, it's taken on a
whole different feel this season. We're forced to be more creative, and
shake things up a bit.