Terry Burns Phoenix, Arizona

Felt overriding guilt when he realized he liked the devil's solo best in "The Devil Went Down to Georgia." Forced himself to blink with shampoo in his hair. 1981.

Robert Brogan Houston, Texas

Took it personally when a storm left his area. Blew nose with paper towel. 1984.

Cam Steele Orlando, Florida

Failed to excite wife with taco flavored dog food idea. Opened Hi-C with one puncture. 1985.

Bobby Wolfe Eugene, Oregon

Overheard ex-girlfriend describe his sexual prowess as "have you ever had a Cheetoh fall in your lap?" Pouted. 1977.

Ronald Pleasants Reno, Nevada

Bought a riding blender but never used it. Began dotting his i's with state seals. 1981.

Larry Smith Ogden, Utah

Ridiculed at work for wearing horn-rimmed contact lenses. Broke off all relations with the people who did his sidewalk. 1982.

Earl Fortney Detroit, Michigan

Went to bathroom on humid day. Became flustered at having to "unwind" his underwear. Wore his shoes inside out. 1984.

Bethel King Chicago, Illinois

Left heat on accidentally. Activated package of forty Bounce fabric softeners. Turned closet into "mushy hole." Answered phone on first ring.

Rick Bailes Atlanta, Georgia

Could've swore he heard Dwight D. Eisenhower scream, "Yeah!" on the "Beatles Live at the Star Club in Hamburg, Germany 1962" album. Found out he was probably wrong. Held palm over vial of cinnamon. 1980.

David Bicknel Akron, Ohio

Called the Uncle Ben's Rice toll free information number, asked if there was life after death. Found out there isn't. Spun around until he got real dizzy. 1977.

Pine Fetty Raleigh, NC

Thought he was saying, "'Scuse me while I kiss this guy." Ate herself into a corner. 1979.

Paul Bostick Los Angeles, California

Found out      has nothing to do with Led Zeppelin. Pretended to own sheep. 1984.

John Cox Dunbar, WV

Bent the coil in his spiral notebook. Opened birthday presents with potato peeler. 1986.

John Whited New York, New York

Had head split open by pinball while walking in Manhattan. Unable to shake guilt of interfering in game. Went to grocery store hungry. 1986.

William Pritt Dayton, Ohio

Couldn't afford rattle for son. Taped Popsicle stick to full Roach Motel. Took a good honest look at himself. 1983.

"...you can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave."

The View From Down Here

Howdy! Welcome to Page Five. Hope you're enjoying it. Before we get started on the ending of this here thang I'd like to clarify something. It seems that The Surf Report central office was flooded with letters laced with comments de anti-Queen, in reaction to Page Four's Short Story Album. Let me assure you that the Surf Report does not, in any way, endorse the band Queen and apologizes to those readers who might've gotten the wrong impression from the piece. We now realize that the choice of "The Game" as the subject was potentially very damaging to the integrity of this publication. Again, we apologize. Now on to the regular stuff. First, let's check in and see WHAT'S HAPPENIN' WITH OTTO. Otto was recently injured while entering his bedroom. It seems that his mother was lurking in the darkness within. As Otto flicked on the light she flicked off a slice of his eye with a crisp pillow case. Otto isn't sure why, and he can't judge distance anymore. Poor, poor Otto. Now to the BIZNESS NOOZ: all readers who responded to the Surf Report/Hardcastle and McCormick weather vane offer should be pleased to know that the vanes have arrived are currently being processed for shipment. Now the QUIZ FOR PAGE FIVE. Howdy! Welcome to Page Five. Hope you're? The answer is on Page Six. Please, no cheating! Now some PHILOSOPHICAL TIDBITZ: if hair grew on the inside and organs were on the outside, would barbers drive BMW's? And would doctors be getting out of the business because they're "just tired of being on their feet all day long"? Here's some LAUNDROMAT GRAFFITI: Downy Rules! Now a WVSR PRODUCT ENDORSEMENT. Roach Motels work just fine for adult roaches but what about the kiddies? Youngsters need more than the promise of a good night's sleep to lure them to their death. That's why D-Con came up with The Roach Ferris Wheel. Little Tommy and Tammy Roach board the ride ready for the time of their life, not knowing they are sitting in buckets of eager poison. They go up but they never come down. Buy 'em! And finally it's time for SINGLES SURVIVAL. Need to thaw a seventeen pound tube of ground beef in twenty minutes? No problem! Run a tub of very hot water. Toss in the tube. Mount it and run in place. Not only will it thaw but you'll have all the gravy you can eat.

See ya at the beach, Jeff

P.S. -- Queen rocks.

An Open Letter From Otto

Readers,

Before I get started, I'd like to thank Jeff for allowing me this opportunity to react to the recent outburst of rabid curiosity and criticism directed my way. I find it ironic that in this country, supposedly founded on the basic concepts of freedom, I would be laughed at, ridiculed, and otherwise abused for an unusual yet completely legal practice such as the one I endorsed on a recent episode of Donahue. My "new" dietary philosophy is hardly a new one at all. It has been traced as far back as Biblical times and has had periodically recurring stretches of popularity ever since. Consider this simple question: does a lemon taste the same to every person? We would be naive to believe so. We have been programmed to know that lemons taste sour. But what is sour? Lemons are sour! That's right, it's a vicious circle. How are you to know that lemons to your next-door neighbor isn't chocolate cake to you? You don't. Therefore the items you have been taught not to eat, because they supposedly taste bad, could ultimately change your entire dietary routine, as they have mine.

In a nutshell, that is my argument. I hope its content will be pondered and in turn diffuse some of the hostility directed my way. I only want to enjoy my life.

Sincerely,

Otto Finigan
Shiteater

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