Holy
crap in a Bundt pan...
Due to the
recent well-publicized shortage of
amateur websites produced by assholes who consider themselves to be
clever, I
have been called into action. My name is Jeff Kay, and I’m an
Ugly American living
on the cusp of a mid-life crisis, near Scranton, PA. And I’m here to
serve, baby.
The
State of My Fat Ass A journal of
sorts, updated every once in a while.
--Sunshine & Mumbles are gone.They
left early this morning, and are now in transit to Eninen’s house,
where they’ll trash me and Toney for the next week or so, as they did
Nancy and the gang while they were here.Ahh… the circle of life.
The visit didn’t go very well.Something
happened around Day Eight, and everything just kinda degenerated.We were tolerating each other until we reached that breaking
point, then it became fairly tense here at Jeff & Toney’s Bed and
Breakfast
Inn
and Old Country Saloon.
It’s funny how there’s a limit to those kinds of things, and
everyone seems to be in sync with it.One night you go to bed and there’s not a problem, then you get
up the next morning and it’s officially Too Much.And the whispered obscenities start, and the sniping, and the
fantasies about folks being shoved down flights of stairs.
The visits with S&M always
go past that invisible line, by at least two days.Always.And the staircase in my fantasy is very steep and leads down to a
darkened cellar, in case you’re interested.
Early in the visit we went to the middle school for something called
Family Fun Night.It was
basically a fund-raising event for the PTA, I think, and they had
various carnival-style games, food, etc.Toney’s involved in all that stuff, so we always have to go.And I usually end up leaning against a cinderblock wall while my
wife has extended conversations with, what feels like, the entire Commonwealth
of
Pennsylvania
.
This time, however, I had S&M to keep me company.And Sunny bitched the entire time.It was too hot, it was too crowded, the food was terrible and way
too expensive, “rich bitches” kept looking at her, and the janitor
was “clearly” a child molester.
At one point we were seated at a cafeteria table eating burnt pizza, and
Sunshine flew into a rage because some
bitch with a
Pennsylvania
haircut was laughing at her.I
have no idea what a
Pennsylvania
haircut is, and didn’t see anyone laughing at anyone.But Mumbles had to talk her down, before the
bitch was confronted.
It never stops.
She also launched into a lengthy diatribe about the provocative way
young girls dress nowadays.It’s
always nowadays, as if
teenagers ten years ago dressed like the Amish.
That kind of crap irritates me, because it’s both lazy and dishonest.It’s like when people insist on adding the phrase “especially
these days” at the end of
sentences, insinuating we’re on the verge of another Great Depression.I’ve heard that phrase all my life, and it makes my skin crawl.
Anyway…Sunshine told the oldest Secret to be careful with those kinds of
girls, because they’d get him into trouble.During this grandmotherly advice session I’m almost certain I
heard her use the phrase “hoochie mama.”
The oldest Secret turned eleven last month, and had no idea what she was
talking about.He just blinked a
few times, and asked me if he could have a dollar for cotton candy.
Shortly after her outburst about trampy teens, Toney was talking to a
woman who’s a big shot with the swim team, and a group of girls sat
down near us.They looked to be
about twelve years old, and one had incredibly large breasts -- and a
very tight shirt to accentuate her new arrivals.
I thought Sunshine was going to have a seizure.She dropped the pizza box lid she’d been using to fan herself,
and started hollering about the girl’s “huge set.”
She was basically yelling, and just wouldn’t drop it.Toney was clearly embarrassed, and the girls had
to hear her.At one point my
mother-in-law said, “I didn’t have tits that big even when I was
pregnant!Those babies are Ds!!”
I decided it was a good time to go check on the Secrets, and got the
hell out of there.Even a hint of
decorum would’ve been appreciated.
As we were walking to our cars a young girl came running past us and
yelled, “Mom!I’m about
to punch some fifth-graders in the face!If they call me ‘lesbo’ one more time, they’re going to
have a black & blue eye!!”
Heh, black & blue eye.Why
does that make me laugh?
Needless to say, the lesbo part touched off yet another high-horse
session from Sunny, about how fast kids grow up nowadays.This coming only minutes after she’d screamed the word
“tits” in the cafeteria of a middle school….
I’m not a religious man, but I thanked the Lord we’d come in
separate cars.It was only a
ten-minute drive home, but it was the most beautiful ten minutes I can
remember.
I’ve got more, lots more, but I’d better pace myself here.
I’ll leave you now with a question the Secrets asked me last night:What would you do if you could be invisible for a day?I answered in a kid-friendly manner, but there’s no reason you
have to do the same, if you don’t want.Use the comments link below.
