--Yeah, I didn’t stay up all night, like I'd considered.When I got off work I was dragging massive ass, and swerved
from side to side as I drove home, like Billy Joel.I was atop the platform before 3:30, and didn’t want to get up in the
“morning.”So there goes
seven more hours straight down the ol’ poop-catcher.Stupid sleep… wotta rip-off.
--When I typed the date at the
top of this thing, I felt a twinge of panic.December 20!Sweet
sainted mother of Bonnie Franklin!!So
much left to do…
This update,
just so you know up front, probably isn’t going to amount to much.It’s gonna be another edition of A Few Quick Things.And I’m not even sure about tomorrow…I’m serious, I need to be out there doing battle with the
bastards and the bitches.
--As mentioned before, I have
an unnatural affinity for office supplies.I’ve considered going to a hypnotist about it, but so far
I’m just making adjustments and living with the disorder.It’s how I get through the day.
But now tragedy has struck.I
have two pens I use daily in the bunker, and they’re both out of
ink.Both of ‘em!Just buy more, you say?I
tried, but I think it might’ve been discontinued.I’ve looked at Staples and Target and Wal-Mart, and that
particular pen is nowhere to be found.
Oh, it's nothing fancy, but it's perfect, the perfect
writing instrument, and I can’t just let it go.Will somebody please hold me?
I checked at Amazon and found ink replacements for $1, which sounds
pretty good.But the shipping
and handling is $7.95!Is that
not hilarious?I’ve been
using another pen for the past few days, but it’s just not the same.
My whole world is off its axis, and wobbling like, well, Billy Joel.
--We were given gift bags at
work last night, and mixed in amongst the candy and so forth was a
scratch-off lottery ticket.Since
I don’t know nothing ‘bout no scratch-offs, I was reading the
directions on the back.I
didn’t want to void the thing by just going off all willy-nilly with
my quarter.
And while reading, I noticed an interesting sentence.One of the disclaimers said something like, “All prizes,
including the grand prize, are subject to availability.”
TF?So you could theoretically
hit the $50,000 jackpot, take it to the lottery center (or wherever),
and they could say, “Oh, I’m sorry.We don’t currently have any money available.”Is that what they’re saying?
I don’t understand.But, of
course, I didn’t win a damn thing, so the whole thing is moot, or
smoot, or woot, or whatever that weird word is…
--Speaking of work…It’s been a long time since I’ve supervised actual humans,
but I’m learning that it all comes back naturally.Last night, without even realizing what was happening, I spoke
the phrase, “This is the last time you
and I are having this
conversation. Next time, you’ll be talking with HR.”It’s like riding a bicycle!
--I received a Christmas card
in the mail today, addressed to Jeff and Kathleen Kay.Last week I received one (from a car dealership, I think),
going to Jeff and Denise Kay.Toney,
joking around, hollered, “I thought I KNEW you!”And I said, “Hey, if it’s good enough for the Mormons…”
Pass the beer nuts.
--Can somebody please explain
to me what Twitter is all about?I
could do the research myself, but I don’t even have time for an
insurance wipe these days.
What’s the story with it?I
looked at somebody’s so-called Twitter page last night, and it said
something like:
1:23 PM Ate pie
1:30 PM Went upstairs and put on deodorant
1:32 PM Ate more pie
What in the ever lovin’ crap??
--The next person who
complains about the commercialism of Christmas is getting a shoe in
the ass.Man, that’s the
biggest cliché this side of “I don’t care if you’re black,
white, green, or purple…” or “It just saddens me Jeff, to see
you piss away so much potential.”Knock
it off already!Or say
hello to Mr. Skecher.
--Jamie Lynn “As Funny as
Spine Cancer” Spears is
pregnant?!
Yeah, I
don’t care.It means nothing
to me.
--I saw this linked at Drudge
last night, and couldn’t stop laughing for a good long time.Man, that dude is living in his own personal Kingdom of Freak.It
looks like there was an explosion at the Scrabble factory.
--I ordered this
today, and my
nipples are exploding with delight.I
told you… I need intensive therapy.
--What do you think is the
best Rolling Stones album not actually recorded by the Rolling Stones?
Thisone jumps immediately to mind (a shockingly good album),
but I know there are hundreds more.Help
me out, won’t you?
--And finally, what do you
think will be on your headstone?Not
what you’d like
to have on it, but a brief and accurate summation of your time on
Earth so far.Mine would
probably say something like, “Loving husband, father and son,
drinker of beer, music nerd, mocker of the douche.”
What about yours?Use the
comments link below.
And next time, whenever that might be, I’ll have something new and
good from our old pal The Angry White Guy.
Have a great day, my friends, and I’ll see ya soon.
