| Straight
from the holler.
by "Buck" December 1, 2005 Well, I'm back. I'm happy to report I put two deer in the freezer last week…so all is well with the world.
I had the whole week off from work, therefore I hadn't touched a computer in a week's time. You know what that means. The three e-mail accounts I juggle had so much shit in them, it reminded me of when my dog is spending the night in the garage and somebody forgets to let him out.
I went down the other day after he started yelping. I think in dog language he was screaming, "WILL ONE OF YOU LAZY ASS MOTHER FUCKERS GET YOUR SHIT DOWN HERE AND USE THOSE FIVE PHALANGES THAT MAKE YOU THE SUPERIOR SPECIES TO OPEN THE GOD-DAMNED DOOR!!!!!" I could be paraphrasing there…anyway he'd waited so long a little pee had come out in the floor and for some reason it reminded me of Jeff Kay.
Obviously, I've strayed from the point here…but never let that get in the way of a good story. Back to the e-mail. It took me a full two-hours to wade through offers to extend my penis to roughly the size of cord-wood, a ground level opportunity for a new cell-phone company in Chile, and cheap prices on a new book which explains the White House is actually being run today my former members of the Johnson Administration. I'd guess about 15 to 20 percent of the e-mail was actually shit I needed or wanted to see or read.
How the hell does this spam thing get started? I must have spyware all over my hard drive. I don't visit sites to get my penis sculpted and doubt I have any investments. Where does this come from? I just don't understand a lot of the internet's power.
I did get a chance to play the new X-Box 360 ON A PLASMA SCREEN. I highly recommend it. Wal-Mart had one on display and the shit looked so fucking real I had to look down to make sure blood wasn't dripping on my boots. Fantastic!
I don't do the Black Friday shopping event. I just don't understand the allure of shopping at 4:00 in the morning. Hell, I don't understand the allure of shopping AT ALL. However, about 4:15 am on Black Friday the phone rang. I at first thought it was somebody from work calling to tell me I was late—and not realizing I was on vacation. Then I was pretty sure a close relative had been horribly maimed in a tragic folding couch accident and this was "The Call." My wife grabbed the phone and muttered "Hello." A chipper voice on the other end said, "YOU UP YET?" I could actually hear that and wasn't holding the phone. I launched into a torrent of cuss words that would have made a Teamster blush. I grabbed the phone and started cursing everybody from the person on the other end to the dentist who filled her first tooth. I was slightly pissed off. Turns out it was my wife's elderly aunt who had misdialed the phone. She was calling to ask if one of her elderly friends FROM CHURCH was ready to go to the mall for the big day. Yeah, Buck makes friends everywhere he goes I tell ya.
I'll was reminded the other day of what became known as "The Great Snowday Caper" in our household. My brother was in first or second grade and had gotten a "boom box" for his birthday. He loved the idea of being able to record shit straight off the radio. He REALLY loved to listen to the local Dee-Jay, "The Country Doctor" on WLSD (yes those were the call letters of the station) give out the school closing information on snow days. I shared his joy, although with a little less zeal, when it was announced our county's schools were closed for the day. My brother loved hearing this so much, he would record it and listen back all year long. Well, there was one day when we had some cold temperatures and light snow. It was a borderline call as to whether school would be called off for the day. My brother was taking no chances. He positioned the boom box in a prominent place near the kitchen at the appropriate time as my mother roamed into the room to start the morning coffee. He then turned on THE TAPE. Mom was none the wiser as she heard The Country Doctor on WLSD proclaim there was no school today. We raised the roof and went back to bed. About 10:00 the phone rang. It was the principal at the school. It was now that we realized a slight oversight in his plan. You see this whole thing would have worked had it not been for the fact that my mother was A SCHOOL TEACHER and she taught at the SAME SCHOOL MY BROTHER ATTENDED. We were only missing a day of school, Mom was missing a day of work and the boss wanted to know why. Oh yeah, there was human excrement littering the blades of an aeration device that morning. The boom box was seized as evidence and I'm not sure it's ever been returned.
Buck Out |
