Provokes Side-Splitting Merriment

January 15, 2007

-- I don't have to report to work today, because of Martin Luther King. And I think I'm going to celebrate the great man's accomplishments by going out and buying a humongous television.

Yes, my friends, I believe the time has finally come. For years I've been hemming and hawing, and dragging my feet, and all other alternative phrases for stalling. And now I'm.... well, I was going to say I'm ready to "pull the trigger" but that might not be an appropriate choice of words under the circumstances. Ahem. I'm ready to close my eyes, hand over a credit card, and let the chips fall where they may.

Here's the one I'm going with. It's on sale at Best Buy for $1749, with a free stand. And now you can go ahead and tell me it sucks and I'm making a big mistake and I'm the biggest douche who ever douched a douche. My email address is jeff(at)thewvsr.com.

Do I sound bitter? Last time I wrote about TVs here I mentioned that I wanted a 1080p set, and it triggered about ten emails from people who seemed almost angry about it. You can't tell the difference between 1080p and 720p, all of them e-hollered at me, and nobody broadcasts in 1080p anyway, etc. etc. And I openly acknowledge all that. In fact, I believe I even said it in my post that day.

But I don't care. I want 1080p. 

We're still using two 27-inch antiques here at the Compound, both purchased in Atlanta, back when Hector was a pup. And when you only buy a TV once every fifteen years or so, what's the matter with making yourself believe you got the best? Am I so wrong for wanting to fool myself into thinking I'm on the cutting edge, at least for an afternoon or two? Shit man, one of those 27-inchers has fake wood grain on it. I believe I've earned the right.

And tomorrow I'll let you know if I actually went through with it, or just parked in front of Best Buy and sobbed uncontrollably into my airbag.

-- I lost another four pounds last week. That's an average-sized newborn baby that's been removed from my ass since New Years Day. Man, I'm all fired up about it. The strategy? No junk, no beer, no Mountain Dew. And I've been burning myself down to a smoldering nub every day, atop a torture device known as an elliptical machine.

So far it's been amazingly easy. I still eat plenty, but now I'm paying attention to what's being shoveled in. And I've refrained from burying my arm to the shoulder in a "family" sized sack of sour cream 'n' onion chips while watching Scrote track down yet another whore-killer, and that sort of thing. I've replaced those so-called snacks with water and fruit and Rice Krispies. I'm still eating regular stuff at mealtime, I'm just staying away from the ass-expanders, and downsizing the portions so they can fit onto one standard dinner plate.

And I know it's still very early in the process, but so far it's been a breeze. Almost too easy.

I can't wait until I'm able to walk around acting all superior, and become a huge pain in the balls with non-stop droning about healthy-eating and weight loss. Everybody needs a goal, I believe, and mine is zealotry: relentless, mind-numbing zealotry.

Wish me luck.

-- When I was over at Best Buy yesterday, checking out my future television, I picked up the new CD by The Decemberists for $6.99. I've read nothing but raves about the thing, and several of you have suggested it to me as well.

I immediately loaded it onto my iPod, and have been listening to it. And I just don't know.... I'll have to give it more time, I think. Right now it sounds like an Al Stewart album to me; the dude's singing about the sea, and all manner of literary allusions. But, of course, the truly great albums often need time to sink in. And this could very well be one of 'em. I'm willing to do the work required.

My other recent CD purchase carries no such qualifications. It's this two-disc XTC anthology, and it's freaking amazing. Of course XTC is one of my all-time favorite "bands," and I know all their stuff by heart. But this collection somehow gets me excited about them all over again. I think it's because you get to hear most of their best songs, one after the other. There's no filler, no weak links, it's just one hunk of genius after the next.

I bought a used copy, that looks brand-new, for less than ten bucks. You should really check it out, if you're so inclined. It's better than the sum of its parts. And the parts themselves ain't too shabby. Ya know?

-- A couple of weeks ago I was at Target, perusing the $1 bins by the front doors. Amongst all the cheap-ass plastic crap, I noticed some sample pouches of Jack Daniels brand coffee. Hmmm, I thought, that sounds interesting. So I bought two, put them in the freezer at home, then promptly forgot about the whole thing.

Yesterday morning I was digging around for something, and saw one of the bags wedged between some ice trays and a box of peas. I decided to give it a try, and brewed up a pot. And it tasted like truck stop coffee laced with vanilla; there's not even a hint of Jack in there, that I could detect. I drank several cups and went from disgusted, to mildly appreciative, right back to disgusted again.

And I don't want to be too graphic about it, but I'm willing to bet that stuff would give even Miss Wisconsin the squirts. Sweet sainted mother of Meghan Coffey!

I've got more, but suddenly lost the will to continue.

See ya tomorrow.

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Last updated
01/17/12 12:10 PM

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