An Open Letter to Every Single Person in the Whole Entire World:

Yet again, every single person in the whole entire world, I was right and you were wrong. And once again, every single person in the whole entire world, you are eating crow. I imagine that the taste is bitter indeed. I would think that your continuous wrongness would put a stop to your near constant taking of positions adversarial to mine. However, like a stubborn child, you keep talking and I keep being right.

Remember, every single person in the whole entire world, when you told me that I’d never get laid? I’ve got two kids that say otherwise. Don’t forget, every single person in the whole entire world, the time that you told me that I’d never amount to anything. I make over fifteen dollars an hour, make payments toward owning my own home and recently was given a letter of award from a National literary organization. Namely the Publishers’ Clearinghouse.

So did you think for a moment, every single person in the whole entire world, that I would succumb to your wishes when you told me that I needed to lose weight and cut out the liquor and cigarettes? That I should “mix in a salad once-in-a-while and point myself in the direction of a treadmill”, as you put it? I considered your record of wrongitude and decided to sit on my giant ass and wait for another solution to present itself.

Enter Rimonabant and IN YOUR FACE, EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD!!! That’s right. It’s a pill that makes you stop eating and smoking and drinking and banging heroin and freebasing and taking giant bong hits after school. And if somebody should happen to put a gun to your head and make you take giant bong hits after school, Rimonabant will keep you from getting the munchies! You couldn’t have been more wrong on this one, every single person in the whole entire world!

Here’s more proof:

“’I think it's going to have a big impact on the treatment of addiction,’ said Dr. Charles O'Brien, an addiction expert at the University of Pennsylvania and the Philadelphia Veterans Affairs Medical Center. Animal studies suggest Rimonabant can block the effects of marijuana and fight relapse in alcohol and cocaine abuse, he said. Once it is approved for treating obesity or smoking, ‘we'll be free to study it in these other areas and I'll try to get my hands on it as quickly as possible.’”

First, foremost and of greatest importance, this report lends credence to the idea that somewhere in the world, there is a room where people in long white coats hang out with monkeys who smoke weed. You got that, every single person in the whole entire world? Whenever somebody tells you that our Earth is a terrible place, you tell them that there is a building in which six monkeys share a huka while being observed by people in lab outfits – and a planet that has that can’t be all bad. Take it from somebody who’s right every once-in-a-while.

This stuff is going to be on the market in this country in less than two years. That means I’ve got two years to get it all out of my system. Two years of eating on the couch while smoking whatever I want and pounding bottle after bottle of corn liquor. Then it’s Rimonabant to the rescue! Not only will I no longer be a worthless drunk, I will have slimmed down and quit smoking. I don’t even know why you bother, every single person in the whole entire world, you’re always wrong.

I look forward to your formal and written letter of apology.

Love,

JRM

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