The funniest show
on TV, Larry's long balls, breaking my own rule, and more
--Yesterday turned out to be a real cluster-copulation, and I
apologize for the lack of an update; I was, as they say, otherwise
occupied.But I’m back in
the Husky-Man saddle today, so let’s get right to it.Shall we?
--For the second time in
two weeks I laughed so hard during the opening minutes of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition Sunday night, I had tears streaming down my face.I think it might very well be the funniest show on television.
Last week’s episode featured a bowling ball-shaped woman who lived
with her family in a house that recently played host to a flood, a
fire, and “looting.”(These
were reportedly unrelated incidents.)Yes,
it was a complete shithole, with dirty clothes all over the place, in
great piles that nearly reached the framed paintings of jungle cats
hanging on the walls.
When that hollerin’ bullhorn man showed up on their front lawn, and
started hollerin’ into a bullhorn, the woman’s kids came blasting
forth.One skinny teenaged girl
exploded through the screen door, and went airborne off the porch.Her pipe cleaner legs were turning tight circles in the air, like she
was racing an invisible bicycle.
Another girl cut loose with a banshee yell, and raced across the yard
with her hands above her head, before jumping into the arms of a
crying and deeply-tanned homosexual gentleman.
Then Big Momma came ripping out, almost taking the door facing with
her, and promptly fell down the steps.
Man, I laughed so hard I was concerned about spotting…The woman went face-first into the sidewalk, and landed in a
lifeless meat heap. It was funnier than anything we’d seen on America’s
Funniest Home Videos, which aired right before it.
Sunday night’s installment featured people with an obscure disease
-- always a popular favorite.This
was some deal where the skull isn’t big enough, so the brain starts
working its way down the spine channel.Or something along those lines...
Apparently the mother was misdiagnosed for years, until a doctor
figured it out and fixed the problem.
That didn’t, however, tell us why her whole family was living in –
get this – a chicken coop.It
was never explained why this was so, and “Dad” puttered around in
the background looking all hangdog the whole time, when he should’ve
been out working a second job.I
mean, damn.Take off that
hideous sweater, and do
something.
The couples’ daughters all had the same disorder, and the oldest had
already undergone surgery for it.During
a segment that was supposed to be heart-wrenching, the mother was
telling hollerin’ bullhorn man about a conversation she’d recently
had with the girl.
Bullhorn had a fistful of Kleenex and was wiping away tears, as the
woman reported that her oldest daughter said, “Mom, who’s going to want
me?I’ll never be able to
have children, and my head’s
bolted to my neck.”
I’m sorry, but that’s comedy gold.If it earns me a window seat on the Hell Express, then so be
it.I’m only flesh and blood
here…
Can’t wait ‘til next week’s program!
--Speaking of TV, we watched
Sunday’s episode of Curb Your
Enthusiasm last night.Among
the many ridiculous things that happened, Larry had to be rushed to
the emergency room because his testicles became “ensnared” in his
underwear, and he suffered a case of “twisted balls.”
The doctor told him to wear flyless underwear for a while, and Larry
ended up meeting the CEO of the No Fly Zone underwear company, who
told him most guys don’t require a fly.He said 74% of men go “over the fence” when they pee,
instead of “through the gate.”
And I was wondering if that stat was real…I’m definitely an over-the-fencer, because life’s too short
to waste precious time threading your junk through a complicated
series of fabric flaps.But I
have no way of knowing how other guys handle it.
Until now!Use the comments
link below...
Oh, and the reason Larry experienced this particular problem? It's
because he has unusually "long balls." Heh.
--And I know I’m breaking my
own Rule here, but I’m going to briefly tell you about a weird dream
I had last night...
Toney, the Secrets, and I were seated at a picnic table, possibly
inside Knoebels amusement park.We’d
just finished polishing off some food, when my friend Steve walked up
– with a hair-do like Mary Tyler Moore’s, circa
1970.
Yeah, I can’t explain it either…
He sat down with us, and was acting all depressed.He was mumbling and staring at the table, and barely responding
to our questions.
Finally Toney asked if he wanted some fries, and he said yes.But he wanted her to put a stripe of mustard on each one, then
hand it to him.He was
being very pushy about it, ordering my wife around and whatnot, and I
didn't care for it.
The end.
--Finally, I have another
questionable Question for you folks.Every
morning I take the younger Secret to school, and he sometimes points
out classmates, and tells me stories about them.
And I’m very intrigued by the names.It feels like most of the kids around here are named after
people in the Bible.There’s
a ton of Matthews, and Peters, and Johns.And it seems like every other girl is named Mary.
Then there’s the yuppie kids, with unusual
first names.You know, like
Satchel, and that sort of thing.
So I started wondering…Why
do only certain Biblical names get used?I guess I can understand why there aren’t too many kids named
Judas.But what’s wrong with
Jonah, or Abel?Those would be
OK, wouldn’t they?Why
can’t people be a little more adventurous, and combine the two local
trends in child-naming?
When we lived in California, a neighbor gave birth to a baby boy, and
named him Gus.I always thought
that was riot.And Toney and I
are always on high alert for names that used to be common, but no
longer seem feasible for newborns. Like Donna.Can you imagine a baby in 2007 named Donna?
So that’s my rather ambiguous Question:what kid names have you heard recently that either make you
laugh, or cause you to scratch your chin in confusion?I’m not really talking about wacky
names, like Candy Crisp or Willie Stroker, but those are always fun
too…
And what names should be
used, but aren’t?Like, say,
Santa.Why are there no kids
named Santa? Talk about a built-in sense of trust!
Use the comments link, and I’ll see you guys tomorrow.
