--Toney and I wandered into a store on Saturday, a joint I’d
never previously set foot in.It’s
one of those places some folks insist on describing as “funky.”Which goes a long way to explaining why I’d never been there
before...
Up front was a newsstand filled with Communist periodicals, and
pretentiously elevated café tables surrounded by assholes wearing
half-glasses way out on the ends of their noses, sipping cups of tea
without ever utilizing the little handle loops.
I made a cursory glance into that section of the store, and found
myself doing a classic double-take.Because,
in addition to the tweed pseudo-intellectuals sitting way up high,
there were two women laid-out flat on chaise lounges.
Both were covered by down comforters, pulled all the way up to their
chins.And seated at the bottom
of each, was another woman – rubbing oils into and kneading the feet
of the chicks beneath the blankets.
WTF?What kind of coffee shop
is this?!That sort of thing
almost never happens at Denny’s.
Trying to act cool, like I’m all the time seeing people getting
their feet oiled-up in a retail setting, I ventured on, following
Toney into the bowels of the building.
Behind the café was some sort of grocery store, offering
breathtakingly expensive items with unfamiliar brand names.Most of the labels seemed to feature a drawing of wheat and/or
lettering straight off a concert poster for the Quicksilver Messenger
Service.
I saw a woman in a radically snagged and misshapen sweater, placing
items inside a burlap bag.She
looked like she could benefit from a quality medicated shampoo.
At the rear of the food section was a bank of dump bins, filled with
bulk grains and the like.It
was like something straight out of Drucker’s Store on Petticoat Junction.I was
looking around for the pickle barrel, and Uncle Joe movin’ kinda
slow.
Do people actually buy barley by the pound?!
As we wended our way through the “grocery,” I noticed they were
playing some sort of tribal music over the loudspeakers, complete with
birdcalls in the background.Perhaps
I’m unsophisticated (anything’s possible), but I much prefer
ambient instrumental versions of “Whip It” and “Like a
Hurricane” when I’m shopping.
I asked Toney where she was taking me, and she acted like it was a
stupid question.I told her
I’d never been there before, and didn’t know a damn thing about
it.And this led to one of
those grade school back-and-forths: yes you have, no I haven’t, yes
you have, no I haven’t…
But I hadn’t.And God knows
I’d remember it if I had.
I could smell the potpourri before we even arrived at the rear of the
store.Toney led me up a short
staircase, and we were suddenly inside a small gift shop/upscale
boutique sort of thing.They
sold wall hangings, and embroidered pillows, and a whole tree covered
in Christmas ornaments imported from Germany, and costing roughly a
million dollars each.
Toney wanted to look at their coffee mugs, claiming they always had an
interesting selection.
While she puttered around, I drifted off on my own.I happened upon a rack of terrifying greeting cards, one of
which was a cut-out of Al Gore’s head.What the hell, man?For
what holiday would a person send such an item?Can anyone help me out with that one??
My inner sensor told me that everything in the shop was priced at
roughly 250% above its actual value, and I drifted around snorting in
amazement.
Then a funny thing happened…I
found a stack of tiny notebooks, bound in leather.Around each was wrapped a card that said something like, “The
classic notebook of Hemingway and Van Gogh.”
I held one and it felt perfect, like it was designed especially for my
hand.I’m a sucker for
notebooks and pens anyway, and I could feel myself wanting that thing,
really wanting it.Then I
turned it over and I think the tiniest of shrieks escaped my lips, as
I saw the price.Ho-ly
shitmuffins.
I returned it to the shelf, and found Toney.She showed me a few things, but I was preoccupied and only
grunted in response.It was the
notebook, haunting me and making me sweat.Stupid yuppified hippie store…
After a few minutes of suffering, I took Toney over and showed her the
thing.She said, “Yeah,
that’s nice.But you could
get something similar at Target for 75 cents.”And she was right.
But I didn’t care!I wanted
it, I wanted it bad.
And I ended up buying one.Oh,
it wasn’t a huge amount of
money, but it was hilariously ridiculous for a small pocket notebook.I felt guilty at first, but that quickly disappeared.‘Cause I love the thing.It’s
sitting on my desk right now, beside my monitor, and I get a good
feeling in my soul whenever I notice it.
Am I losing my mind, getting so worked up over a notebook?I was full-on hypnotized by a fancy-ass scratch pad!Should I call 911?Here’s
the website for the company that made it.Apparently they’re a famous outfit, but I’d never heard of
‘em before.
What’s your most memorable impulse purchase?Tell us about it, won’t you?And
am I the only one who likes pens and notebooks?Please tell me I’m not a complete
weirdo.
