Guitar Hero,
death and ground beef, Smoking Fish caps, and so on
--The Secrets received Guitar Hero for Christmas, some big
mondo set from Sam’s Club that included two guitars etc., and it
was all good fun in the beginning.Now?Not so much.
I’m no expert, of course, but it seems like the early songs, the
easiest songs(?), are good.And the later, harder ones are soul-crushingly bad.
It started out with ZZ Top, and Pat Benatar, and Foghat, and that
sort of thing.(Life was so much simpler then…)But now that they’re getting better and advancing through
the ranks, it’s godawful “progressive” rock, and music for
people who like math.
I walked through the living room yesterday and our oldest boy was
standing in front of the TV in a full-on trance, the fingers on his
left hand just going to town on some horrible
Emerson, Lake, and Palmer-like bullshit.
I was only in there for a few seconds, and thought I was going to go
insane. It
sounded like a symphony playing backwards, what goes on inside a
schizophrenic’s head, and merry-go-round music.
It makes me nervous that they’re even being exposed to such
crapola; violence and cursing is one thing, but Dream Theater is
quite another.All I can hope is we raised them with solid musical values,
and they’ll make the right decisions…
But I do
wish a special edition of that game would be released, for kids with
Appalachian blood in through their veins.Ya know?Like Fiddle Hero, or Washboard Hero, or Spoons Hero, or
Flattop Box Hero, or Jug Hero...That sort of thing.
Am I right?Of course I am.
--I talked to Steve yesterday, and he had a good story for us.
He said he stopped for lunch at a Five Guys in Harrisburg
a few days ago, and two extra-large female paramedics ordered after
him.While they were waiting for their food (fukkin yum), the EMTs’
pagers and walkie-talkies started going off all willy-nilly.
Through the chatter and the hollering, Steve was able to discern that a serious accident had just occurred on the interstate, and
these two Big Girls were being summoned to the scene.
But they didn’t have their burgers yet, so what to do?Steve said he stood and watched the women discuss at length
how to proceed (while somebody bled to death on the concrete?).They hollered back to the cook, asking how long it would be,
and the guy answered “Another minute!”
So one of the paramedics went out and pulled the ambulance up to the
front door, with lights flashing and the whole nine yards.And the other remained inside waiting for their sack o’
delicious.
Once the food was passed to her, she reportedly tucked it into the
crook or her elbow like a football, tore-ass out the door, leaped
over some decorative landscaping, and disappeared into the
already-moving and screaming ambulance.
Steve said they careened out of the parking lot, and past the front
of the restaurant.And as they went by, he could see the woman on the passenger
side unwrapping a cheeseburger.
--I spoke with the T-Shirt Lady on Thursday, and she said the
Smoking Fish caps will be ready by the end of this week.I’m very sorry about the delay, but I’ll get them in the
mail as soon as I possibly can.
And I ordered about fifty extra, so I’m going to be pushing those
bastards.Just a word of warning...
I appreciate your patience, I really do.
--Subscribers to our mailing list have been following an
amazing saga at a super-secret page of The West Virginia Surf
Report.I’m not going to send out another email about it, but
please note there is even
more news to report.So check it out, at the same address.
And if you’re not subscribed, you need to remedy that situation
right now, brutha.Sweet sainted mother of Danny O’Day!
--Over the weekend I stripped my iPod all the way down to the
gristle, and filled it with completely new stuff.I’m kinda lazy (go figure) when it comes to my mp3 player;
the thing was loaded with crap from two years ago, and getting kinda
stale.So I devoted a little time to iPod maintenance, and it feels
like all is right with the world again...
In case you should give a shitlet, I’ve now got every complete
Phil Hendrie Show from May 2000 on there, a ton of XTC, the latest
LCD Soundsystem, several You Am I discs (love ‘em!), the new Ray
Davies, two old albums by Shoes(!), a 2-disc ELO compilation (what
of it?), an underappreciated Drivin n Cryin record, The Jam’s
Greatest Hits, and a couple of other things I can’t now remember.
Like I say, all is right with the world.
--Before I call it a day here, I have a “song” that
Tammie
reportedly wrote for us.Well, the lyrics anyway…
Here it is:
BEER! BEER! BEER!!!
I LOVE TO DRINK MY BEER!
A SWIG OR TWO OR THREE OR TWENTY
IT WON'T BE ENOUGH OR IT MIGHT BE PLENTY!
BEER! BEER! BEER!!!!
BEER! BEER! BEER!!!!
I NEED A
LOT
OF BEER!
HEINEKEN, BUDWEISER OR U.F.O...
SAM ADAMS,
CORONA
,STRONG OR MELLOW...
BEER! BEER! BEER!!!!
BEER! BEER! BEER!!!!
I ENJOY MY BEER!
OUT OF THE BOTTLE OR OUT OF A MUG!
I DRINK IT AND GIVE EVERYONE A HUG!
BEER! BEER! BEER!!!!
BEER! BEER! BEER!!!!
I HAVE FUN WITH BEER!
IT MAKES ME LAUGH, IT MAKES ME GLAD!
IT MAKES ME NAKED AND THAT CAN BE BAD!
BEER! BEER! BEER!!!!
BEER! BEER! BEER!!!!
I PLAN TO DRINK SOME BEER!
I'LL RUN NAKED THROUGH MY YARD!
YELLING AND SCREAMING LIKE A BIG RETARD!
BEER! BEER! BEER!!!!
I’m sorry, I’m getting a little emotional here…Thanks Tammie, for your efforts on our behalf.Now we need an mp3 of you singing it.After a few beers, of course.
--And I’m going to eat a Marie Callender’s frozen meal,
iron a shirt, and drag my riffled ass to work.
I’ll leave you now with a simple Question of the Day:What was your first car?And, of course, what are your most vivid memories of it?
I don’t have time to go into any memories (ahem) today, but my
first car was a 1971 Nova, purchased from my aunt and uncle for
$1000, in 1980 or so.The thing looked redneck badass, with Cragar wheels and
metal-flake paint.Oh yeah…I can still feel the wind blowing through my Gabe Kaplan
hair…
