The View From Down Here

Howdy!  Welcome to Page Nine.  In case you haven't noticed, we're now broadcasting out of Atlanta.  That's right, we folded up the legs on the home office, tossed it in the trunk, and moved farther south. The glacier of comedy continues to inch its way down the globe towards its inevitable destiny as a pool of tasteless slush.  For those of you who argue that we've already arrived, please feel free to sample my rectal nectar.  OK, its time to check in and see WHAT'S HAPPENIN' WITH OTTO: Otto was recently pulled over by a city policeman in the busiest part of town.  It seems that he was peeling large sheets of dead skin off the back of his thighs and throwing them out of his sunroof.  The officer politely asked him not to do that anymore. Now a WVSR PRODUCT PLUG: Tired of the inflated beer prices at your local tavern? Could you do without the pressure to tip mediocre bar personnel, not to mention the overpowering scent of cheap cologne?  Then Your Video Drinking Buddy may be the answer to your prayers. Your Video Drinking Buddy is 120 minutes of interesting conversation, that becomes increasingly loud and disjointed as the evening progresses. Just pop in the cassette and pop open a cold one!  Watch for details on how to order in future pages of The WV Surf Report.  A FUN NIGHT OUT: take a fist full of well-worn dollar bills and stumble around the mall offering one to anyone who will let you smell their eyes. Try it, it's fun! Here's a REPRIMAND AT THE DONUT FACTORY: "Around here Johnson we live and die by our jelly...now go home!" .Now a WVSR ADJECTIVE REVIEW: Sure -- Confident, convinced, positive, certain, and undoubting.  Three stars. A LITTLE KNOWN FACT ABOUT LINCOLN: Abraham Lincoln was the first U.S. president to do math on a shovel. Now some OUTPATIENT ETIQUETTE: when at a formal dinner remember to wear your colostomy bag to the side on which your salad fork is placed, the left side. WE MADE IT UP FIRST: Gay Man Faxes AIDS Virus to Small Town Secretary! On a serious note, we are saddened to report the closing of The Northside Celibate Bakery. The independent company was slapped with a citation by the fire marshall for the third time this year, and was thereby forced to shut down operations. Apparently the bored bakers were producing too much product and had no place to store it. Fire officials reported thousands of dinner rolls piled high around. the hot water tank, and fire lanes blocked by mounds of unneeded croissants. We'll miss you guys. Also in the news, local protesters were successful in halting a Trachiatomy Patient Convention from taking place at The River Valley Convention Center. Activists were concerned that such a high concentration of electronic voice-boxes would stop the salmon from spawning. Another WE MADE IT UP FIRST: Lucille Ball Seen Riding Secretariat Along Ancient Parade Route! And before we leave, let's check in one more time and see WHAT'S HAPPENIN' WITH OTTO: During a recent visit to the dentist, Otto was embarrassed when the doctor refused to clean his teeth until his nurse ran down to NAPA and purchased a mud flap. Otto's dentist strongly suggested a tartar-control toothpaste.

See ya at the beach, Jeff

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