March 4, 2004

I've had it with my grandma. While I love the woman, I think it's time to break the news to her that I am, in fact, an adult. For the longest time I couldn't quite exactly put my finger on what was really irritating about her. This week I finally discovered the truth. She still thinks I'm 5 years-old and gets her rocks off by trying to control my life.

For instance, every Tuesday I trudge on down to her house for our weekly lunches. This is just a time that we've both agreed to spend together. At any rate, the conversation usually drifts to me and when I may or may not get married. This week I informed her that Adam and I were in fact considering marriage. I thought this would make her happy but as usual it wasn't good enough. Instead of waiting for say maybe another year or two, she says it would be great if we could be hitched by this fall. This fall!! I told her I had no intentions of planning a wedding in a mere couple of months. Her reply: "Well, you don't have to have a big wedding. After all, you did put your cart before your horse, so you should just go the courthouse to get married." EXCUSE ME!! You would rather be right than see your only granddaughter walk down the aisle. After that I told her that she would not be needed in any future matrimonial decisions.

As if this wasn't enough, she called Monday to ask what I did over the weekend. I told her I had gone with a friend to look at wedding and bridesmaids dresses. She knows my friend is getting married this
summer. She laughed aloud and I know for a minute she thought I was looking at dresses for myself. What, may I ask, is funny about this?? How is this amusing to you??

She also frequently calls my house. Most of the time I don't answer the phone. She says she just wants to make sure I'm still alive because if I haven't talked to her in at least two days then something has obviously happened to me. She also swears that we just sit there and watch the phone ring when we see her number pop up on the caller ID. Well, of course we do, because if by some miracle we do pick up the phone, we know it'll involve a 30-minute conversation
about who died that week or what she ate for lunch and dinner. Sometimes I swear that I just want to punch her in the face and be done with it.

The condescending nature of my family never ceases to amaze me. Now I actually feel a twinge of remorse for making fun of my brother all the time, even though he mostly deserves it. While he was gone this weekend, I found cigarette butts on his window ledge. The little
fucker carved a hole out of the screen and smokes in his room and then pushes the butts through the hole. I walked out back and discovered that our backyard now looks like an ash tray. From now on, I think I'll just take a shit in his room and see how he likes it. I think that's comparable to the smells and sights I have to put up with after he smokes in the house.

This brings me to another gripe of mine. People who shit at work. Please do this in your own home as your co-workers do not want to smell your nasty ass. Each morning I go into the bathroom at around 9 or 10 o'clock and each morning it's infiltrated with the worst stink I think I have ever smelled. What's worse is I could understand a man creating a stink of this magnitude but this is a woman!! I'm not saying female shit doesn't stink because it does but most women attempt to employ some type of device to mask the odor i.e. turning on the fan or spraying some hairspray. Apparently this woman believes in neither of the aforementioned courtesies and I'm forced to deal with her stink each and every morning.

Has spring actually sprung in desolate Charleston, WV?? It's been an absolutely gorgeous week. Temperatures have actually reached the 70's on some days here. So why do I still see people walking around in their winter coats?? This continually annoys the piss out of me. It is not cold, it's not raining...why do you have your coat on?? These are
likely the same people who bitch about how cold it is in the fall. Get a life or move to Florida!! We don't live in a tropical climate so don't expect it to be 80 degrees every damn day!!

Here it is only March, almost a full month before Easter and I have already succumbed to Easter candy. Each year I travel the various Rite Aids and Wal-Marts searching for these marshmallow candies. They're not peeps but rather more like those circus peanut candies
in the shape of chicks and bunnies. I LOVE this candy. I'm positive no one else on earth has a taste for these things and I don't know why. They are so good. Given the choice I'd pick them over any old Snicker's or Milkyway bar. Having said that, I think I've been operating through the past week on a sugar buzz. I've forgotten what it's like to have so much sugar that you literally crash afterwards. I had gastric bypass surgery in June. Unfortunately I was not blessed with the intolerance to sugar most patients have. As a result, I can indulge from time to time but I fear I've taken it to the limit this time. These little chicks and bunnies have sucked me back in and now have a firm grasp on me. I can't wait until they're gone. As usual comments and criticisms can be e-mailed to randiwvu@yahoo.com Have a good one!!


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