--At 2:30
this morning my work week was officially over.That’s the good side of the crazy-ass schedule I’m
working.The bad side?I haven’t seen my wife or kids since Sunday afternoon, and
ate two entire sausage McMuffins (2 for $3!) while driving home
under the cover of darkness last night.
I’m worried that someday authorities will have to remove the
picture window from the front of our house, so they can extract my
massive and jiggling body.Then
I’ll be rolled into divorce court, against my will, with tears
streaming down my face, and the corner of a blueberry Pop-Tart stuck to the side of my always-in-motion neck.
But, of course, I have a tendency to get a little carried away with
the scenarios.
--During every ten hour
shift at work, I listen to at least two full Phil Hendrie Shows.Last night I devoured April 21 & 24, 2000 – six hours
of radio (minus commercials) – and all nineteen songs on The
Jam’s Greatest Hits.
If they didn’t allow iPods in that place, I don’t think I could
make it through.I
really don’t.Ten
hours of analyzing data in front of a bank of comically-oversized
computer monitors, is like something along the lines of a
cross-country car trip with Sean Penn, Mumbles, and a wicker basket
full of soured washcloths.
You know, approximately…
--I got my hair cut a
few days ago, and the woman trimmed my eyebrows.That’s not a good sign, is it?Eyebrows, ears, nose holes… these are all places where wild
hair starts sprouting during the later
years.Am I wrong?
I tried to cover up my sense of horror by making a joke; I asked her
if I was starting to look like Andy Rooney.But the chick was probably born in 1988, and had no idea who
I was talking about.She
said, “Was he an actor in the ‘50s or something?”Screw it, I just dropped the whole thing.
Then she proceeded to tell me an odd story about working on
Christmas Eve.The salon
is located inside a mall, and she said the whole place was slammed
with shoppers until about four
o’clock
in the afternoon.After
that, she reported, “it was nothing but Chinese people.”
I thought that was mildly amusing.Then she added, almost as an afterthought, “But, you know,
their hair is really easy to cut.Just put a bowl on their head, and start clippin’.”And she followed this with an extended burst of hysterical
laughter.
I almost fell off my chair-on-a-stick.
--Over the past couple
of months my fingernails have become alarmingly brittle.What would cause such a thing?If I happen to knock my hand against something, even lightly,
the nails almost explode.
This has never been an issue before, but it is now.Just a few minutes ago I was putting something in the trunk
of my car, my hand slipped, and I could practically hear the sound
of shattering glass.And
now the nail on my middle right finger is all jagged, and there’s
a triangular hunk missing straight down the middle.
Toney says I need to get back on the Dr. Dot regimen: a
multi-vitamin, baby aspirin, and banana every day.So maybe I’ll try it, I don’t know...
I just have a sneaking suspicion those multi-vitamins go into your
mouth, then straight into the urinal – at a rate of about 25 cents
each.But what do I know
about it, really?
--All four of us have
been sitting down and playing Monopoly on Saturday nights, since we
don’t see each other as much as we should.I don’t believe I’d played that game in twenty years,
until recently, and it’s surprisingly fun.
Last weekend I had so much money I was trying to buy Go, but
negotiations broke down during the eleventh hour...
I have a question, though.It
seems I remember piling money up in the middle of the board, back
during a previous lifetime.Is
there a variation where fines and such are thrown into the middle,
then a player gets the whole pot if something (I can’t remember)
happens?
Did I just imagine that, or is it a legitimate way of playing?Help me out, won’t you?And what’s your favorite
game piece, or whatever those
things are called?I
always go with the dog, he’s solid and unpretentious.What about you?
And wonder if it says something about your personality, the Monopoly
piece you choose? Hmm…Perhaps
we should explore that someday?
--Remember how I was
recently flirting with the idea of buying Photoshop, and trying to
learn the program?
Well, somebody at Adobe read those updates as well, and sent me a
copy!Oh yeah.I’m not going to mention the person’s name, for obvious
reasons, but wanted to thank him/her publicly.So, thanks!I
appreciate it, sincerely.
And someday I hope to have Surf Reporters operating inside all
the world’s major corporations…
--The oldest Secret
keeps asking me to put the latest Die
Hard
movie on my Netflix list, but I can’t remember exactly what it’s
called.Is it Live
Hard, Die Young?Live
Fast, Die Happy?Live
Tomorrow, Die Today?Live
Moist, Die Lonely?Any ideas?I’m
at a loss.
--I was watching an
episode of The Twilight
Zone
a few days ago, and it featured Will Robinson from Lost
In Space.The kid was talking to his recently-deceased grandmother, via
a toy telephone(!), and she was trying to convince him to join her
on “the other side.”So
he started flinging himself in front of moving cars, and that sort
of thing.
But there was a scene in which the boy’s father picked up the
wooden phone, and began begging his dead mother to leave the kid
alone.And during his
anguished speech, he said, “Mother, he’s only five years old!He’s never gone to school, or had a girlfriend, …or
experienced long pants!”
What the?!Toney and I
just looked at each other, shrugged and continued watching.
--And that’s gonna do
it for today, boys and girls.I
probably won’t be able to update on Friday, for a host of reasons.I’ll try, but it probably won’t happen.And for that, I apologize in advance.
I’ll leave you now with a Question I ripped off from Phil Hendrie,
circa 1999.
Have you ever watched a movie that your friends recommended and
raved about, and you absolutely hated?If so, we need to hear about it.Which movie, and why did it suck?Were you honest with the people who recommended it, or did
you let ‘em down easy?Tell
us about it in the comments section below, won’t you?
