June 15, 2007

-- When I was a little kid I asked my grandmother if I could have a taste of her coffee. She and my grandfather seemed to drink the stuff ‘round the clock, so it must be pretty good, huh? Heck, they even had special cups, green and plastic, shallow and wide, that were apparently purchased especially for coffee-drinking. 

I had to know.

So she and my mother exchanged significant glances, and I was allowed to take a sip. And it tasted like dirt clods filtered through a pair of August underwear, then heated up. Blechh. For a few seconds there was a very real threat of vomit in the room, something that seemed to amuse the adults to no end.

I had no further interest in the horrible crap until after high school, when I somehow became a casual coffee-drinker. I can’t remember how that came about, but it was the caffeine I liked. I’d fancy myself the writer, pull all-nighters on Maxwell House, and be chattering my teeth like a spider monkey by 2 am.

In Atlanta I shared an apartment with a girlfriend, and she got me started on the traditional morning routine of shuffling into the kitchen first thing (usually clearing the pipes of air along the way), and pouring a big ol’ mug of coffee. 

And that’s the way it’s been ever since. I get up and drink Eight O’Clock until I realize I’m not enjoying it anymore, then switch over to water. It’s a morning ritual, and mornings only. Once the switchover from hot to cold has occurred, there is no going back. And that usually happens before 11 am.

My brother drinks coffee all the time, from morning to night. I can’t even imagine such a thing. There’s a morning beverage, a daytime beverage, and sometimes beer at night. You can’t be jumping beverage zones all willy-nilly; it’s just not natural.

I also don’t like to drink coffee while eating. I usually skip breakfast, so it’s not a problem. But if we’re traveling or whatever and I find myself in a breakfast restaurant, I’m forced to make the switch early. Hot drinks and food do not mix... I’ll sometimes compromise and order iced tea, to keep the caffeine going. But usually it’s just straight to the water.

Yesterday I was having lunch at a diner nearby, and a man sat down beside me. After glancing at the menu he proceeded to order a grilled cheese sandwich with tomatoes(?!), a cup of coffee, and a glass of water. 

So many infractions… I got a little light-headed trying to make sense of it all. I’m lucky I didn’t fall off that stool and hit my head on the cigarette machine.

When I was in my late twenties I briefly experimented with the poofter designer coffees, like Starbucks, etc. I tried to like it, I really did. But it wasn’t meant to be. For one thing, I had a big problem handing over five dollar bills to radically-pierced hipsters for fifty cents worth of java. I mean, what am I, a complete asshole? 

And the stuff isn’t even very good; Dunkin Donuts is a thousand times better. The fancy crap is usually bitter and ridiculously strong, and can give even a ColonMaster such as myself problems. A few cups of the house blend at Starbucks mister, and you’ll be wiping down toilet tanks, and all adjacent walls. It’s like a blasting cap going off in your rectum.

Anyway… that’s my history with coffee, and a brief overview of my Beverage Theories. 

And since we’re on the subject, and in the interest of full-disclosure, you should also know that I almost never drink soda. When I was working I used to down an occasional Mountain Dew Severe as an afternoon pick-me-up, but those days are over. We don’t buy the stuff, never have, and the Secrets only get it as a rare treat at restaurants. 

It’s one of the reasons they’re both slim and trim, I think, and not a couple of rosy-cheek Campbell’s Soup Kid riffle-puddins. A lot of their friends sit around sucking on bottles of Vanilla Coke all day, and many have breasts like Jessica Alba. Which would be fine, if they weren't nine year old boys.

Have yourselves a great weekend, folks.

I’ll see ya on Monday.




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Last updated
01/17/12 12:13 PM

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