Gregscalade in Japan Jeff, As I stated, the two worst places that I've "let one go" were that toilet, and on an airplane coming back from Japan. That being said, I feel that I should explain how these two events came about. I was in Japan on business, and as it was my first time there, I was told to eat what was given to me or they would take it as a sign of rudeness. The first few days provided me with a bit of an upset stomach, but nothing out of the ordinary for my IBS (irritable bowel syndrome). Anyway, a few I was given a baby sparrow on a stick to eat. Yes, sparrow as in bird. Amazingly, it was cooked...just not enough as luck would have it. Anyway, I picked the bird up and started nibbling the meat off of it, but I was told to eat the ENTIRE thing. After much hesitation, lots of coaxing, and plenty of sake, I tossed it in my mouth. It was at this point that I realized that bones and beak are difficult to chew. By the time I felt it was safe to down the mass of bird goo in my mouth, my jaw felt like it had just complete five triathlons, back-to-back. I swallowed, and washed down the lovely taste and texture with some beer. About seven hours later, I woke up and the sheets were literally soaked with sweat. This had never happend to me, and I began to freak out. However, that had to wait, as I KNEW that it was time to hit the crapper. Luckily, my hotel room had a "western" toilet, on which I spent the next 2 days. When the Japanese guys realized I was quite ill, they dragged me to the hospital. Before I go any further, picture a Japanese hospital in your mind. Nice place, and pretty sophisticated, right? WRONG. It was like walking into a time warp. Old equipment, old building, old people. I got a bad feeling, but what was I going to do? Complain to people who could not understand me? So in I went, and they put me in my own room, where I was stared at like a gerbil in an aquarium. Every time I would look up, there were four or 5 nurses peering at me from around a corner. Of course, they would scatter when I looked at them like 2nd graders on the playground when the bully was coming. I should tell you at this time, that the bed was about 1.5 feel wide, made of wood with about an inch thick layer of blanket material on it, and roughly 5 feet long. Thus, I was not comfortable, and my dangling feel were losing circulation rapidly. The doctor came in and started speaking to me in Japanese. Unfortunately, my hand held translator didn't have the adequate medical terms in it, so I resorted to hand signals. He either thought that I was a mime, or had some sort of stomach pain. Thus, I was diagnosed with food poisoning, given an IV, some pills to take home, and sent on my way. Two days later, I was worse. However, I tried to go to work. While there, I had to go, for the 43,213st time. That toilet I sent you a picture of was the closest one available... Fun, fun, fun. By this time, my turds had been replaced with the literal peeing of blood out of my deuce hole. The abdominal pain was horrific, and I thought that I was going to die. I actually started to cry, but couldn't. No, not because I'm a man's man, but because I was so dehydrated from all of the shitting that I couldn't manufacture any tears. I didn't piss more than a cup in almost a week's time! I finally realized that I needed real medical attention, and booked the next flight for the US. That was the most fun 13 hours of my life... I should also tell you the the 'liquid secretions' that my ass was producing didn't smell pleasant. That plane may never be the same. In fact, I think that Northwest retired it shortly thereafter... Upon landing in Detroit, we had to clear customs. Of course, the lines were longer than a schlong in horse porno flick. I stood there sweating, praying that I didn't crap my pants. After what seemed like eternity, I got to the little booth, answered my questions, and ran to the closest bathroom. I made such a scene running, that the police took notice. So I had to explain to the police what was going on while I was squirting blood out of my ass. Good times! The ER in the US did a bunch of tests, and found out that I had Campylobacteriosis; a bacterial infection that is commonly found in birds, as their body temperature is ideal for the bacteria to grow. Doctors told me two things; that I was close to kidney failure and that my case was pretty bad. You think?! After they pumped 3 IV bags into me, I managed a weak pee stream. What fun. Anyway, after a few days on the correct medication, I was all better. As luck would have it, I had a guy snap a picture of me popping the bird in my mouth, because it was such a strange food. If you zoom in, you can see the head. Needless to say, I don't recommend the 'suzume' if you ever visit Japan... Greg |
