December 21, 2007

To start off, thanks for all the emails last time suggesting how to relieve stress and live longer. No need to get high, drink gin, whack off ten times a day, take medication or kick a poodle, but thanks anyways for the suggestions. Also, thanks for the emails from old timers letting me know how ya been and wishing me well. Since you are the only friends I have, I appreciate it.

The only negative email was from Rick, who said not to quit my day job and that it was all unreadable. This is for you, Rick.

ÿ íå íàïèñàë ýòî äëÿ âàñ, ÿ íàïèñàë åãî äëÿ ìåíÿ. ß íå èìåþ íèêàêîå íàìåðèå ïðåêðàùàòü ìîþ ðàáîòó äíÿ è åñëè âû íå õîòèòå ïðî÷èòàòü ÿ íàïèñàë, ÍÅ ÄÅËÀÅÒÅ! Èäåòå âàø ïîäâàë è æäåòå ìàìó äëÿ òîãî ÷òîáû ïðèíåñòè âû íåêîòîðîå ìîðîæåíîå. ß íàïèñàë çäåñü íà 3 ëåò è no one ïîæàëîâàëèñü. Æäèòå âàøå âðåìÿ çàêîí÷èòüñÿ ââåðõ êàê ñîåäèíåíèå Fark. È ne ùåëêíèòå äàëüøå ìîåé ñòðàíèöîé..., êîòîð ÿ íå õî÷ó âàñ çäåñü.

Now that's unreadable. Now, shall we commence to complaining a little?

THE SEEDY SIDE OF SARASOTA

I continually get subtle little reminders that I work DOWNTOWN and not in my neighborhood. People injecting drugs in the alley behind my office. Fistfights breaking out between the crack addicts out front. Here is one such instance:

I went to Walgreens, as they were copying pictures for me for a trial involving some guy who got the shit beat out of him. I picked up my pictures, asked for the location of the men's room and proceeded to the back of the store for a relaxing piss. I swung open the door and Pedro was sitting in the urinal as a nappy headed, yellow eyed, crack whore was taking care of him. The worst part was that her teeth were on the sink. I just left. Went by the three managers who were, at that time, admiring their Halloween display. I told them that if they really wanted to see something scary, go to the men's room. One did, as I was leaving.

This city is known for its arts, beaches and general architectural good looks. However, there, as in any growing city, are the parts, people and events that keep it all in check. I, although I tended to complain a lot about its backwardassness and small town idiocracies, miss Boone , NC . Especially after having to endure four straight 500 degree summers. I take back everything I said about Boone. Boone, please forgive me.

TIRES

Somehow, I realize the cost of oil and production of tires are related. Not sure how, but I know they are. It seems that when I go to a tire store, there is always a display in the front that shows "FOUR TIRES FOR $99.00" As it would be my luck, my cars have never qualified for those tire and I end up spending A LOT. I bought four tires for the big ugly car, the Aztek, which I have called "The Ferocious Beast" (if you have kids, you may get that) and spent over $500.00. Is this a national normal price, or is it just in America 's Wang. What do you pay for tires?

LAST WEEKEND

My plan for last weekend was to take my kids to Busch Gardens one last time this year as the season passes expire on the 31st and the weekend before Christmas would be a huge clusterfuck there. However, my wife's aunt's plan was to die and the whole day Saturday was spent trying to get her on an airplane to Indy.

Does it seem like more people die right before Christmas than the rest of the year? My great grandfather, a young woman I dated when I was 20, my Uncle Roy with the bad toupee, my neighbor in Boone (not at the Gargoyle residence, but one I actually got along with)... The list goes on and it seems a little unholidaylike.

Anyway, back to last weekend. After we got my wife safely on the plane, I went home with the kids and called my father in law to watch them for a couple hours while I went out to get their Christmas loot. I went to a Hess station for gas, topped off the tank, and went inside to pay. The owners are from Turkey , and are just a little smarter than a brick. As I entered, let's call the "customer" Pedro Gomez, just for name's sake, was in the process of holding up the Turks with his finger inside his jacket pocket.

Seeing this, and knowing how to identify when it is a "non-gun" situation, I told the Turks "Don't give this motherfucker anything, he doesn't have a gun!"

Mrs. Turk was in the middle of emptying the register and his amigo, Jose Vasquez (for name's sake) was saying "Shuddup man, shuddup" to me. So I pushed Pedro into a display rack and his "gun" finger came out of his pocket AND HE WAS STILL POINTING IT AT MRS. TURK.

Mr. Turk was pretending to call the police on a phone that didn't work. His VCR didn't work either. Pedro and Jose ran into the night and the Turks gave me a $100 gas card for their appreciation. The vigilante bidness is good around the holidays.

All of this leads up to a game someone sent me....... I know, that was a long way to go, but have fun.

THINGS I NEED FOR CHRISTMAS

New Gorillaz "D" sides CD-  Remixes from "Demon Days"

Beastie Boys "The Mix-Up"  an all instrumental CD that came out in July and I left my first copy at the park.  Anyone who claims to be a Beasties fan only through their radio play needs to hear this to appreciate the talents of these guys.

A new axe-  I have a lot of things that need hacking up.

Some new heftyboy jeans.  44w, 36L are getting too snug .

A Lightning ten-pack

THINGS I DON'T NEED FOR CHRISTMAS

Shoes, Socks, ties, wallets, pens, office supplies

That was for my family to read.

SPEAKING OF READING

Anyone here ever read Tammie's blog?

An excellent writer and a funny woman. I suggest you go back and start at the beginning and read it all. You'll get the references in later posts. All the happenings in the resort town of Dunbar , and more.

FINALLY

I am going out on a limb here and breaking the New World Order laws of this Godless country and wishing my internet friends a MERRY CHRISTMAS, not that insincere Happy Holidays shit the stores try to pass off. Take back Christmas people, it's your right. Don't cave in to political correctness.