Do you ever have moments in life where you’d like to take a lead pipe and beat the living shit out of some people? I run across these sorts of people in my every day travel. One of them that is particularly high on the, “Need to deliver an ass whipping list” today is a guy in our office. I’m sure you all have one, but it’s the guy who’s NOT in charge of I-T, but thinks he should be. He’s the guy who is a “computer expert” in his spare time and believes his skills at work are being underutilized, therefore he needs to swoop in and save the day just to prove himself.

This self proclaimed genius has decided to take on the task of resetting the company’s firewall everyday to start the work day. This takes place at just before 6:00am, right after he rolls into work. There’s no need to reset the firewall, the whole thing has been working fine for those of us who arrive at well before 4:00 am. He’s also been told on more than one occasion to NOT reset the firewall.

The real I-T guy made a tactical error in allowing this geek to have the password—it’s kind of like giving beer to a 17 year old…he’s Mr. Cool now with all the power and nobody to check it. Well, for the last two days when he’s reset the firewall, it has completely locked up the entire system. This is simple enough to reset—so I’m told. It requires one keystroke on the main server. However, that server is located in a locked room—where only the I-T guy holds the key to get in. Therefore, we have to languish until he arrives at 8:00 am or so. GRRR!!!

Well, spring has finally arrived and there was no more putting it off. I headed over to the neighbor’s garage and borrowed the lawnmower and cut the grass in the backyard. The front yard can wait another week. My dog has engineered quite a patchwork of tall grass spots in the backyard with a winter’s worth of high nitrogen shits. If only we could bottle that stuff and spread it all across the yard, those bastards at ChemLawn would be out of business. Liquefied dog shit….I think there’s a future in that.

The place where I work always gets samples of the newest shit on the market. That’s why we’ve now become guinea pigs for the new Tab Energy Drink. I’m not making this up…so help me, somebody actually thinks bringing back the nastiest drink in the history of colas as a high octane energy soda is a GOOD idea. In the history of diet cola—this is without question the worst experiment that ever occurred in the soft drink industry. I remember some of my relatives tried using this blackened kerosene to lose weight in the 1970’s. I never met a soul who actually drank this liquid tripe because they LIKED it. You never heard anybody say, “Man I’m parched, I could go for an ice cold Tab.” It just never happened. Now, they’ve packaged it up in those thin, pink cans hailing it as the new way to “keep you going.”

Our company received at least 20-cases of this shit. They are stacked high in the hallway near the service entrance. What blew my mind even more was the note that was attached to them. I’m paraphrasing, but it said something along the lines of, “Please be honest, these cases are for our customers and not for in-house use. Do not steal these.” Note to management….. “I don’t foresee a problem here.”

Speaking of cola, I found this gem the other day. It’s a montage of Coca Cola commercials over the years. I guarantee you’ll have memories ignited as you listen. You’ll remember where you were and what stage of life you were in as you listen to these genre’s of Coca Cola classic…..I love this kind of stuff.

I’m personally a Pepsi products loyalist. I suppose it’s how I was raised. My parents were loyal to Pepsi, and I’ve continued the tradition. I’m most partial to Mountain Dew. You might remember a Mountain Dew commercial from the 1980’s in which a bunch of high school kids, scantly clad in cutoffs and tee-shirts were jumping into a mountain stream from a log above. I’ve actually been to that swimming hole. It’s near Smith Mountain Lake in Virginia and we learned the “actors” were students from Patrick Henry High School nearby. When I was 16, being in a Mountain Dew commercial with beautiful people doing redneck things seemed to be just about as good as life could get—and I was jealous. Don’t know where I was going with that—but thought I’d mention it.

Do you remember the days when Coca Cola, and Pepsi for that matter, was MUCH stronger? I can recall in second grade we had a contest on a field trip picnic to see who could “kill” a Coke straight from the bottle. There was NO way it could be done….I still have the vision of one smartass who clamed he could do it having Coke blow out of his nose AND his EYE SOCKETS!!!!!! He nearly collapsed from some kind of carbon dioxide induced illness. It was insane. We thought he would die. You know Coca-Cola tears are just not all that common. Today, I could kill a Coke without batting a syrup coated eyelash. I’m wondering what happened.

The janitor in our building got his shit jumped the other day for not doing enough to clean up the place. I think now, he’s taking it to another extreme. You can now tell when he’s working with the smell of bleach permeating through the ventilation system. It’s so thick it literally burns your eyes. I think he’s mainlining Clorox. That’s always magnified when somebody ventures into the bathroom and takes a Hiroshima shit amid these fumes. I’m pretty sure this is creating a chemical reaction that will eventually kill us all with a new form of cancer…..call the New England Journal of Medicine.

Buck Out