A possibility of
jury duty, looking for an alibi, Netflix, a urine test, and The Office
--I have to call in on Sunday, to see if I’m required to report
for jury duty the following morning.It’s
exciting!The only time I’ve
ever been summoned, was for Los AngelesCounty– after we’d already
moved to Scranton.So this could be a new experience for me.
But I have a feeling they’re going to tell me to forget about it.Toney’s been through this several times, and when she calls
the number they almost always pull the plug on the deal.
I’m going to be disappointed if that happens, I really am.I want to go through an entire trial.Not a lengthy one, mind you.But
I’d like to live through the process from start to finish.Is that nuts?
Of course, even if they call me in, I’ll never survive jury
selection.God knows I
wouldn’t want somebody like me
sitting in judgment of me.Ya know?Hell, I might
try to send someone to the gas chamber because they blink too much, or
wear a pinkie ring, or some such infraction.
I mean, I can only take so much.
--Speaking of crazy…Yesterday I went to the Drudge Report, and the main story was
about the wildfires in California, and how officials believe
they’re the result of arson.
Immediately I began wondering if they could pin it on me, somehow.It’s true that I haven’t been in Californiasince January, but can I
prove it?Do I have a
confirmable alibi, placing me in Scrantonand not in Santa Clarita
with a Gilligan’s Island
torch and a maniacal cackle?
After a few moments of frantic contemplation, I’ve concluded that
I’m reasonably safe.
--Have any of you ever watched
a movie on the Netflix website?They’re
trying to push their “Watch Instantly” service, but I can’t
imagine anyone sitting in front of a computer monitor for two hours,
watching an entire film.
When I’m on the internet I have some sort of driving compulsion to
jump from site to site, page to page.It
would make me insane to sit still for more than a couple of minutes,
and not click around.Yeah, I
know I watch movies on televisions, but that’s different somehow.
I’m supposedly allowed seventeen hours per month, to watch stuff
“instantly” at Netflix, and to date I’ve used 18 seconds.It was the first 18 seconds of an episode of the Addam’s Family.Then I
broke out in a cold sweat, realizing I had upwards of twenty minutes
left to go, and abandoned ship.
Do you watch entire movies
at the Netflix website?I’d
be interested in knowing, because I can’t imagine such a thing.
--Earlier this week Toney
asked me why there was a paper towel laid flat in front of the
downstairs toilet.I tried to
ignore the question, because I didn’t want to answer (I’d meant to
throw the damn thing away, and forgot), but she wouldn’t let me off
the hook.
You see, Toney’s been on the Secrets’ backs lately about sloppy
peeing, bad aim, or whatever you want to call it. She claims they must
go in there and turn circles, but I suspect that’s a slight
exaggeration.
Regardless, they’re getting beat up pretty badly because, as Toney
says, they “just pee in the general
vicinity of the toilet.”And
I began wondering if I might be contributing to the problem.
Oh, I didn’t think so; I’m a very experienced urinator, and am
confident of my abilities.But
there was nagging doubt in the back of my mind, anyway.Was I causing the Secrets to be blamed for something I was
responsible for?I wouldn’t
be able to live with such a thing.
So I conducted a test.After
Toney and the boys went to school one day, I laid a paper towel on the
floor in front of the toilet.And
following each “session,” I checked it for evidence of droplets
and residual blow-back.
And I’m proud to announce it ain’t me; I am not
the Problem Peeer.
But I wish I’d remembered to dispose of the equipment used in my
scientific experiment.Because
my forced explanation made Toney say, “Hoooly shit, you really need
to get back to work.”You
know, with her eyes.
--I need your opinion on
something…A convention kicks
off today in Scranton, in appreciation of The
Office.Oh, it’s a
big deal, and has been in the works for many months.Most of the cast members will be there (everyone except the A-Listers),
and there are various events planned.
This morning Al Roker did his Today
Show weather reports from the opening ceremony (or whatever), and
it looked like complete pandemonium on TV.I know the camera can play tricks, but it appeared there were
roughly a million people there, roaring like a Rolling
Stones concert.
Al even broke into a wild-ass dance at one point, and I was afraid he
might blow his staples.
My quandary is this:should I
go, and do a full report for the site?I have a feeling I could get some excellent stories and
pictures.But there are a few
downsides…
For one, the minimum entrance fee is $25.That’ll allow you into one “event,” and some other
related crapola.Oh, they’re
having a few things that are open to the public, but I need better
access than that.I’d want to
attend the “blogger’s breakfast,” or a Q&A with the cast, or
the “getting drunk with the writers and producers” extravaganza.Ya know?
So there’s the money aspect of it.Plus,
it would be incredibly geeky to submerge myself into a churning sea of
humanity, just to get a glimpse of “Phyllis.”
On the other hand, as Michael Scott once said, "There ain't no party
like a Scranton party, 'cause a Scranton party don't stop."
So I’m going to leave it in your hands.
I'm asking you the Strummer & Jones question:should I stay or should I go?Give
me your opinion, and I shall act accordingly.
You’ve got roughly an hour to decide.When I return from the mega-chain fast food restaurant with
what Zagat proclaims Top
Food, I’ll look at the comments and make my
final decision.
