Holy
crap in a Bundt pan...
Due to the
recent well-publicized shortage of
amateur websites produced by assholes who consider themselves to be
clever, I
have been called into action. My name is Jeff Kay, and I’m an
Ugly American living
on the cusp of a mid-life crisis, near Scranton, PA. And I’m here to
serve, baby.
The
State of My Fat Ass A journal of
sorts, updated every once in a while.
--Andy chased the white rabbit
yesterday afternoon, and lived to bark the tale.I felt incredibly guilty tricking him into eating the peyote
button, or whatever it was, and when he started walking around all
wobbly, like he was attempting to climb a flight of invisible stairs, it
didn’t help matters either.
But he went for his hair appointment, and was mellow, man.Usually he’d
be a basket-case in such situations, quite possibly lunging at throats
and whatnot, but he didn’t seem to have a care in the world yesterday.
And now he’s all clean and neat, and looks like a pup again.He’s still not acting completely normal, he’s kinda quiet and
distant, but I’m sure he’ll be his old self again soon.Right?The big test will
be when the mailman arrives.If
Andy doesn’t go ass-over-tits as usual, I’m going to start worrying.
You don’t think we did permanent damage, do you?
--We’re right in the middle of
nose nectar season up here in northeastern PA.Everything is in bloom, and my nostrils are going to town:just as clear as mountain spring water…
A few days ago I launched into an extended sneezing jag in the living
room, then unknowingly walked around for fifteen minutes or so sporting
a large brooch of snot on the front of my shirt.Toney said, for about the fifth time this month, “You’re
incredibly gross.”
I’m not really a fan of nose nectar season.It reminds me of a vacation we took years ago, when I sneezed
almost continuously for a full week.I’m
not joking, it was nearly ‘round the clock sneezing, and I was pretty
much incapacitated the whole time.
Yes, Sporegon is a beautiful state, but I don’t think I could live
there.
--And speaking of that, my Mom
told me yesterday that an old man who “dates” one of my aunts
sneezed at a picnic recently, and his pants fell down.Is that not excellent?I
submit that it is.
--I have a couple of quick
technical questions for you guys.
First… will I be able to load Microsoft Word onto my laptop without
encountering a bunch of running my hands through my hair
problems?I have the original
installation disc, but does Microsoft allow you to use it on multiple
machines?Anything I should know
before jumping into that swirling cesspool?It’s not gonna lock my shit down, is it?
And second… do you know of a way I might be able to save a cell
phone voicemail to my computer as an mp3?I have a message from Buck that I’ve been hanging onto since
February, and you guys really need to hear it.
--Also, any opinions about the
season finale of LOST?Toney and I watched it in real time last night, instead of
recording it to the DVR like we usually do.And the thing that keeps jumping to the front of my mind this
morning is the hilarious glue-on Paul McCartney beard Jack was sporting
in the flashbacks, or flashforwards, or whatever they were.
Wot up wit dat?It looked like
they bought that thing at Party
City
.
Any thoughts on the show?Did it
fold your brain in two, like it did mine?Sweet sainted mother of Zoogz Rift!And now we have to wait until February for a new episode...The basta’ds.
--I know this one is registering
a tad high on the blowsameter, but I’ve got about five things going on
here this morning.Plus I’m
really hungry all of a sudden, and have a powerful hankering for mashed
potatoes and gravy.
So, I’m gonna turn it over to Brad now,
and call it a day.
