| Straight
from the holler.
by "Buck" July 11, 2006 Here’s a classic from my hometown. Thomas and Julius Jones, brothers who now play in the NFL for the Bears and the Cowboys, are from my hometown. They played high school football at my high school. They are without question, the most noteworthy players to ever come out of there. Every year they come back to town and have a sit down autograph session for the town’s folk. Well, this year they were back and the local paper captured the event…here’s a pic. Take particular note in the upper right hand corner of two hillbilly high school kids MAKING OUT at the autograph signing…and the little kid just to the left watching it with envy. Truly priceless. Here’s a pic from Charleston that Jeff Kay will know well. It’s a well known watering hole in Dunbar, however it’s a paradox—since in the background you’ll see the marquee for the exact opposite. While I’m on the subject, I’ve been snapping a few pictures that feature the “Buck” theme. It seems I’m a pretty popular figure. Much like we do with the Smoking Fish here at the WVSR, I’m proposing a gallery of “Monuments to Buck”. I’m sure they are out there across Hillbilly Nation. If you happen to snap a picture of them, I’d be proud to feature them in the new gallery. Here are a few of the inaugural entries. Somebody told me the World Cup ended on Sunday. Yawn. My hottie neighbor across the street has returned after a 10-day vacation on the sunny beaches of Daytona. She has the tan to prove it. During her absence our next door neighbor, the Doormat Divorce, was ORDERED to take care of Hottie Widow’s dog. Seems that her shitty ex-husband, who’s all enthralled by the Hottie Widow, agreed to feed and water the dog. Then of course, puts it on his ex-wife to do the work. Divorcee says she never agreed, but tried to hold up the obligation since she, after all, is a door mat. This dog is a bulldog looking thing. He’s huge and full of energy. He’s tied to a tree in the Hottie’s back yard when she’s not home and is able to slip his collar and run wild across the neighborhood. No matter how many times he’s retied, he escapes. Last week he disappeared and didn’t return. We were pretty sure that would be the end of it. Turns out Hottie couldn’t have cared less and acted all non-chalant about it. However, he was found. She called the pound—and sure enough he was in jail. She went and bailed him out. Now he’s back home—in the house—until she leaves again and it will start all over again. I had a report of a mouse in the garage last week that wasn’t acting right. He was sitting on the four-wheeler trailer, shaking uncontrollably and unafraid of humans. He appeared to be blind and possibly deaf. I quickly diagnosed that he’d eaten the plate of rat poison I had set out for just such guests. The wife whacked him with a baseball bat and sent him flying into the back woods. Over the weekend, I cleaned out the garage and found evidence of my theory. I opened a rarely used cabinet and found it littered with mouse turds. Some were black, but others were solid turquoise in color. This critter had eaten so much D-Con his shit had turned to the same color. Yeah—that should have been enough to fry his nervous system and cause him to suffer a horrible death. I used the shop vac to sweep up the scene of the crime—so now I’ll probably be struck by the Hanna Virus. …and I leave you today with one from the files of a Domino’s Pizza Driver. One night we got an order from a place known as a trouble spot. Generally, when we were suspicious, our policy was to call back right after receiving the order to confirm it was an actual order for pizza. I called back and the same guy answers. He said they were having a big party and were getting hungry. Good enough, we made the pie and I took off on what would probably be the last delivery of the night since we closed at 1:00 and it was around 12:30. I arrived at the house to find it fully engulfed in flames and the guy who had ordered it in the backseat of a police car in cuffs. He looked like somebody had beaten the living shit out of him. He was shouting at the cops that I was holding HIS pizza and HE wanted it NOW!!!! The cops told me there would be no deliveries here, as the firemen poured water on the house. Turns out the guy had gotten into a fight with a bunch of guys who were smoking pot and partying in the house. The fight had knocked over a candle into some kerosene or something and set the whole place on fire. The guys continued fighting inside the burning house before cops finally dragged them out. The guy then flipped out and started fighting the cops—they beat the living shit out of him. So we got to enjoy a sausage and double-cheese while we cleaned up that night. I’m available for comment at Moonshinebuck@yahoo.com Also, don’t forget to snap pictures of the Monument’s to Buck and send them on in. Buck Out |
