--I overslept this morning.Yeah,
it was technically still morning when I finally hoisted my heft off
the raised dormancy platform, but not by much.
The alarm went off at 10:15, as usual, but I expertly swung my
arm in a high arc and stopped that goddamn chirping.Toney called twice, but the ringer on the bedroom phone is
turned off for some reason, and I didn’t hear it.
If it hadn’t been for Andy (Snoop Manny Mann) flying off the handle
at some unforgivable infraction (I think somebody walked past our
house), I might still be up there clear-cutting timber.So, thank you Andy, for being crazier than a freakin’ bag
o’ bugs.Sometimes it
pays dividends.
--Before we get started
with today’s pillar of fun, I have a follow-up to something
mentioned yesterday.Check
it out.Because of
pressure brought forth by Surf Reporters everywhere, the faggot is
back!
No, I’m not talking about Tom Cruise.I’m speaking of the BBC’s controversial bleeping of the
word, in the classic Christmas tune “Fairytale of New
York.”Oh, I’m sure others had a small role in this is as well, but
I know deep in my partially-clogged heart we made the difference.
So, congratulations on another stunning Surf Report victory!And such an important one, at that!
--In roughly thirteen
hours my work week will be over, and I’ll have several days off in a
row.And there are so many
things to do…
I haven’t bought a single Christmas present (Toney has, of course,
but I haven’t), I need to check with the T-Shirt Lady about the
hats, I haven’t visited my PO Box in days, we need to clean the
house from top to bottom in case my parents actually make the trip,
and I think there are a few other items on the docket I can’t now
remember.
So I’m thinking about staying up straight through until tomorrow
night.What do you think?Good idea?Hey, at
the very least I could knock out some Netflix discs, one of which has
been stagnating on the coffee table for several weeks now.
Have you ever completely skipped a night of sleep, to get things done?How’d it go?Tell
me all about it, and I’ll act accordingly.
-- And now I’m going to briefly
tell you about an officially-sanctioned overnight trip I took while in
school, and ask for your stories at the end.I’m not going to go into great detail here, because of the
high-arcing arm swing and whatnot, but I’ll hit a few of the
highlights…
When I was in sixth grade I was a school safety patrol.I wore a standard-issue neon-orange shoulder belt and badge,
and was given the responsibility of keeping the corner of 17th Streetand Myers Avenuesafe for all underclassmen walking
to and from school.
Yes, it was a lot of pressure, but dammit, it was important work.
A little unrelated trivia, before I move on…My base of operations was located literally a few yards from
the boyhood homes of both Chris from North Carolina, aka The Angry
White Guy, and Rocky.Just
a little historical perspective…
So anyway, near the end of the year all the patrols got to go on a
trip to WashingtonD.C.We took a bus up there, and it seemed like an airplane ride to
Australia.Holy shit, it was excruciating.But we finally made it, and here are my most vivid memories of
the visit:
--In a gift shop
somewhere, a bunch of us bought key rings with working cap guns
attached.Can you imagine
such a thing being allowed today…?They’d have to bring in a team of mental health
professionals, and conduct emergency grief counseling.
But these miniature revolvers were incredibly cool.They took little red plastic caps, which we also purchased, and
we began firing them into the pillowcases at the hotel.After the mini-explosion occurred, there’d be a satisfying
yellow/brown stain left behind, and we just couldn’t stop doing it.By the time we were finished, all the pillowcases in our rooms
looked like they’d been tie-dyed.
Good times.
--We were herded into
some sort of diner for breakfast in the mornings, and the place was
always overrun by safety patrols from all around the region, I guess.Just sixth graders as far as the eyes could see…
I remember they were cranking out “breakfasts” like a Chinese
factory pumps out death toys.And
I vividly recall a large black woman standing in front of a tray of
drinking glasses.
She had a pitcher of orange juice in her hand, and was pouring it into
the glasses without pausing for each one.It was just a continuous flow, over the glasses, down the
sides, and in between.I
couldn’t believe my eyes.And
I have no doubt the run-off was recycled once the glasses had been
distributed.
Yeah, I don’t remember visiting the Lincoln Memorial, or the WashingtonMonument, but I remember that.Just like it was yesterday.
--When we were riding on
the school bus through town, we saw some freak dragging a full-blown
cross, regulation crucifixion-sized, down the street.Being from Dunbar,
WV, we weren’t used to such a high
caliber of kookery, and nobody said a word for a good long time.
--And Stevie Wonder was
staying at our hotel.Yes,
you read that correctly…He
was in town for some kind of civil rights rally, which also featured
Muhammad Ali.And one of
the hotel employees told me (conspiratorially) that the singer was
actually staying on our
floor.
Cool!
On the second afternoon we returned from our day of sightseeing, and
the lobby was packed-out with people.We learned they were there because Stevie Wonder was supposed
to be returning at any minute, and everyone wanted to catch a glimpse
of him.
The chaperones asked if we wanted to hang out for a while (apparently they
did), and we all said yes.So
we stood and waited as the excitement built inside the lobby.
Finally, a limousine pulled up in front of the hotel.Several people got out, and began helping a well-dressed man
wearing sunglasses to the door.A
collective gasp went up, and our eyes widened.
But it was a decoy!It was
a fake-ass Stevie Wonder, apparently designed to clear a path for the
genuine article.And this
guy didn’t even resemble the superstar in the least, he looked like
Grady from Sanford
and Son, pretending to be a
blind man.
After this pitiful imposter passed through, the hotel staff made us
all leave and we never got to see the real Stevie Wonder.And he never got to sense
us either.
Wotta huge Montana-sized ripoff.
And I’m serious, I barely remember anything else about that trip.I know we visited monuments and museums, and took part in a
whole host of educational activities.But you now know what has stuck with me over the past thirty
years.
When I was a senior in high school we went to King’s Island amusement park, and a Cincinnati
Reds game, but I don’t have time to get into that right now.Let’s just say it was a whole different breed of cat, and
featured the swigging of straight whiskey from a Breck’s shampoo
bottle.
But that’s a tale for another day.I’m going to turn it over to you folks now, and start getting
ready for my Friday.
So, please use the comments link below to tell us about your
experiences on official school-sanctioned overnight trips.Where’d you go?What’d
you do?Who got arrested?Let’s get all the details.
