CONTENTS FOR THE MEN’S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE

Three fat girls named Tricia, Daphne, and Charlotte.

PLAYBILL

When Tricia was in high school she once got hit by a dodge ball in second period gym. It bounced off in fifth period English.

DEAR PLAYBOY

Neighborhood kids used to invite Daphne to their birthday parties to play Pin the Tail on Fat.

PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS

Charlotte is forced to floss her back.

SPORTS

Tricia’s control-top panty hose were the victim of a hostile takeover.

MEN

Daphne’s dress size is one size larger during high tide.

WOMEN

Charlotte can shotgun cans of Spam.

ARTICLE

Tricia once tried bowling but the ball kept rolling back to her.

DEAR PLAYMATES

They say Daphne has a heart of gold. If that’s true then it’s safer than the Hope Diamond.

PLAYBOY FORUM

Charlotte’s boyfriend once said that seeing her in her underwear reminded him of the time his parents tried to gift wrap a drum kit.

PLAYBOY ADVISOR

Dear Playboy,

I recently met a very special girl at the office where I work. When we met she seemed like the perfect person - fun, intelligent, and cute. But when we started going out I found a different side of her, a side that will take advantage of your friendship and is only willing to take and never give. She asks to borrow things, knowing I will always say yes, and then never returns them. She makes me think she likes me and then avoids me. She’s driving me crazy. What should I do?

Name withheld.

Dear Name,

Your predicament reminds me of a fat lady I once knew in Calgary. She was so fat she had to wipe her ass on the spinning tire of an exercise bike.

ARTICLE

Whenever Tricia steps into a room, the air conditioner kicks on.

PLAYBOY INTERVIEW

Daphne’s gynecologist has to use a creeper, but has no place to hang a utility light.

PLAYMATE OF THE MONTH

Charlotte’s hair stylist uses scaffolding. She charges ten extra dollars when she wants to have her moles done.

PLAYBOY’S PARTY JOKES

When Tricia donates blood they use a keg tap.

PICTORIAL

Daphne wanted to buy a Volkswagen Rabbit but left the dealership when she found out they didn’t have a fitting room.

20 QUESTIONS

Whenever Charlotte changes clothes she has to pull the shades down in three rooms.

FAST FORWARD

Tricia was once sued by the school board when she turned a trampoline into a huge hammock.

PLAYBOY ON THE SCENE

Daphne was forced to have shower heads installed above her head, and pointing up from the floor.

An Open Letter from Otto

Readers,

Before I get started, I'd like to thank Jeff for allowing me this opportunity to react to the recent outburst of rabid curiosity and criticism directed my way. I find it ironic that in this country, supposedly founded on the basic concepts of freedom, I would be laughed at, ridiculed, and otherwise abused for an unusual yet completely legal practice such as the one I endorsed on a recent episode of Donahue. My "new" dietary philosophy is hardly a new one at all. It has been traced as far back as Biblical times and has had periodically recurring stretches of popularity ever since. Consider this simple question: does a lemon taste the same to every person? We would be naive to believe so. We have been programmed to know that lemons taste sour. But what is sour? Lemons are sour! That's right, it's a vicious circle. How are you to know that lemons to your next-door neighbor isn't chocolate cake to you? You don't. Therefore the items you have been taught not to eat, because they supposedly taste bad, could ultimately change your entire dietary routine, as they have mine.

In a nutshell, that is my argument. I hope its content will be pondered and in turn diffuse some of the hostility directed my way. I only want to enjoy my life.

Sincerely,

Otto Finigan

Shiteater

The View From Down Here

Howdy! Welcome to Page Seven. I hope you're enjoying it. We wanted to capture a certain feeling this time and was forced to go to great lengths to achieve it. Bittersweet memories of youth were re-lived, past un-pleasantries experienced again. It was a painful, yet ultimately invigorating, process. You see, when I was a mere tadpole growing up in WV, my Dad was a fireman and would have to be gone for twenty-four hour shifts. And when Dad wasn’t there things lost momentum and got a little boring. So my brother and I would break out some Funyuns and RC and start grooving to the cable channel. This was in the early seventies and there was only one cable channel. And it was a clock, a barometer, and a list of cowboy movies to be shown that week. The camera would slowly pan back and forth, continuously, until a cowboy movie came on. It was pure magic! With Page Seven I hoped to recreate some of itand somehow, I’m proud to say, I believe we’ve done it. Now let’s check in and see WHAT’S HAPPENIN’ WITH OTTO. Recently Otto was struck and dragged several miles by a huge farm reeper headed for market. Afterward, Otto cursed his luck. Now to the BIZNESS NOOZ: those of you who responded to the Surf Report/Hardcastle and McCormick weather vane offer should be pleased to know that the vanes have arrived are currently being processed for shipment. Now some LAUNDROMAT GRAFFITI: Downy thrashes! Now a WVSR PRODUCT ENDORSEMENT. Roach Motels work just fine for adult roaches but what about the kiddies? Youngsters need more than the promise of a good night's sleep to lure them to their death. That's why D-Con came up with The Roach Ferris Wheel. Little Tommy and Tammy Roach board the ride ready for the time of their life, not knowing they are sitting in buckets of eager poison. They go up but they never come down. Buy 'em! And finally it's time for SINGLES SURVIVAL. Need to thaw a seventeen pound tube of ground beef in twenty minutes? No problem! Run a tub of very hot water. Toss in the tube. Mount it and run in place. Not only will it thaw but you'll have all the gravy you can eat.

See ya at the beach, Jeff

P.S. - Page Eight will be the second installment of our most popular feature - The Surf Report Short Story Album. Look forward to it, or cough up phlegm in the throes of Black Lung.

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