Designed to classify the faeces

July 7, 2006

-- When I was in high school there was a guy, older than me, who walked around in a homemade t-shirt that said across the front: SUCK A ROD. That's it, nothing else. It was made with cheap iron-on letters, and they were all crooked and askew, as if he'd created this masterpiece while drunk. Or after another hit off the gas can. Or whatever. It seemed like he wore it three days a week, until the principal finally made him stop.

And when I was in grade school, sixth grade I think, a kid started showing up in a shirt that featured a cartoon of two pigs copulating, above the words "Makin' Bacon!" I'm not exaggerating when I tell you that he wore the thing at least twice a week -- well into high school. Hell, he's probably still wearing it. Nobody, as far as I know, ever challenged him about his livestock-fucking shirt, and I still don't understand how he got away with it.

A big sexually-ambiguous riffle-thighed girl in high school was also fond of the custom-made t-shirts, just like Mr. Suckarod. But she went in a different direction with it, and had a lot more ambition. She took it upon herself to advertise album releases, by the (always female) artists she liked. One day, I remember, she came to school in a massive curtain of white fabric, almost completely covered in iron-on letters.

It said something along these lines: FINALLY!! HEART'S GREATEST HITS/LIVE WILL ARRIVE IN STORES ON TUESDAY APRIL 14, ON COLUMBIA RECORDS AND TAPES! THE DOUBLE ALBUM WILL FEATURE TWO NEW SONGS, LIVE VERSIONS OF OLD FAVORITES, AND ALL THEIR GREATEST HITS! LIST PRICE IS $11.98. BUY IT!!!

I just thought you'd want to know.

-- Because of the big sucking hole that Phil Hendrie's retirement has left in the center of my weekdays, I spend a lot of time bouncing frantically from station to station, like an Alzheimer's patient searching for the house he's lived in for the past fifty years. And yesterday I'm almost certain that I heard someone on the radio say that American presidents travel to foreign countries with their own portable toilets.

Seriously. They're set-up right in their hotel rooms, so the chief executive never has to use the local crappers. The reason, supposedly, is so his "waste material" can't be collected by foreign governments, and analyzed(!). Apparently this is something that's done quite frequently; toilets are pre-rigged with a secret compartment, where the Prez's turds (and whatnot) are captured and later retrieved.

I'm pretty sure I actually heard this, but haven't been able to find anything about it on the internet. Was it just a bizarre dream, or is it real? Can any of you help?? I need to know. Because, now that I think about it.... the whole thing actually sounds like a Hendrie bit. And I'm very concerned that my brain is starting to sputter and misfire, and create phantom Philisms. Please tell me that I'm not losing my, um, shit.

-- Yesterday I learned about an artist in West Virginia who has painted, and continues to paint, watercolor portraits of well-known Charleston landmarks, past and present. The hook? Each features the city's most famous homeless man, Aqualung. 

Sometimes he's just a small part of the picture, pushing his overloaded shopping cart down the sidewalk in the background, in others he's nearly the main focus. And supposedly these paintings are the cool thing to own among local hipsters and yuppies. Here's a short article about it. 

Very cool. As soon as the Budget Tapes and Records edition is released, I'm all over it.

-- And speaking of tapes and records... For the past couple of weeks I've thought that the new Red Hot Chili Peppers