| Straight
from the holler.
by "Buck" November 1, 2005 I hate going to the mall. I'm pretty sure I'd rather have my scrotum slammed in a window rather than spend any time there. However, on Sunday I was forced to cave and go to that dreadful place with the better half. She was preoccupied with spending my hard-earned money on must-haves at JCPenney's. I had to find another way to cope, so I joined about six other dejected souls of the male persuasion sitting on a bench outside Penney's in the commons area. I was sitting there and spied this place that glues the fake claws onto women's fingers for a fee. The place is run by a bunch of Orientals. I'm not sure if they're Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, or whatever. However, something in this place caught my attention.
First, there were no customers. Second, there was an American woman in there apparently doing some paperwork at a desk. Then there was one Chinaman sitting behind one of the tables and another pacing the floor. I found this odd, but stared on. Suddenly, and without reason, the Chinaman behind the table became enraged. He began screaming like a crazy man in some unintelligible language. However, the tone and body language cross all dialect barriers. He was pissed and was screaming at the other guy who was significantly smaller in stature. The little guy was screaming right back. This kept up and kept getting louder. Finally they were right at each others faces raising all kinds of hell. A side note, the woman at the desk didn't even look up as if this was all normal behavior. Suddenly the big dude reared back like he was going to throttle the little guy. YESSSSS!!!! A CHINESE DONNYBROOK IN THE MALL…. I couldn't believe my luck. However, the little guy backed down. (bastard---man up and swing like ya gotta pair). This prompted Big China to start taunting him. He was making chicken sounds and all the little guy was doing was giving lip. He wanted no part and the big guy knew it—but pride wouldn't let him walk away. Finally little guy had apparently had enough and acted like he was going to start some shit. Big guy whipped out a steel rod and raised it like he was a fucking Samurai. Is that not excellent? Again, little guy lost his nerve and backed down. Big China grabs the cordless phone and starts waving it wildly in the air screaming the only phrase I could understand of this whole episode. "I CALL SECURITY" in broken English.
I'd been watching this for a good 15-minutes and now others were taking note. A crowd was gathering, much like me, hoping for a Wang Chung edition of the WWF. Then, Big China starts pointing STRAIGHT AT ME. By this time I'd said the hell with discretion and was staring at the two intently….. you know—it's a show what am I supposed to do? He's yelling at me in tongues and walking out like he wants a piece of me. I stood up, just to let him know he wasn't dealing with Ham Chuck from "The Green Berets" here. I was ready for a full on international incident right there in Barboursville, West Virginia.
Turns out he wasn't looking at me, he was looking at another Chinaman who was coming down the mall. He was accompanied by a woman. They apparently ran the place. He was trying to calm these two jokers down. The woman apparently had something going with Little Man and pushed him back into the back room. Cooler heads prevailed, but Big China was still plenty pissed and continued to yell and scream and flail his arms wildly to the owner….who just sat there listening and shaking his head in an understanding manner. I fully expected him to pull out a coffee cup and hold it with two hands. Well, it sure made the trip to the mall bearable.
-- I gotta give props to my local Domino's pizza delivery dude. He had the Halloween delivery motif down pat. I ordered a couple of pies on the haunted night. The dude drove up in a black 60's muscle car with dark windows. He was pumping bass, but it was Halloween sound effects. The car, which had one of those weird undercarriage neon lights that was purple in color, looked a whole lot like Christine. SWEET! He then exited the vehicle wearing a black robe and a Scream mask. FUCKING AWESOME! I gave the guy a $5.00 tip. He spoke not a word, but evaporated back into his haunted muscle machine and hummed away with the creaky doors and glass pack mufflers accenting his Hallows Eve delivery. I've envisioned using a hearse to deliver pizza, but Christine was a selection of genius on this night. --A friend sent me this link. Oh, the possibilities are endless here. I wanted to write "Buck Out" and paste it as my signature—but I have no idea how to trap one of those Flash Media images and create a jpeg. You see….as hard as this is to admit—and as obvious as it is to notice. I'm stupid. Thank you, I'm in a seven step program. One other note as you engage in this useless exercise with your mouse, ladies—it's much easier to do with the mouse than with the actual writing tool. Trust me, it's the voice of experience speaking here.
Buck Out |
