--I’m in the foulest of moods today, my friends.I’ve got too much to do, and the rate of progress is
unacceptable.I feel
like I’m eating a plate of some kind of garlicky mess, and it’s regenerating
itself
with every bite.A few
minutes ago I lashed out viciously at a pair of gray socks.
I’m slipping on the updates, I’ve got extracurricular projects
strewn here and there, in various states of incompletion... And
Toney helped me get the Fish caps ready to mail over the weekend,
but they’re still sitting in the family room boxed-up and going
nowhere.
But they WILL be mailed tomorrow, dammit.And they WILL go first class, and you guys WILL have them
early next week.
I apologize from the bottom of my enlarged, fat-packed heart about
the half-assery that is
the Smoking Fish caps.They’re
nice-looking, and I know you’ll be satisfied with your purchase,
but the whole thing has been botched from Day One.I wish somebody would just come up here and shoe me in the
nuts.
And don’t even get me started on the job stuff...I was supposed to start my big honkin’ three-day weekend
today, but they informed us we’d be working instead.And that’s simply excellent.
One of “my people” quit last week, in dramatic fashion (it’s
like Knot's Landing in that place), and another is out on some sort of medical leave.So, we’re short-handed and it’s a full-on battle to get
it all done.I’ve been
working my shit down to a smoldering nub, and my delicate lady-hands
are starting to get all rough and scaly.
This morning I woke up with a throbbing pain in my back, just north
of the Great Divide, and I’m walking around like I’ve got an egg
up my ass.And I
wasn’t very nice to Toney on the phone a little while ago, and
have been feeling guilty about that as well…
Last night, after I got home from work at 3:30 am, I tried
to be proactive and put a load of clothes in the washer.I was all out of clean jeans, and since I’d be working on
Thursday… I figured I’d better step to it.
Great idea, right?Wrong.The alarm went off at 10:15, and I
wobbled downstairs like a man on a balance beam, just in time for
the phone to start ringing.It was the school nurse, telling me the youngest Secret
is
“sick,” and wants to come home.I talked to him, and he said his throat hurt.So I told him I’d be there in a few minutes.
Then I realized all my jeans were sopping wet, and plastered to the
wall of the washing machine.What
the hell, man?!Toney
laughed, and told me to just put on a pair of Dockers, or something.Oh yeah, a slept-in Iggy Pop t-shirt, dress pants, hair going
in every direction…I’d
look like an escaped mental patient; the school secretary would
probably make an emergency phone call to John Walsh.
Screw it. I hurled one pair of jeans into the dryer, and went upstairs and put
my contacts in, and all that crapola.And when I returned, the things felt semi-normal. So I put them on.
Then my crotch went moist.
As I was driving I think that big seam up the middle started putting
off water.The jeans
felt nice and warm in the beginning, but were now cold and clammy.By the time I arrived at the school, my underwear was
soaked-through and vacuum-sealed to my ass.
I stepped out of the car and instinctively began the plucking
process, just as the principal came bounding around the corner.I think his name is Mr. Aqua-Velva, or something, and our
eyes locked as he spotted me in a deep-knee bend position,
frantically pawing at my genitalia.
“Good morning,” he said, and kept on walking.Yeah, so much for keeping John Walsh off my back…
How's
yourday going?
-- I'm now going to go shove some chicken salad down my neck, and
go in for the bonus round at work.I’ll leave you with yet
another
mind-blowing Smoking Fish sighting.I mean, this one
is incredible, folks…
Check it out.I don’t
have time right now to verify it, but I believe we now have
sightings on all seven continents.Anybody care to do the legwork on that one?I’m almost certain it’s true.I love it!
And I’ll see you guys next time.I can
pretty much guarantee it won’t be tomorrow, but who knows? I could
experience a sudden burst of inspiration, or something...
