--The ride to work yesterday afternoon ate it, with gusto.It was, as we used to say back home, slicker than cat shit on
a marble floor.I was twenty
minutes late, even though I left ten minutes early, and my stomach
lining was conspiring against me.
But conventional wisdom told us the ride home would be even
worse.Because, they
kept saying, the snow is going to end and the freezing rain is going
to begin.I didn’t care for
any of it, I didn’t care for it t’all.
Needless to say, half the employees called-off.And half of the remaining half left around
nine o’clock
.So we were running on a
skeleton crew, and the smokers kept feeding us progress reports
throughout the night:“Oh
man, it’s horrible out there.WE’RE
ALL GOING TO DIE!!”
Well, that’s simply excellent.
But I went home around
1 AM
and had no problems.It was
pouring down the rain, the kind that makes a tick!
sound and bounces off your windshield.But the roads weren’t nearly as slippery as they were at 3
in the afternoon.
I just turned on George Noory, listened to a crazy man from
France
talk crazy with an accent, and cruised on down the highway.And when I got near the house I went through the McDonald’s
drive-through, and bought two hamburgers and a small order of fries.Then I watched Fox News in the fambly room, while Andy helped
me with the fries.
And all was right with the world.
--As far as I can tell,
today is going to be a slam-dunk, commute-wise.But the Secrets’ schools were closed, Toney’s home, and
it feels like the weekend ‘round here.
When the kids come crashing through the door every afternoon, I
always ask them what they did at school that day.And the answers I receive confuse me.It’s always, “Oh, we watched a movie.”Or, “We had a party and ate cupcakes and cookies.”Or, “There was a magician there and he sawed a woman in
half.”
A few weeks ago the oldest Secret told me there were giant ramps
set-up in the gym, and a group of skateboarders were there doing
stunts and whatnot.And
that’s what they did, all afternoon:watched strangers fly through the air, and roll around on
wheels.
What in the pan-fried hell?What
is this, school or a cruise?!
So when I hoisted my heft off the dormancy platform a little while
ago, and learned that everyone was home today, I told Toney she
should probably make the Secrets watch a Harry Potter movie or
something.“You know,” I
said, “so they don’t get behind in their studies.”
Pitiful.
--A couple of years ago,
when I was still slopping at the trough of the “entertainment
industry,” my employer gave me an iPod nano for Christmas (winter
holiday).Since I love
gadgetry, like Black Lips Houlihan loves spaghetti, I was almost
giddy with excitement.
I monkeyed around with the thing, and milked as much fun as possible
from it.But when it was all
said and done, I realized I had no real use for an mp3 player.I blasted CDs at home and in the car, and was rarely in a
situation where I needed to have “private” music piped into my
head.
So I used my iPod when I mowed the grass, and that was about it.Which meant it got used, what, three or four times per year?I liked the idea
of an iPod, but in reality the thing collected dust on the corner of
my desk.
Until I started my new job, that is...Now I can’t believe, simply can’t
believe, how great it is.It’s
almost literally changed everything.During the first few weeks I didn’t use it (I thought it
was unprofessional), and it felt like I was on a nightly
cross-country car trip with a gang of garlic-eating Arabs, or
something.Nothing short of
excruciating.
But since the Era of the iPod began, time flies by.I love that thing, and I’m not joking.It’s the greatest invention ever!Yes, even greater than the small pox vaccine...
And now that I’m fully invested in it, I have a burning urge to
upgrade.Do you suffer from
this particular mental illness?God
knows I do.Whenever I enjoy
something, I have to take it to its fullest limit.
My little 2GB nano simply won’t do anymore.Even though it’s served me well, and holds an incredible
amount of shit...Here’s
the current detail, in case you’re interested.I’m now obsessed with the big ‘uns, the ones with 160
gigs of storage, or some such ridiculousness.
I don’t need the big ‘un, I don’t need it at all.My current iPod, which was “free,” is more than enough.But I will not sleep until I’ve taken it all the way to the
outer edges of common sense.
Do any of you understand this?Logically
it makes no sense, but logic goes straight out the window when the
obsession kicks in.Can you
sympathize with this particular mental illness? Help me out, won’t
you?Make me feel better.What are your illogical, irrational obsessions?Use the comments link below.
And I hope it’s not obvious, but this bitch was written like an
email.I got a late start,
and need to get out of here.I
have to attend a meeting at work, as soon as I arrive, and can’t
be late.
