Golf after twenty
years, and suing people in a court of law
--I played nine holes of golf on Saturday.No, seriously; I’m not joking.
The younger Secret is interested in it for some reason, so we bought
him a cheap set of clubs a couple of months back, and Toney signed him
up for kiddie klasses at a local course.I also bought a driver at a flea market (which turned out to be
a lady’s driver – I think it’s a Sandra Bullock model), and
we’ve been to the driving range a few times.
But, as these things usually go, he needs more,
more, more.He’s been
working on Toney, telling her he wants to play real golf on a real
course with his Dad.And at
that point there was nothing left to do...
So on Saturday morning I called a place not too far from here, and
asked them how busy they were.The
woman said the season is basically over, and there were only three
people currently on the course.
Sounded good to me!My biggest
concern, you see, was getting out there and having a group of
fancy-pants tucked-shirt assholes breathing down our necks the whole
time, with their $10,000 sets of clubs and constantly beeping PDAs.“The season is basically over” was music to my ears.
I asked the oldest Secret if he wanted to go along.He’s not as enthusiastic as his brother, but he was welcome
to go.He said yes, and I told
him I didn’t want a bunch of goofiness; I expected him to
take it at least semi-seriously. ‘Cause, you know, he’s
goofiness-prone.
We had a quick lunch at Five Guys, and made our way to the golf
course.And there were a hell
of a lot more than three people there…In fact, three people were getting gear out of cars, and
preparing to play -- right out front.Dammit!
I rented a bagful of clubs that looked like they’d spent some time
at the bottom of a lake, and as we were making our way to the first
tee, those three parking lot guys started moving in the same
direction.
I could feel my blood pressure inching upward.It was turning out just as I’d feared.I even heard one of their PDAs beep.
We stopped at the putting green, hoping they’d go around us.But they started putting as well.I asked one of ‘em if they were going to play the front nine,
and he said yeah, but they were waiting for someone to join them.
“Go!” I whisper-screamed
to the Secrets.This was our
chance to get out-front, and the youngest teed up his ball and knocked
it about a hundred yards straight down the fairway.The oldest hit his in the same vicinity, and mine went flying
off to the right, across a fence, and out into the middle of a cow
pasture.Simply excellent.
By the time we reached the green, we could see those three parking lot
guys, with their newly-arrived friend, standing at the tee area,
tapping their feet with impatience.I
fucking knew it…
But it's funny.Those
dudes were climbing up our asses for the first three holes, then
disappeared.I don’t know
what happened to them, and don’t really care.Because by the time we reached the fourth hole, it felt like we
had the entire course to ourselves.And
once we could relax, we had a blast.
The Secrets were fascinated by the ball cleaners, and used every one
we happened upon.The oldest
said, “You know why you’re supposed to wash your balls?”I said, “Because they get sweaty?”And this triggered much boy-laughter.
On one hole, a 180 yard par 3, I sincerely believed I’d hit a
hole-in-one.The ball landed on
the green(!), in a spot where I couldn’t see it from the tee box,
and I just about soiled myself.
Yes, that was one of my three or four good shots, mixed in with dozens
and dozens of bad ones.But it
was a fun time.The boys played
remarkably well, and I didn’t suck nearly as bad as I’d feared.Oh, I sucked all right, but I thought I’d be flinging clubs,
doing headers into ponds, rolling around in mud, and sobbing
uncontrollably.
We didn’t keep score, but I’d be willing to bet I didn’t break
150.Pretty good for nine
holes, huh?
There was an apple tree near the green on the last hole, and I kicked
an apple up there and started putting it around.I hit it a couple of times, and it began falling apart.Eventually the thing got stuck on my putter, and I couldn’t
get it off.I was whipping it around, and the apple just wouldn’t let loose.
The Secrets thought this was a riot.And, of course, the older one walked over as I picking fruit off a golf club, and said, “I thought there
wasn’t supposed to be any goofiness today?…Look at you.”
And so it goes.
--The Question of the Day is
completely unrelated to anything I just wrote, but when have we ever
worried about crap like that? Huh?
Today
I’d like to know if you’ve ever been sued, or if you’ve ever
sued someone else.I have
nothing to contribute on this one, but hopefully you guys have some
stories to tell.Use the
comments link below.
