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Living in
the Great Midwest
December 29, 2004 Man, the flu is a wicked bitch. I had no idea that the body held that much fluid, let alone that it had a valve that ordered it to be released all at once. Obviously, I won’t go into it… let’s just say that I am thinking of installing a second toilet should this occasion ever arise again. I am writing from a very weird place right now. My brain is about four feet above my body from the medicine. On top of that, my blood sugar is so low that my head is spinning like that of a professional wino. My wife has one of her Alfred Hitchcock movies on the television and the whole scene at my house is severely creeping me out. Peculiar movie scores teamed with long-dead hot chicks wearing those coney bras that look about as comfortable as a barbed-wire jock strap is not my idea of entertainment. It’s like a bad acid trip. I wouldn’t be surprised if Millard Fillmore himself burst through the door tap dancing any moment now. On occasion, a one-year old sticks her head between mine and the computer screen and tries to get me to eat a piece of popcorn. I haven’t been able to eat in a day and a half. Great, due to the combined efforts of Dr. Ivan Pavlov and a fifteen month old, I can no longer watch an Alfred Hitchcock flick or smell popcorn without wanting to vomit. It’s been that kind of week. I decide that it’s time to figure out exactly what I’m up against, so I go to good old Web MD. In my weakened condition, I was tricked into clicking on a thinly-veiled Google ad for FluMist. After several minutes of playing “influenza pac-man” and scoring a perfect 7 out of 7 on my “Flu IQ”, I decided to check and see if I knew the difference between the flu and a cold. Fever, headache, muscle aches, tiredness and weakness, extreme exhaustion, runny nose, sneezing, sore throat and cough were the categories compared and contrasted between a cold and the flu. As far as I could tell, the phrase, “doubled over in the bathroom for two days” never appears anywhere on the site. For a brief moment, the barely functioning logical portion of my brain kicks in and I think, “Just who in the hell is this website for anyway?” The product is a prescription intranasal influenza vaccine, yet they have a flash version of pac-man on their site. When you click on the game, a link to the full prescribing information is offered in the corner. Does anybody on this planet choose their flu vaccine by who has the best video game on their website? I also notice pictures of kids everywhere and cute little pieces of animation. Is this site aimed at pre-adolescents or something? And if so, have any of your children run up to you asking for a flu vaccine lately? I know, I know… An intranasal vaccine is ideal for people with kids because Johnny can get nostril-misted rather than jabbed with a needle, I get it. But shit… pac-man? It’s just too much for my highly-compromised brain to handle right now. I think I’m going to go ahead and call it quits for this week. I hope you can forgive me. Perhaps I can make it up to you with a link to a site that offers classic dirty jokes told between Russians and then badly translated into English? “Such girls fucks only with excellent pupils!” – Man, with the way I feel right now, I totally needed that. Love, Metten Comments to metten0@lycos.com
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