Why are all Russian classrooms full of people with very red lips (as seen in the World Book Encyclopedia)?  The Kremlin isn't talking.  However, American scientists suspect "not enough gelatin."  Whatever the reason (and some say the battle will rage on for decades), it illustrates the fact that classrooms in any one given country are basically the same.  Even in America, where citizens value their individualism, one classroom will closely resemble the next.  Here's the breakdown:

1.  After bolting out of bed the Front Row Dweller amuses himself in front of the mirror with his Brando- "Coulda been a Kennedy" impression.  After blow-drying everything possible on his body, he takes a shower followed by another blow-drying session for that "right sheen."  He then applies the necessary bodily protectants, chooses something daring from his safe closet, and with a click of his heels, enters the eat shop.  "Veg-All pancakes, great!" says the Front Row Dweller as he meets the averages.  While in transit he harmonizes with the boys from Diesel and is generic.  After slowly applying the emergency brake he checks for flakes.  Bracketed by much academia-related luggage he enters the school in-search-of sports talk.  We all know it from there.

2.  The Front Left is almost exclusively female, very quiet or very loud girls, there is no middle ground.  They grew up reading Tiger Beat and Teen Bag, adoring the likes of Shaun Cassidy and Charles Nelson Reilly.  (They are nearly average, but possess a somewhat twisted outlook.)  They are very well dressed, but are never satisfied.  Their closets are often included in Gray Line packages.  The Front Left girls all live on campus -- even if they're still in high school.  Their boyfriends drink a lot of beer because they know they're supposed to.  And nothing liquid has been allowed to come out of their heads since puberty.

3. The Rear Left is a phenomenon of the American classroom.  The people there can range from "boys" who dress up as athletes and rock stars to bizarros with Meadow Gold t-shirts.  But they all have a common characteristic that connects them:  they think school blows trumpet.  Classrooms instantly transform them into luggage.  Out in the hall they are constantly in motion, alive and electric.  In class they're as dead as Elvis's mother.  The Rear Lefties, in an effort to spice up hell, create innovative ways to write "boring" and unusual perspectives on assignments.  For instance, term papers on Why the Chinese Never Sing the Blues.

4.  Trouble.  If you look one of these birds in the eye you'll be out pumping lead into dead animals in no time.  These guys operate on a different level than me and you.  They sometimes footnote their Ouija boards in term papers.  They count in base four and their knowledge of history is a little too uncanny.  Remember the guy that once shot a man just for snoring?  Guess where he sat in high school.  Remember those serious clowns that performed in the center ring?  Those clowns were scary.  Adolf Hitler insisted on sitting in the center.  Kenny Rogers performs in the round.  Nothing but trouble.

5.  The Right Front is a haven for the unfortunate.  Girls with one darkened lens, guys battling the Acne Chain Link Fence, women in their late forties.  And of course, Students (that's with a capital S).  They all gather before class and the Students loudly complain/ impress with homework horror stories.  When the teacher appears, however, the Right Front shuts down like a fan with too much souse in it.  At this point the Head Student takes over and represents the whole section.  The Head Student usually has that GQ look backed with a DQ personality.  He aids his fellow unfortunates by "answering" every question directed their way, and lead in some strategic head bobbing.

6.  The control center for smart aleck answers and sarcastic laughter.  The launch pad of soppy spit globs (the kind that splash, not stick).  And where men are men, and the first smeller is the feller.  Everybody has their favorite "Rear Right Story" and Rear Right legends have developed.  Can you remember where you were when you first heard about the boy that could stretch his lips all the way around the top of a standard Silver-Burdette school desk?  Did you know that the Burrowing Animal Circus and the Kornig Slaw Sling are products of the Rear Right?  Did you know that the Rear Right has some of the best seafood in the classroom?

7.  After bolting out of class the Back Row Dweller slams a swig on her lip and starts talking, pausing only to get it all red on the end.  The speed of her steps suggests that, while sitting in class, she was winding something.  Her speech proves that the "granddaddy of all cusswords" is in great shape for his age.  And she's wearing her favorite blouse, the one with Heart tour dates on the back.  The whole class silently follows her.  Down the hall, down the steps silently.  When she finally exits for Chuck the class erupts in "sports" talk.  We all know it from there.

The View From Down Here

Welcome to page one of the first issue of The West Virginia Surf Report.  The staff has been working 'round the clock since May of 1978 (stopping only when the Iranian hostages were released) to bring you this monumental moment in publishing history.  As you all know, this is the first time a magazine has been published using Process G.  Process G, of course, involves secretly clamping a large object (in this case a La-Z-Boy recliner) onto an operating satellite, thus altering the signal bounced off it.  So what you are actually reading is USA Today bounced off a chair.  Although we appreciate the parades, the fireworks, and the statues, what we want most of all is your acceptance of the product itself.  Why not write us a letter and tell us what you think.  And remember next month we're putting  a glider up there.  Now on to the regular stuff.  Here's the QUIZ FOR PAGE ONE.  The answer can be found on page two.  Good luck, and remember no cheating!  Question:  Is the mighty Iola embarrassed and if so, why?  Now let's check in and see WHAT'S HAPPENIN' WITH OTTO.  Otto's been kind of depressed lately.  He ordered a wooden hen off a Wendy's table and has yet to receive it.  He thinks he may have been taken.  Good luck, Otto!  The DAN JONES AVERAGE has been falling slightly.  The Andy Griffith Show has been holding steady at two despite weak color showings at 4:30.  David Letterman has shown a sharp decline in recent months.  Analysts recommend fresh writers.  Grass mowing has dipped slightly from this time last year.  The average:  $5.50 per yard.  Sleeping late is surprisingly up from last year.  Eleven-thirty is the current cut-off point.  Now on to MUSIC NOOZ.  The current West Virginia Surf Report Top Eleven:  11. The Boomtown Rats, In the Long Grass  10. Tom Verlaine, Cover  9. Dumptruck, D is for Dumptruck  8. The Steve Miller Band, Italian X-Rays  7. The Monkees, Head soundtrack  6. The Monochrome Set, Jacob's Ladder  5. David Johansen, Sweet Revenge  4. The Fuzztones, Lysergic Emanations  3. Nuggets Volume Four, Pop (part two)  2. Meat Puppets, Up On The Sun  1. The Dukes of Stratosphear, 25 O'clock.  There it is, a moment seized.  Please keep in mind that this list can change from day to day.  Tomorrow could see a new record rocketing up the chart and replacing Curt Kirkwood at number two.  That's a slight possibility, but I don't see anything dethroning the mighty Dukes at number one.  The Dukes play inventive, wacked out, enthusiastic power psych.  You'd never guess that these guys are really XTC.  GIVE 'EM YOUR BUSINESS department:  RHINO RECORDS  (1201 Olympic Blvd. Santa Monica, CA  90404).  Making great music that was overlooked or forgotten available again.  Some of the most enjoyable records I've ever heard.  Thanks!  SIGHTS N SOUNDS (4th Avenue, Huntington)  Gary is very well informed and stocks all the important alternative titles.  You could spend a thousand dollars in there.  BUDGET TAPES AND RECORDS (Kanawha City)  The Kanawha valley institution really does have the lowest prices and has a fairly wide selection, so long as your tastes don't get too far out.  Go in the daytime, when John's there.  CREEM MAGAZINE (Kroger's)  The only "prozine" with a sense of humor.  Each issue is fairly packed full of info.  And the writing is by far the gutsiest in rock today.  THE MORAL:  Things look different from down here.  Since it takes a lot longer to climb than fall, there's more time to think about things.  And if you go about it in the right way, thinking can be fun.  Obviously, I don't mean arguing-about- God-in-the-Pizza-Hut-so-everybody-can-hear thinking.  I mean refueling at the sanity station, looking at something and seeing more than is actually there.  If you keep your brain cells in single file all the time they're gonna revolt.  These guys need entertainment too.  Lighten up.  I believe it was Jimmy Carter who said, "I can watch Cecil B. DeMille's Ten Commandments in a container of Gunnoe's ham salad.

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