Holy
crap in a Bundt pan...
Due to the
recent well-publicized shortage of
amateur websites produced by assholes who consider themselves to be
clever, I
have been called into action. My name is Jeff Kay, and I’m an
Ugly American living
on the cusp of a mid-life crisis, near Scranton, PA. And I’m here to
serve, baby.
The
State of My Fat Ass A journal of
sorts, updated every once in a while.
--
The current temperature in Scranton? 3. That's forkin' cold, my
friends. In fact, that's cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass
doorknocker, or whatever the saying is. They're predicting a low today
of 10, and it's currently 3. Does that make any sense to you? Yeah, me
either. Oh well, who cares? That's your weather report for
Scranton/Wilkes-Barre, and the entire upper Perogie Belt. Stay tuned for
Obnoxious Bitches On A Couch.
-- I had a little run-in with my friends at Best Buy, about my Big Ass
Television.
They called and spoke to Toney on Friday, and told her they'd deliver
the thing on Saturday morning between 8 and 10. "Probably closer to
8," he said. Cool! I asked Toney to get me up early, so I'd be
fully prepared to watch that beautiful item come off the truck.
At 7:55 they arrived, and I could feel a lump forming in my throat. I
hoped I wouldn't break down and start sobbing in front of everyone. The two guys
removed it from the box and all its packaging, and carried just the TV
itself into our house. Oh, it was a sight to behold. And that's where
things went a bit sour.
"You brought the free stand, right?" I asked, all innocent and
everything.
Of course they hadn't. They stared at me with a look of confusion, as if
they'd never heard of such a thing. And I could instantly feel my blood
pressure ratcheting upward. Because, you see, I'd specifically told
those people at the store to make sure the TV and stand were delivered
together. I was very skeptical about the fact that the stand didn't
appear on my receipt, and had visions of a fuck-up dancing in my head.
The woman who processed the sale called a manager over, just to make
sure she was doing it correctly, and I repeated my concerns to him. And
he started talking to me like he was dealing with the retarded.
"Sir, sir...." he began. Then he told me it's automatic that a
stand be delivered with all JVC televisions, and I had nothing to worry
about. The tone: any fool knows this.
I told him I was going to mighty pissed if I didn't get the stand. He said I would be pleasantly surprised, and seemed sure of it.
And that's why it was especially
irritating when it didn't arrive. I tried not to take it out on the two
delivery men, who seemed nice enough, but I'm only human. I shot a few
sarcastic comments their way, and they were very apologetic about the
"mix-up." They blamed the store, and later when I talked to
the store, they blamed the delivery guys. And so it goes.
Long story a little less long.... I had at least five phone
conversations with the manager who assured me everything would be OK,
and started to suspect he was stringing me along. He kept telling me he
had no stands in stock, but would have more in two days. In two days it
was the same thing. Finally I told him to have someone come pick up the
TV, I'd just buy one at Circuit City.
And guess what? I now have my stand.
We had a little trouble getting everything up and running, but not too much.
And so far I've watched Twister (the traditional Big Ass
Television inaugural event), Snakes On A Plane (good old
fashioned dumb fun), Idiocracy (hilarious for a while, then not
so much), and a boxing match on the HBO HD channel (it was as if two men
were beating the living shit out of each other, right in the family
room).
I don't want to be overly dramatic about it, but this changes
everything. The rest of my life, I believe, will be measured as Before
BAT, and After BAT. I'm sorry, I'm getting a little emotional again....
-- I'm pulling the plug on my Adelphia email tomorrow. They're starting
to send Final Notice messages, ordering me to set up a Comcast account
right freakin' now. I've put it off as long as I can, and I'm gonna take
the plunge tomorrow. My concern is that I have almost everything tied to
that account, and am afraid I'll forget something and find myself in a
world of hurt. But I've spent the last couple of weeks preparing, and
believe I'm finally ready.
Just so you know.... There are lots of unanswered emails from Surf
Reporters in there that'll be lost forever. I'm sorry about that, I'm
the world's worst with email. But believe me, it's nothing personal. I
love receiving them, and reading them, but no matter how many times I
beat myself up about it, I can't seem to find the time to answer them
all.
But this will be a new beginning, and I'm going to be better about it. I
promise. So keep 'em coming, and we'll start all over again with a fresh
new sparkling inbox at Comcast. I vow that I'm not going to allow this
one to go all to shit like I did last time. I'm going to trim the hedges
and do all the edging and everything.
Hello?
-- Finally, I saw an item on Drudge last night about a probable Van
Halen reunion tour this summer, with David Lee Roth. I like Van Halen,
and if the opportunity arises I might check out one of the shows. I
believe the Police are reuniting as well, and I wouldn't mind seeing
them again either.
The question of the day: what other bands would you like to see reunite
and tour?
At the top of my list, of course, is the Replacements. Yeah,
yeah, I know, Bob is dead. But they made their best album
without Bob, and a few of my most cherished rock 'n' roll memories were
born at Replacements shows without Bob. So don't give me the Bob
argument, goddammit. I'm weary of the Bob argument.
I'd also like to see the Talking Heads, and if they can dig up Joe
Strummer and reanimate him, the Clash. What about you? Tell us about
it, won't you?
And I need to get out of here.... Can you tell I'm rushing?
--
The current temperature in Scranton? 3. That's forkin' cold, my
friends. In fact, that's cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass
doorknocker, or whatever the saying is. They're predicting a low today
of 10, and it's currently 3. Does that make any sense to you? Yeah, me
either. Oh well, who cares? That's your weather report for
Scranton/Wilkes-Barre, and the entire upper Perogie Belt. Stay tuned for
Obnoxious Bitches On A Couch.