number two 
by Jason Headley

Ten days into the experiment and things are growing increasingly unpredictable on top of my head. There are brief moments when it doesn't seem like my hair is trying to flee from my head in any direction available to it. Those moments are few and far between. At one point in the restroom at work I actually thought to myself, "Hey, that doesn't look so bad." It may have been the lighting.

From a hygiene angle, I'd say you generally can't tell anything's too different. It definitely doesn't look or feel any dirtier than normal. Which should seem strange. I think we're all going to want to keep this experiment under wraps for our own safety. Think about it. If it turns out your hair's better off without all the crap everyone tries to sell you, there are a lot of people who aren't going to be too happy about that becoming common knowledge. Sure, the folks at Johnson & Johnson will be able to walk it off, cause they've got that big Proctor & Gamble money behind them. But if you think Vidal Sasoon or Paul Mitchell are going to take this lying down, you've got another thing coming. They might just be hairstylists, but those bastards don't fuck around when it comes to shampoos, deep-conditioning treatments, styling salves and whatever the hell else they're peddling these days.

It's the support of friends like you that keeps me true to the cause on the "dark days." Some of you have had questions and concerns. I'd like to address some of them now:

Tim from Texas writes: "Dude, does this include your pubic hair and the ones with little balls of shit dangling around your asshole? Just trying to narrow down your scientific hypothesis."

Good question Tim. The answer is no. I'm continuing to enjoy the cleansing and hygienic properties of soap on all other body hair. Something you might want to look into to help with what clearly sounds like a problem you might be having with your pooper there.

Robin from San Francisco asks: "Does it smell funny? Does oil drip from the tips?"

A research assistant has informed me that my hair doesn't smell bad at all, but that it also doesn't smell like it normally does. Could this count as smelling "funny"? My assistant wasn't laughing when she said it, so I would say no.

As for any concerns about my hair becoming greasy, let me put your mind at ease. It's difficult to describe the type of hair I grow, so I offer an analogy. Have you ever been on a hay ride? The sweet smell of the summer night drifting through the valley as you and your fellow riders bid adieu to the last streams of sunlight and welcome the grace of the moon with songs and laughter? Well, my hair is just like that. Just take away the enchantment, the singing, and the whimsy, then turn the hay-truck over and put it on top of my head. But leave the laughter.

Except for one time when I was a kid and put a half tube of VO5 in my hair so I could slick it back and look like a vampire, my hair has never been greasy. It's dryer than a popcorn fart. I'm actually looking forward to some oil working its way into the program.

Finally, Bart from West Virginia writes: "Are you still in a relationship?"

I'm going to hope this question is in regard to how my hair project might be affecting my relationship, and not an indication of interest on your part, Bart. But the answer is yes, I am still in a relationship. She's assured me that she supports this endeavor, but has also promised no hesitation in letting me know if my head begins to reek like 3-day road kill. Communication is the key to any healthy relationship.

Until next week.

Jason Headley is the author of the novel Small Town Odds.

Other items of interest

Where Are My Damn Box Scores??
The Rocky Stories
Macaroni and Beef
Surf Report Rules of Thumb

<<previous next >>

The West Virginia Surf Report!