I’m old. I’m old, without the dick lengthening benefits of 40 years of gravity bearing down on my groin. Boobs sag, why not dicks? All I’m asking for is a dick that somewhat resembles Squidward’s nose. Is that too much to ask? I don’t care if it works – I just want to impress. 

On the days preceding my 40th birthday I made all sorts of resolutions. Like eat right, exercise, get another job, etc. Then I promptly began my birthday with a long drive to work munching on a couple of sausage McMuffins. 

I still pretty much act like an immature dickwad, and I drive faster than John Holmes on a manly ass. I’m going bald, but that started 15 years ago, or around the last time my wife gave me a blow job. I’m not in too shabby of physical condition, though I have been in much better shape, and I’m slightly depressed that I don’t look as good in a dress as I used to. 

I hate authority. Always have, always will. I don’t kiss ass. Never have, never will. Perhaps that explains why I have to commute 60+ miles a day for a state job. I’m an old man, driving an old car with over a quarter million miles on it. I don’t like old people. They scare me. They force me to think about death. I’d rather think about firm tits, winning the lottery, and various other things I will never experience. 

I miss drinking and driving. Sure it’s dangerous; stupid even. But there’s nothing like cruising down a two lane road in the evening with a beer bottle between your legs, friends alongside, a bag with “half a twelve” on the floorboard, and some good tunes blaring from the stereo. Not anymore. Now all I have to look forward to is being the prick waiting at home to interrogate my kids when they come in from a night of hanging with friends. 

I should be using this op-ed piece to convey the wisdom that being alive for over 14,000 days has brought to me. 14,000 sounds like a lot doesn’t it? And then I realize that, statistically speaking, I have less than that to go before it’s all over. And then I get a little nervous about the fact that I haven’t really accomplished anything. I haven’t learned to play the guitar. I haven’t learned a foreign language. I haven’t accumulated untold wealth. I haven’t been to Italy!!!

Read other heart-tugging Op-Ed's from Rocky!

Ninny Heaven
McDonald's
Hunting Season
My State Job

And tell him what you think. 

rocky26501@yahoo.com