| Clean
Living in
the Great Midwest
August 25, 2005 Okay, I guess this needs to be said
before anything else - I enjoy some porn as much as any 14 year old boy.
It has its purposes on those cold and lonely nights. It also
opens up an avenue of income for young women who hate their fathers.
To quote the Simpsons, it's pretty much a victimless crime
"like punching somebody in the dark". There is, however, a
very rare point at which people who are naked and doing weird stuff to
one another ceases to be pornography an crosses the line into the sad
and pathetic. Somewhere near the bottom of my search, I found the video. Either one of the ‘actresses’ or one of the ‘producers’ was apparently named Diaz. You will be able to find it easier if you search for “Banana Shotgun”. Do that on your own time. While the Surf Report is no stranger to the occasional tit, I doubt Jeff would want to link to what is undoubtedly intended to be hardcore porn. However, for the purpose of our discussion, I will go ahead and provide a censored screenplay version. All material that I deem to be pornographic in nature (along with the swear words just for fun) have been replaced by the names of current or former Vice Presidents of the United States of America. Okay, let’s go: INT. SEEDY HOTEL ROOM. DAY, We fade in on TWO YOUNG LADIES lying in a generic hotel room bed, MAURA is completely naked, on her hands and knees, straddling the torso of ACTRESS and facing the opposite direction. A DIRECTOR stands to the side providing helpful ‘direction’. ACTRESS Okay. MAURA One. Two. Three. Actress opens her mouth wide as Maura flexes the muscles within her Walter Mondale. A banana shoots out at great speed from Maura’s Richard Mentor Johnson and bounces off the side of actress’ mouth as she tries to clench the banana between her teeth. ACTRESS Ah! George Mifflin Dallas dude! DIRECTOR (in unison with Actress’ Ah!) Ahh! Hannibal Hamlin!! You Missed!!! ACTRESS Ah uh, the thing hit my mouth, I just didn’t catch it!! Actress retrieves the banana from the side of the bed as the Director provides some helpful instructions. DIRECTOR Okay, well we wanna have this in their for, Spiro T. Agnew, the slow motion replay! Okay? You gotta catch it alright? Actress nods in understanding as she reinserts the banana into Maura’s Levi P. Morton. DIRECTOR (cont) Don’t miss it! Catch it! I want you to bite it okay? ACTRESS I’d better Elbridge Gerry catch it Maura. MAURA Okay are you ready? Actress responds by holding her mouth open wide, DIRECTOR Ready! Maura fires another shot. The banana hits Actress in the mouth, but she clenches her teeth a millisecond too late. ACTRESS Martin Van Buren! The banana rolls down to Actress’s side and she retrieves it with her right hand. In the same motion, she again inserts the fruit into Maura’s George Clinton. The director is clearly frustrated. DIRECTOR Awww! Thissa… ACTRESS This sucks! DIRECTOR Okay, look…You gotta get it in there. Okay, are you ready? ACTRESS ONE. Actress stops counting and Maura decides that one is enough, so she lets the banana fly again. It hits Actress in the patch of skin between the nose and the upper lip and again falls to her side. ACTRESS (cont) Nelson A. Rockefeller, Dude! It just doesn’t, George Bushing Like, kinda stay in my mouth, it just like kind of hits it and then... Actress is interrupted simultaneously by Maura, who says something unintelligible and the director. DIRECTOR When you’re supposed to catch it, you’re actually supposed to open your mouth wide and catch it (beat). In the air like a dog y’now? While taking in the direction, Actress reinserts the banana only to have Maura’s Millard Fillmore reject it back into Actress’ hand. MAURA Oop, sorry, that was my fault. Actress sits up a bit and begins to reinsert once more. ACTRESS ‘sookay. MAURA Push it in there deep okay? Are you ready? ACTRESS (whispering) Okay. MAURA One. Two. Three. The banana shoots out with great speed and an incredible squirting noise. It ricochets off of Actress’s face and sails offscreen. SEVERAL MEN can be heard laughing along with the director. ACTRESS I think… The director interrupts Actress as she beings to eat the banana. Once Actress remembers where the banana has been, she takes it out of her mouth and sets it down. DIRECTOR Okay, let’s skip the banana. We’ve got more things we can Thomas A. Hendricksing play with. Okay, we’ve got the corn over here that that we haven’t even touched. Okay, here’s some corn. Actress reaches back to receive the corn. ACTRESS I think there’s still a strawberry up there. DIRECTOR (yelling) We don’t care about the strawberry, put that corn on the cob up her Dick Cheney! Suddenly, a small round, green piece of fruit shoots from Maura’s Al Gore. ACTRESS Whoa! DIRECTOR What just came out? A grape? Laughter is heard off screen. FREEZE FRAME TO END I’m really pushing the word count here so I’ll make my comments brief. HOW IN THE HOLY FUCKING FUCK DOES A HUMAN BEING GET TO THIS POINT?! No matter what atrocities these people have been forced to endure in the past, I refuse to believe that they’ve reached a point in life that it is absolutely necessary to either pitch or catch produce from one’s excretory system for any amount of money. Who knows, maybe they’re into that kind of thing. Weirdoes. Back in elementary school, I would often wonder what the future had in store for me. I pictured playing centerfield for the Chicago Cubs. I imagined being a famous writer or musician. I even entertained thoughts of becoming an electrician like my father and his father before him. Absolute worst case scenario, I would be a criminal and rob people on their way to the subway. At no point did I ever consider the possibility that I might end up naked, straddling another naked person - firing kumquats out of my hind parts while some dick that happens to know waayyy too much about the subject hollered berating instructs on how to catch an airborne object. I bet Actress didn’t either. Judging by her happy demeanor throughout her performance – she’s either an incredible actress or she just doesn’t give a flying Garret Hobart. I guess I don’t either. Love, JRM Comments to metten0@lycos.com |
