In the spring of 1971 Josh Frame was standing on the berm of Easy Street.  He was freshly graduated from Stanford University, was seriously dating the head cheerleader from his old high school, and had job offers pouring in like junk mail.  His parents couldn't stop talking about him.  Josh's pictures hung all over the house, even on the front porch.  Their son was a success and his potential seemed unlimited.

Since graduating from Stanford, Josh has lost sixteen jobs, one cheerleader, two waitresses, and his right to possess charge cards.  He has gained a wife, a '74 Scamp, three kids, and weight.  His parents now live in another time zone and claim they are childless.

What caused the downfall of Josh Frame?  It was obviously not his academic performance.  He maintained a 3.5 grade point average throughout college and gave his graduation speech in whale.  Neither does laziness appear to be a factor.  Josh last slept in 1974.  He fills his spare time by writing adventure novel trilogies (none of which have ever been published) and carving miniature Taj Mahals from single grains of rice.

Cy Johnson, owner of Cy's House of Swigs, a popular student hangout, believes college could be the culprit.  "I heard about these kids at USC who came up with a schedule of classes from which you not only learn nothing but some of the things you already know are cancelled out, making it possible to graduate knowing less than when you went in," said Johnson.

"College ruined him, it's as simple as that," agrees Bob Summerhoame, Frame's high school guitar teacher.  "College provides a person with one thing:  confidence when the conversation turns thoughtful.  When a person who hasn't the capacity to be thoughtful attempts to speak like an intellectual, he appears even more shallow than he really is.  You couldn't graft a Stratalounger on Henry Kissinger's back and expect people to believe it just grew there."

While the reasons are arguable, the facts are clear.  When Frame was "let go" by Amway last month it marked the sixteenth job he has lost since 1971.  Some of the principal employers were:  Rosa's Hair Bank, Crowns R Us, Bill's Amphibious Formal Wear, and Mutton Reef.  With only a few exceptions all employers dismissed Frame within a month of hiring.  Each time incompetence was cited.

"Josh Frame has no sense," said one former employer.  "His mind is full of facts and techniques but he doesn't know how to use them, so they're of no benefit -- unless he decides to go on "Dreamhouse" or something.  You know you can teach some people five languages but they won't understand the movie "Airplane."

Josh Frame currently has both feet on the ground -- as far as the financial ladder is concerned.  The city has erected a section of bleacher in front of his house to provide debtors a place to sit.  Josh's wife Gerth, has been forced to sell one of her most cherished possessions, her right kidney.  Josh sometimes rents out family snapshots to rich compulsive liars.

"It's the kids that really suffer," says Mrs. Realbuck, a neighbor of the Frames.  "Josh charges them to listen to the stories he tells about the old days.  And they gave them Sears catalogs for Christmas."

Josh Frame has certainly not lived up to the expectations of his peers but that doesn't seem to discourage him or his family.  He reads constantly and lately has even dug out some of his old college textbooks.  "He's thinking of going back," says Gerth Frame, beaming.

Determining an unborn baby's sex

Immediately after the wife announces, turtle-faced, to the husband, "We're going to have a baby," the suspense starts.  Boy or girl.  Oh I hope it's a boy, but a girl would be nice too.  Oh, you know it really doesn't matter.  Boy or girl.  Nine months of boy or girl.

It has been this way since the world's second child was due (the first time around it was boy or girl or bookends or haddock etc.).  It seems only natural that couples desire to eliminate this suspense.  Collected here are ten of the most reliable sex-determining tests known today.

--  Place the mother-to-be behind a small fan.  Instruct her to sing into the back.  If a pre-established panel of judges believes she sounds like Bonnie Tyler the baby will be a boy.  If she sounds like Stevie Nicks, a girl.

--  During the third week of the sixth month of pregnancy the mother should randomly select any week day.  On that day watch The Price Is Right.  If a person from the original panel of four wins the showcase the child will be female.

--  With the pull tab from a Mountain Dew can, draw a large circle in the dirt.  (If no pull tab can be located, a simple shard of Skylab will do.)  The measurement across the circle's middle should be the exact same as the mother's height.  Draw a straight line through the center of the circle as shown:    

The mother and father should stand back to back at a point where the line crosses the circle.  They should then begin walking in opposite directions, following the course of the circle.  If they meet on the father's side the child will be a boy.  If they meet on the mother's side the child will be a girl.  Caution:  Do not attempt to cheat by quickening or slowing your walk.  It is important to keep a consistent steady pace.  If there is any tampering the child will most likely turn out to be a booger-eater.

--  Read erotic material to the mother's stomach.  If a very small lump forms, you can be assured the child will be a male.

--  If you can perform "Dueling Banjoes" with the child before birth you can feel sure the child will be a boy.  You can also expect a painful delivery.

--  Gently toss uncooked lima beans at the mother's stomach for six hours.  At the end of that period count the beans.  An odd number represents a female.  An even number, a male.  Note:  Do not count the beans as you throw them and do not perform the procedure for less than six hours.  This exercise works sometimes.

--  Have the mother hypnotized to believe she is a man.  Observe the manner in which she reacts to her enlarged stomach.  If she acts embarrassed and attempts to hide it by wearing loose clothing, the child will be female.  If she flaunts it by wearing no shirt, carrying around a can of Black Label, and talking "colorfully" to the neighbors, expect a boy.  If she farts the boy will be athletic.

--  Subscribe to Playboy, Playgirl, and the National Enquirer on the same day.  If Playboy shows up first the child will be a male.  If Playgirl arrives first the child will be female.  If the National Enquirer arrives first the child will be a rowdy drunken survivor of Atlantis who can communicate with Elvis through a coal garden.

--  If, while listening to music the mother notices the baby is kicking so hard that buttons are flying off her blouse, the child will be a Rockette.  (Probably female.)

--  Instruct the father to make a list containing, in his opinion, the ten greatest Americans of all time.  The child will be male if ex-Cubs manager Herman Franks appears at number five or above, a female if he appears at six or below.

--  Buy a plow horse and hitch it to a railing in your living room.  If the novelty of it wears thin within one month, the child will be male.

The View From Down Here

Welcome to Page Two.  We're sorry it took so long to get out.  The staff made an unannounced pilgrimage to the gravesite of Jack Cassidy setting us behind two weeks.  But I think we compensated for the delay by increasing our budget.  Page Two cost more to produce than "A Bridge Too Far."  I think the changes are apparent... Copies of Page One are still available for a stamp (please include neck size)...QUIZ FOR PAGE TWO:  Bernie Stowe?  The answer is on Page Three.  Please, no cheating!...TECHNICAL NOOZ:  This page is Soldier of Fortune bounced off a display of trial size slaw dressing (the glider was tragically lost in space, last seen hurtling end over end in orbit around one of the moons of Mars)...WHAT'S HAPPENIN' WITH OTTO:  On a recent trip to Florida's Disney World, Otto was physically removed from the "It's a Small World" ride, when he was discovered "making it" with one of the dolls.  "He was humping the daylights out of Miss Sweden," said one of the Disney Youth.  "Her low cut dress provoked me," said Otto...THE GUIDED TOUR BEGINS:  Before we begin please let me remind you to stay on the plastic and to please not touch anything.  Everything in the house is authentic and quite valuable...MUSIC NOOZ:  The West Virginia Surf Report Top Eleven goes as follows, 11.  Jeffrey Lee Pierce, Wildweed  10. Kinks, Arthur  9. Bruce Springsteen, The Wild, The Innocent, The E Street Shuffle  8. Translator, Translator  7. The Three O'Clock, Arrive Without Traveling  6. Midnight Oil, Red Sails in the Sunset  5. Talking Heads, Little Creatures  4. Paul Hyde and Payolas, Here's the World For Ya  3. Various, Enigma Variations   2. Zeitgeist, Translate Slowly  1. Robyn Hitchcock, Fegmania...BIZNESS NOOZ:  After nearly three years Ronco has risen from the ashes of bankruptcy with a new line of farm equipment.  Expected:  The Smokeless Hoe, Mr. Irrigation Pump, and a device that scrambles the egg while it's still in the chicken...JIMMY CARTER QUOTE:  1. "I make a bologna sandwich the old fashioned way, I earn it."  2. "Well, pleat my bag!  They canceled Arnie!" -- both 1975.

later on, Jeff             

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