Holy
crap in a Bundt pan...
Due to the
recent well-publicized shortage of
amateur websites produced by assholes who consider themselves to be
clever, I
have been called into action. My name is Jeff Kay, and I’m an
Ugly American living
on the cusp of a mid-life crisis, near Scranton, PA. And I’m here to
serve, baby.
The
State of My Fat Ass A journal of
sorts, updated every once in a while.
--I think I pulled a muscle in my neck while washing my hair this
morning.I’m not kidding, I was
scrubbing my tiny Duke head when there was a sudden sharp lightning bolt
of pain above my right shoulder.And
now I have to turn my entire body to look to the side.
I remember hearing about a woman in
Atlanta
who supposedly slipped a disc, or broke her spinal cord, or something,
while scratching a lottery ticket.I’ve
made fun of that unknown person for years, and this might just be a
little karma coming home to roost.Hell,
I’m afraid to brush my teeth for fear of ending up in ICU.
I hope they don’t
have to build scaffolding up my head, like those teenagers who get real
tall real fast, or whatever. Because I
can’t have that.
--I think I’m going to
have to do something quite unpleasant today:mow the entire lawn.You
see, I sometimes (ahem) take the half-ass route and only mow the front
yard, since nobody but Poppa Half-Shirt can see behind our house.And Halfy needs something to bitch about.
But now it’s gotten out of hand out there, and I might have to use a
sickle before I get started with the mower itself.It’ll be like the old Depeche Mode cover, and I’m not really
exaggerating all that much.How
did I allow such a thing to happen??
Oh well, I’ll just load my iPod with every Cinderella CD I own, and go
to town.For some reason
Cinderella feels appropriate for such a job.Pass the beer nuts.
--Man, the weather simply
couldn’t be any better than it’s been for the past couple of days up
here.It’s warm, but
there’s almost no humidity and it’s the brand of perfection we
don’t see nearly enough of.
Last night after dinner all of us went to a park nearby, and took
advantage of the walking trails for an hour or so.The Secrets threw rocks into a creek, we stopped and petted a big
smiling golden retriever, and a splendid time was had by all.
Then we went to our favorite ice cream shop, where I had a single scoop
of something called Charlie Brownie.I’m usually an Oreo kinda guy, but lately that Charlie Brownie
has been calling my name.And
it has a very seductive voice.
We had every window in our house open, and it felt great.After Toney and the kids went to bed I watched The
Bourne Supremacyon the BAT, then slept like a corpse.I don’t think I moved the entire night, and was fully and
absolutely asleep when Toney prodded my back fat to tell me it was time
to get up.
It’s impossible to be in a bad mood in this kind of weather, even an
unemployed fat man who has to twist his entire torso to look at a clock.
--Are you guys seeing the
National Lampoon ads on the Surf Report homepage?It should be a so-called tower in the right column, above the
words Your Ad Here.For the
past couple of days I’ve seen nothing but white space there. Sometimes
that stuff gets blocked on my computer, but I’m starting to wonder.Is there anything there?What
the hell, man?
--Since my new afternoon
office (Panera Bread) came online, I’ve decided I should probably
invest in a few minor upgrades.
The battery in my laptop works sometimes, and sometimes it doesn’t.The stupid thing never held much of a charge, and is now
completely unreliable.A
couple of weeks ago the computer told me there wasn’t a battery
installed, it couldn’t even detect the presence of the POS!It was only a matter of time before there was a fire.
So I ordered a replacement.Dell
wanted $139 plus shipping, but I found one on eBay for $60 – including
postage.Genuine Dell parts,
brand new, same item number, and everything.I was hoping the battery was part of the big Dell recall, so I
could get one for free, but it wasn’t.And how predictable is that?
I also ditched the nerdy old briefcase-style computer bag I’d been
using, for this
super-sporty model that’s supposedly a replica of the
one Jack Bauer uses on 24.I always wanted to carry the luggage of fictional badasses, and
now it’s happening…
If you need me after one o’clock
in the afternoon, I’ll be the guy at the corner table with tears
streaming down his face, and a broccoli cheddar goatee.
--I’m listening to the
Zombies, in case you were wondering. This albumto be exact.It’s
one of the greatest things the human race has managed, to date.Yes, better than penicillin.
--And before I call it a
day here, I have a question for ya.Yesterday I went to Wendy’s for my standard #1 with cheese, no
pickles, and a Coke. And I found a five dollar bill in the parking lot!
Only once can I remember finding more cash than that.It was at Peaches Records in Greensboro, and I came across a wad of bills that included a ten and several ones.
Do you have any stories to tell about finding money?What’s your biggest groundscore?What were the circumstances?Was there any guilt involved?Tell us about it, won’t you?Use the comments link below.
--
I think I pulled a muscle in my neck while washing my hair this
morning. I’m not kidding, I was
scrubbing my tiny Duke head when there was a sudden sharp lightning bolt
of pain above my right shoulder. And
now I have to turn my entire body to look to the side.
super-sporty model that’s supposedly a replica of the
one Jack Bauer uses on 24.
