When Cy awoke the next afternoon there were three men standing on his porch. "We need to talk to you Cy. May we come in?" one said solemnly. The other two just looked at their feet.

"Cy we're very disturbed about this Larry Bird thing," he said. "Now we're not trying to influence you in any way. No, that's a decision only you can make. However, we want you to know that if you do decide to leave us that all us fellows are going to see to it that you're remembered as a hero. We even talked about maybe a statue or something."

On the way to the market Cy was stopped by an old lady pulling a grocery cart. "Do it Cy, be a man!" she hollered. "All us ladies down at the home would just die if something happened to Larry. We just looove him!"

By mid-afternoon Cy realized that most of the town knew about his date with the angel. And the tactful way in which they each asked him to please give up his life confused and sickened him.

This was unreal! Why was this thrust upon him? His self worth was dwindling by the minute. These people had known him his whole life. How could they turn on him? They didn't know that damn basketball player! Why? Why? Why?

On the eighth day Bobby the angel reentered Cy's life. Of course he never left. "Sorry I'm late, man. In heaven when you hit the snooze button the alarm doesn't come back on. "

"That's OK. I've come to a decision and I needed the extra time to arrive at it, " Cy said bravely. "I'm going to give up my place here on earth so that Larry Bird may live. That seems to be what everybody wants and if I had to bear the burden of his death my life would be a living hell anyway. So in the end it was an easy choice: heaven or hell. I'm choosing heaven."

"Wise choice dude, let's go," said Bobby as he sprouted a side car. Cy stepped in and they left.

Cy never got his statue. And when the finality of his death hit, some of the townspeople managed to feel a certain sadness. But when the Celtics won the championship that season they knew they had made the right decision.

The House Is Rockin' (With Domestic Problems)

Dear friends, what I am about to write is no ordinary exercise in prose. It is not only a true story but one that I am only now able to convey after nearly twenty years of taxing therapy. Some of the details are still very painful, so please forgive if you find I move along too quickly. But the fact that I can finally put pen to paper is a personal triumph that I hope you will share with me. 

The summer that I turned eleven my parents kept the promise they had made for years, they took me to Disneyland. It was a long trek from Michigan and my father cursed the faulty air conditioner the whole way. My mother sat beside him handing out rations of sandwiches, Kleenex, and other road luxuries. I remember those two days with much fondness. We were all giddy with the anticipation of seeing Disneyland, and we were very much a family. Probably for the last time. 

By the time we reached the Magic Kingdom, I was literally shaking with excitement. We were fresh from a good night's sleep in a local motel and we were dressed in the accepted tourist attire of the day. That is Bermuda shorts for me and Dad. And a cotton dress and Jackie O shades for Mom. And Disneyland was dazzling! 

But Mom had somehow failed to bring along film for her camera, a fact she agonized over from the moment she realized it in the parking lot. Dad assured her that film was sold in the park and that we could pick up a pack once inside, which we did. We entered a small Alpine-like structure that had a metal Kodak sign hanging outside and Mom proceeded to the counter. Dad waited by the door smoking a cigarette, leaving me to roam free amongst the Disney souvenirs. I marveled at the many different items emblazoned with Mickey Mouse's likeness. 

I'm not sure where I picked up the nasty habit of stealing, but that summer I had become a full-fledged thief. My friend Josh and I would make daily sojourns to the local drug store to look at magazines and often steal penny candy. We never got caught and it was alarmingly exciting.

That day in Disneyland I did what many small time crooks do -- I pushed my luck and got caught.  It was a Davy Crockett knife and I put it in my left front pocket. No sooner had I concealed the item than I felt four adult hands on my arms and shoulders. And they weren't my parent's hands. They were the hands of Disney and they weren't happy.

Friends, the events that followed are the source of my anxiety. I will describe them in less detail than is normally accepted, but as discussed earlier it is a necessity. I am still trying to come to terms with certain aspects of the day and to dwell on it for too long is excruciating. So again, I apologize.

I was whisked by golf cart to what appeared to be a building built into a hill. I was taken inside and strapped into a car not unlike those used on roller coasters. The car immediately began moving and proceeded through a black plywood door. Inside it was total darkness, and I was scared. .

I unwillingly proceeded down down down into the dank musty catacombs below Disneyland and was punished there.

My punishment began with a two hour seminar on the origin and importance of the word "it". "It's a Small Word" was presented by a bored Arab in front of a silent screen showing images of kids having fun at Disneyland.

When "it" ended my car lurched into action and I was taken to a different room. As I was leaving I thought I saw another kid entering behind me.

As it turned out the seminar was only an introduction to the many dark experiences I would encounter that day. An introduction to The Horrors of Bloodletting, The Slaughterhouse Experience, Senior Citizens Making Out, A Haircut Like Cubby's, Cashing a Check With No ID, The Raft to Pittsburgh, Palsy Town, The Hall of Failures, Paper cuts and Salt Water, TB Hospital, A Synthetic Heart Attack, Roy Discusses Nightly Emissions, The Dixieland Jazz Chamber, The Parasite Petting Zoo, Mole Removal, Men Kissing, Hatching Maggots, Harelips Eating Oats, Smelling a Woman Give Birth, Being Shunned By The Opposite Sex, Sniffing Maintenance Men, Registering For the Draft, Pumping Diesel, Wedgies at Church, Thomas Jefferson and The Slave Woman, Jogger Cheese, Balancing a Checkbook, Acne Chess, Celibate Lesbians, Getting Dogs Dizzy, Ringworms with Bad Direction, Nature's Softening Agents, and it ended with a film of Walt himself rifling through Annette's underwear drawer, drawing special attention to her sanitary belt.

Although in the last twenty years I have made it a point to avoid all Disney films and television programs, mine has been a Disney existence. And although I never stole again I never led a "normal" life either. Someday I hope to turn my day below Disneyland into a book, but I'd like to kiss a girl first.

I Know What I Want

"CITY OFFICIALS ANNOUNCED TODAY THAT THE ARCHITECTURAL CONTRACT FOR THE GRAND CENTRAL MALL PROJECT HAS BEEN AWARDED TO THE LOCAL FIRM R .H. MILLER AND ASSOCIATES. SEVERAL COMPANIES WERE UNDER CONSIDERATION INCLUDING THREE OUT OF STATE FIRMS. THE GRAND CENTRAL MALL IS SCHEDULED TO OPEN IN ABOUT TWO YEARS AND WILL COST AN ESTIMATED ONE HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS..."

Donald left his boss's office with his old buddy self-doubt riding piggy back. He had just been told that he would be participating in the mall project and he needed a good strong beer. Preferably a stout.

Donald was only two years past his college graduation and although he was 32 he felt like a child. Why do they do things like this? Couldn't they just leave him alone? He was reasonably happy at his corner desk at R.H. Miller designing elevator shafts and parking garages. Why must they challenge him? He knew he'd fuck it up.

When Donald was a teenager he accidentally killed a man, shattering what little self-confidence he had. He was on his third day at a fast-food restaurant and was given the chance to prepare burgers instead of mopping the dining-room. An elderly man ordered a double cheeseburger, hold the mayo. Donald forgot to hold the mayo and within minutes the man was dead.

<<back to index                                                                         continue>>