--A few months ago, when I was still unemployed, I saw an ad in
a Sunday newspaper announcing that the US Postal Service was
planning to add twenty or so people in our area.I was at a point where mild panic was starting to set in, and
needed options.So I
went to their website and signed up to take the test.
Then nothing happened for several weeks.And after that, nothing continued to happen.Eventually I just forgot about it.I mean, who the hell knows?When you’re looking for a job, you get used to that sort of
thing.Lack of a
response is the default setting, it seems.
Then I got something in the mail, telling me I’d been assigned to
take the test at a community hall in a neighboring town.They gave me all the necessary information, and told me to
bring along photo ID and two sharpened #2 pencils.Hilarious.I’d
have to make sure I didn’t mistakenly take some #4s, or
something…
I didn’t believe I’d ever actually work for the post office; I
just couldn’t see that happening, even through the lens of my
semi-vivid imagination.After
all, I’m a fat white guy who never served in the military, and
would be able to take the test with my still-functioning hands, not
a forehead-mounted writing instrument.
And even if I made it through somehow, I wasn’t sure I’d be able
to accept.It would
depend on salary and working conditions, and that kind of stuff.And I had concerns about all of it.
But I did
like the idea of a government pension, and my phone wasn’t exactly
ringing off the hook…So
I showed up to take the test.
I had to park way down the street, because the parking lot was full.And after I hoofed it to the front door of this place, a
completely humorless man, with an air of Secret Service about him,
demanded to see my identification.He took my license, carefully compared the picture to my real
face, asked me a few trip-em-up questions, and reluctantly allowed
me entry.
What in the ever-lovin’ crap??
Inside was a sea of people, a huge room (where they probably played
Bingo the night before) just loaded up with humanity.Everyone was seated quietly and nervously behind long folding
tables, and I was ordered
to sit between a large black woman and a guy who was bald but
couldn’t accept it.
I made a friendly good-natured joke when I sat down, but nobody
laughed or responded.And
an unseen woman hollered through an amplification device:“NO TALKING!”Sweet
Jesus…
Self-conscious, I surveyed the crowd.I was worried I’d be the oldest person there, and everybody
would be thinking, “Shit, what happened to that
guy?How sad.”But I was relieved to see at least a dozen folks who were
much older than me, and plenty who were roughly my age.
But most were young.In
fact, I noticed the guy across from wrote his birth date as 1987.Hell, by that time I was well on my way to burnout.When that dude was coming down the exit ramp, I’d already
been through a long-term relationship, taken a drunk-driving test,
and humiliated myself by farting like an ocean liner during sex.
The amplified woman, who I never actually saw, gave us our
directions, and eventually the test was underway.The pamphlet I’d received in the mail said it would take
approximately three hours.Holy
shit, that’s almost as long as a Keith Emerson keyboard solo…
But whatever.I was
fairly certain I’d score high on this bastard.I don’t like to pat myself on the beefback, but I have a
natural ability for taking big standardized tests.For whatever reason, I always do remarkably well on ‘em.I understand the little tricks they try to pull, have a
talent for narrowing down the options if I don’t know the answer,
and almost always come out looking smarter than I really am.
There were six or eight sections, and a lot of it had to do with
comparing columns of information, and recognizing tiny differences.At the end, however, there were roughly 200 questions along
the lines of “How would you rate your ability for working well
under pressure?”Is
there a correct answer for something like that?And who would admit to a tendency toward buckling,
uncontrollable sobbing, and thumb-sucking?
Needless to say, the same questions were asked over and over again,
with different wording.Part
of the trick is to be consistent...So, I was paying close attention to that, and felt confident
until I hit those self-evaluation questions near the end.I knew there was more to it than just taking our answers at
face-value; nobody’s going to volunteer negative information about
themselves.But what the
hell was it about?!
I answered every question on the test, and estimated my score in the
93 to 95% range.The
woman to my left breathed heavily during the entire 150 minutes I
was there, erased repeatedly (while holding her pencil like a tennis
racket) and tore a big hole in her paper.I don’t believe she finished a single section.Combover seemed to do a little better, but was sweating
profusely.And I
couldn’t get a reading on ol’ 1987.
When I finally finished, and left the Great Hall of Perogies, or
whatever it was called, I made a beeline for the pee-catchers.There was already a guy shoved up against one, and he said:
“I think part of the test is to see how long we can hold our
piss.”
And that was a long time ago.Amplified
Voice (Oz) told us we’d receive our scores in roughly three weeks,
but we passed the three week mark five or six weeks ago.Again, I nearly forgot about the whole thing…Maybe my score got lost in the mail?I didn’t know.
Then yesterday it came.And
when I ripped open the envelope, I about shit straight the flooring,
the sub-flooring, and the basement.83?!I scored an
83!?No freaking way.What am I, a victim of time-released retardation??The form says my current status is “Eligible.”But 83??
Those 200 questions did me in, I just know it.What was it all about?!My
right hand went whipping
through my hair.
Eager to find an answer, I came across this forum where a bunch of
people are bitching (and bitching some more) about getting low
scores on the Postal Exam.88
seems to be the highest anyone ever receives? Is that correct?Do you know anything about this?
Because I’m very concerned.
Let me know what you know.And
if you have any stories to tell about pre-employment tests and the
like, I’d like to hear those as well.Use the comments link below.
Here's something new and good
from our old friend Buck. And I’ll see you folks tomorrow.
