A Raccoon Tale                      by Joseph For what it's worth, I have received the rabies vaccine. It's long story and probably no one will care, but I get the idea Jeff encourages this sort of thing so I figured I'd write it down. A few years ago, I worked at a music distributor and I was outside by the dumpster, smoking and talking with the warehouse guys. We noticed a raccoon had gotten in the big green box and was stuck. This happened all the time and usually we just propped up a board so he could escape when he felt good and ready. This time though, the company next door that built huge industrial heating systems was moving out of the building and a few rough looking dudes were having fun tossing sharp steel onto the poor beast. I decided to take action. After all, raccoons are the only other animal with opposable thumbs. I figured once their master-race takes over, I'd be spared a life of slavery in return for my good deed. I devised a plan which involved a big heavy box which I modified to fit tightly against the inside wall of the dumpster. I'd push the box opening against the wall, thereby trapping the little guy, then lift it up until he saw daylight appear on the other side and bolt for it. Against all good advice and with cigarette firmly a danglin', I fearlessly hopped in and commenced to raccoon savin'. As I pushed the box closer, he backed against the wall and stood on his front feet in some sort of woodland martial arts pose. "Ok, he's in position", I thought. "Go!". At this moment something went wrong. The heavy box was swiped out of my hands and my attention turned to my left index finger which, by the looks of it, had exploded. The next few moments are a bit of a blur, but I remember looking at the crowd that had gathered to watch my inevitable failure. Some looked aghast while others were clearly holding back laughter. I was sure I saw Caesar among them, giving me the thumbs down. Blood flowed in a steady stream out of my finger onto my clothes and dripped to the ground. I was beaten and quickly hopped out of the green gladiatorial arena before the finishing move could be initiated. Upon arrival in the ER, I was briefly questioned by a receptionist who didn't flinch at my story or my overall bloodiness. I was told this was going to be considered work related (this would become the company's first workers' comp claim) and sent to an exam room where I waited for a few minutes. A young Indian doctor entered and began to examine the wound and I explained how I was attacked by a raccoon in a dumpster at work. "What do you do at your job?", she asked? "I work in marketing". She nodded as if that made sense. She then explained that I would have to have a rabies vaccination as soon as possible and just in case, because rabies has an incubation period of a few days or something during which you can still be vaccinated, but the test takes longer than that. Once it develops, it's 100% fatal and lacks any sort of cure. She further noted that the vaccine used to be administered in multiple shots in a circular pattern directly into the stomach (this was consistent with that episode of Diff'rent Strokes), but nowadays it was a single shot containing a certain amount of fluid injected directly into the wound once a week for a few weeks. She added that as far as she knew I was the first at this hospital to ever receive the treatment and sent word to the pharmacy to bring down vaccine. As I expected, the box containing the vaccine arrived with a thick layer of dust on top. However, I did not expect several more doctors, nurses and staff to come with it. Apparently word of my tale had made it around the building and I had once again drawn a crowd to see what kind of freak could possibly end up in a dumpster with a rabid raccoon. The doctor was correct that there was only one shot, but hadn't considered the fact that the wound was in my finger and the amount of fluid required to go in it was in the neighborhood of 20 fl oz. All in all I received somewhere around 40 pokes with the needle up and down the finger, UNDER THE NAIL! and into the tip. Plus a tetanus shot in the left arm, an antibiotic in the right arm and in each ass cheek-the latter requiring giant, Josef Mengele-looking syringes with finger grips. After the ordeal, I returned to work to receive a bunch of shit from everyone including the rough-looking dudes next door who were originally tormenting the raccoon. Everyone was quick to point out that my friend had been captured by animal control and would have his head cut off and shipped to a lab where they'd test it for rabies. Great. I never lived this down, but did receive a lot of letters from the hospital, Ohio Workers' Compensation Division and some Lucas County animal control agency documenting the ordeal. I still have these. I'm convinced that there's some kind of moral here, but the best I can come up with is that I'm an idiot.                                                       The West Virginia Surf Report!