Holy
crap in a Bundt pan...
Due to the
recent well-publicized shortage of
amateur websites produced by assholes who consider themselves to be
clever, I
have been called into action. My name is Jeff Kay, and I’m an
Ugly American living
on the cusp of a mid-life crisis, near Scranton, PA. And I’m here to
serve, baby.
The
State of My Fat Ass A journal of
sorts, updated every once in a while.
--
We're planning to upgrade our kitchen with new flooring and counters
soon, and spent much of the weekend looking at samples and talking to
people who don't have our best interests at heart. Some were merely
clueless, while others clearly wanted to up-sell us things we don't need
or understand. It's an excruciating exercise.
At Home Depot (I think), the guy asked how handy I am. I said I barely
know which end of the hammer to hold. So he told me I should consider
installing my own floors. Does my answer in any way correspond with his
advice?? I'm sorry, but I'm having trouble tying the two together.
Some other place bombarded us with "additional fees," and we
left there not having any idea how much the project might cost
us. It was an additional fee of $1.11 per square foot for this, another
additional fee of $35 for this.... The additional fees kept piling up
until we couldn't breathe anymore, and had to run for our lives.
I'm very seriously considering just handing this project over to Toney.
I'm not sure I can handle it, emotionally. And there's nothing sadder
than the expression on an 8 year old Secret's face, during hour three of
a sink discussion. There really isn't.
I'm about ready to wash my hands of all future sink discussions.
-- We also went to K-Mart over the weekend, because Toney wanted to
check out something in their Sunday ad. I almost never go to those
stores. In fact, I've worked it so I almost never go to Wal-Mart either.
In most cases I'd rather just pay an extra fifty cents per item, and buy
stuff at Target. It's a much more civilized atmosphere, and doesn't
usually make me want to cry.
And that's exactly the way I felt at K-Mart yesterday. Is there a more
depressing place on Earth? I submit that there is not. A hospice
facility would surely seem like a Saturday night rave compared to
K-Mart. They're not only cut-rate and trashy, but also empty. At least
Wal-Mart is vibrant. There's lots of mullets and black concert
t-shirts and women SCREAMING at their fat little hicklets with Yoo-Hoo
smeared all over their big Charlie Brown faces.
K-Mart doesn't offer any of those distractions; the place is almost
always a barren wasteland. It's just you and the ironing boards and the
Fiddle Faddle and the off-brand jeans. It's enough to send a grown man
spiraling into depression.
-- Speaking of hospice facilities....
Toney knows someone who is very sick, and probably won't live much
longer. She said she wanted to send her a card, which is a nice gesture.
But what kind of card? Get Well is a popular choice, but not very
realistic in this case. And I don't believe Hallmark makes a Sorry The
Cancer Has Spread series. Ya know? She ended up going with a Thinking of
You card, and I can't really argue with that.
But there are lots of little niches the greeting card industry
simply doesn't exploit. Maybe this is our chance to get rich? We could
have a line of Sorry Your Baby Is Ugly cards, a Liposuction Success
series, and maybe a Congratulations On Beating Your Brickhouse
Constipation line?
Help me out with this, won't you? I believe this might be the ticket.
-- Have you ever bought a magazine subscription through eBay? I have.
About a year ago I paid $7.75 for a four year subscription to Rolling
Stone. $7.75! And I haven't had a single problem with it. Last week
I read an article about rock critic Robert
Christgau, in which he praised a
music mag called Blender. I don't know anything about it, but
will soon. I plunked down $1.99 for a three year subscription on Friday.
And what's that, 66 cents per year? I'm willing to take the risk, my
friends, because I
like to live life on the edge.
-- On Saturday I watched Saving Private Ryan. It's one of many
Big Important Films I'd never seen. But our new mondo-TV has got me all
fired up, and itching to watch 'em all. It's a different experience
seeing them in widescreen, like the directors intended, instead of all
cramped-up on the old 27-inch water-driven unit.
However, I've got a lot
of catching up to do....
I'm still fairly obsessive about music, but never felt the same passion
for film. I suspect I'm pretty much out-of-it, compared to most of you,
when it comes to movies. And I'd like to verify that.
I've listed all of
the Academy Awards Best Picture nominees since 2000 right
here, and the ones
I've seen are in bold. Out of 35 movies, I've seen eight.
How do you compare? Is there a big gaping hole in my popular culture
awareness, as I suspect? Tell me about it in the comments, OK? I need to
hear the truth, the ugly ugly truth.
And I've got more of this stuff, but am all out of time. I'll pick it up
right here, tomorrow.
--
We're planning to upgrade our kitchen with new flooring and counters
soon, and spent much of the weekend looking at samples and talking to
people who don't have our best interests at heart. Some were merely
clueless, while others clearly wanted to up-sell us things we don't need
or understand. It's an excruciating exercise.