--Usually Toney walks around with the Secrets while they do their
trick or treating, and I stay home and hand out candy.But we switched roles this year, at Toney’s insistence.I’m unclear as to why, but she wanted me to be the
street-chaperone this go ‘round.
Whatever.It doesn’t really
matter to me; it’s six of one and half a gallon of the other, or
whatever.
After dinner we cracked open the first Maker’s Mark bottle of the
Season, and each enjoyed a stiff drink while the kids put on their
costumes, etc.Yes, it’s a
Halloween tradition.And man,
it tastes just like autumn.
Since I knew I’d probably be wandering around the neighborhood in
the dark for the next hour, I decided to pack a survival kit.I poured a Yuengling lager into a plastic cup, and put two
additional cans in the pockets of my jacket.Then we hit the road.
The oldest Secret was wearing a gigantic monster mask that went
halfway down his chest.He had
to strip to the waist, put on the mask, and attempt to pull a t-shirt
over the bulbous and horribly disfigured head.Hilarious.He was also
sporting “monster hands,” and a navy blue blazer(?).
The younger youngling dressed up as a hippie, and he looked so much
like a shrunk-down version of Sunshine, I found it to be
disconcerting.Same crazy hair
going in every direction, same tie-dyed t-shirt, same Janis Joplin
glasses…It was freaking me
out, man.
They hit-up the neighbors across the street, and the ones to our
right, but the rest of our block was dark.The remaining houses, all the way to the corner, weren’t open
for business.What a grand gang
of shitasses.
We walked around “the circle” as we call it, and the Secrets
yielded quite a haul.
At one point we happened upon another family, and the Dad was also
dressed as a hippie.He
sauntered over to mini-Sunshine, and started doing hippie shtick:“Hey, brotha!Which
way to Woodstock, maaaaan?”The Secret had no idea what he was talking about.
At High-Neck’s house, the husband (Gino Vanelli) was out on their
porch yukking it up and acting like Nostrils in full performance.He was being “wacky,” but nobody was laughing. In fact, I
watched a group start up their sidewalk, spot Gino waving his arms and
talking in “funny” voices, then turn on their heels in perfect
synchronization.
At one house they were asking kids if they like PennState football.And if the kids answered yes, their candy allocation was
doubled.We were tipped-off to
this in advance, by one of the hippie’s friends, and the Secrets
lied accordingly.
About halfway through the circle, we came to a brightly-lit house with
an abundance of Halloween decorations in the yard.I noticed that everybody was passing it by, and wondered what
was going on. Then monster in a sports coat said, “Oh, a dentist
lives there, and always passes out toothbrushes.Let’s just keep walking…”
I needed a refill, and waited until the boys were off on a lengthy
Snickers-procurement expedition.I
found a shadowy area, near somebody’s recycle bin, and poured the
contents of one of the cans into my cup.I guess it had been jostled around in my pocket, and a big ol’
head bloomed off the golden elixir.It
rose to an impossible height, high above the rim, and seemingly
defying gravity.
At that very moment, a group of about twenty people walked past.I was standing there alone in the dark, and holding what looked
like a bouquet of beer foam.I
just smiled and muttered some sort of half-assed greeting, and one of
the mothers said, “Move along, kids.Let’s pick up the pace.”
As we continued, I began taking notice of all the houses with the
lights turned off.Many were
completely dark, except for a room way in the back, where you could
see a TV screen flickering.I
mean, what the hell?!What kind
of crap is that?I made a
mental note of the TV-flicker houses, for some undefined revenge
fantasy of the future.Oh, I
have the data…
I asked the Secrets if they wanted to go to the Half-Shirt house, but
they couldn’t be talked into it.I
wanted to do it, because I was curious about what they might be giving out
over there.Bitterness Balls?Bitchin’ Stix?Who
knows?But the boys didn’t
want to go, and once we completed the circle we headed straight home.
Toney said there were very few visitors to our house, and that’s
fairly standard.We’re off
the beaten path, and it didn’t help that most of the houses on our
block had gone dark, the pricks.We
didn’t even have the traditional obnoxious teenagers who knock on
the door at 9:30, not wearing costumes and
hauling candy around in their bras.It
was a fairly low-key event this year.
So that was Halloween at the Compound.How was yours?Anything
exciting to report?Use the
comments link to tell us about it.And
if you have any idea what Poppa Half-Shirt might’ve been handing out
to the kiddies, I’d like to know that as well.
