| Clean
Living in
the Great Midwest
June 30, 2005 So the BTK has decided to put on his shiniest white suit, plead guilty and talk at length about how he methodically planned and carried out the imprisonment, torture and murder of at least 10 people in the Topeka, Kansas area. Freakin’ wonderful. Seeing as how I live just across the border from the state in which Topeka is located, and considering the fact that I once visited Topeka, I felt that I was expert enough to cover the event for the Surf Report. The whole situation got worse when I found out that the guy was working as a low-level, local-government weasel at the time of his arrest. Guess what? I currently work as a low-level, local government weasel. I don’t do the same job that he did, but it’s close enough. Not only do I have to listen to him casually talk about strangling a woman while her children cried from behind the locked bathroom door, but now I have to listen to people joke, “Hey, you’re not a mass-murderer are you?” Now I know why those guys at the post office get so pissed off at the phrase ‘going postal’. After being hit with 24-hour round-the-clock coverage of this guy and his shitty salt and pepper goatee, I can say without the slightest bit of doubt in my mind that this guy is a first-class sack of shit. If he spent all of eternity getting his testicles slowly run over by Satan’s personal steamroller it would be too good for him. He deserves to be killed in the slowest and most painful way possible…we’re talking pocketknives and bic lighters here. The short of it is that this is one of the worst guys to ever walk the planet and he deserves to die. But he won’t – at least he won’t be killed in some state-sponsored event anyway, and people around here are pretty pissed off about it. As I’m sure you know by now, the guy did all of his murdering during a period in which the state of Kansas had no death penalty. So he gets to kill 10 people and then spend the rest of his days smoking cigarettes, stamping license plates and engaging in felon-love rather than taking the needle. I have no intention of turning this into a debate on the death penalty (or a humor column for that matter); however, I do think that if we’re not going to put the guy down, we should put him to good use. I have no doubt that there are good and decent human beings out there that could use one of his lungs. Perhaps one of my drinking buddies could use a kidney…he pretended to be a church goin’ guy, I’ll bet his kidneys are in great shape. Somebody needs to scrub the nuclear reactors around here. Why not BTK? Seriously, what did a canary ever do to anyone? If you want to know whether or not it’s safe to go down into the coal mine just send your old buddy BTK down first. Those bomb-detecting robots they use in Iraq are expensive and paid for with taxpayer dollars. Keep the robot on the bench and send in BTK! “Uh, hello? Anybody here?” Boom!!! There are all sorts of uses for a guy like BTK. We could have a lot of fun with it too. Let’s get a camera crew with flak jackets and a telephoto lens and make a reality show out of it. Vegas could even get involved, “10 to 1 odds today that BTK will be able to clean the shit out of the tiger den at the zoo without being completely disemboweled. Although the fact that one of his lungs was recently removed and given to a real person ought to slow him down considerably.” All profits go to the families of the victims. That would be sweet. Yes, I’m aware that most of this article was very close to the plot of The Running Man and most likely a lot of other stories (i.e. using convicts for all sorts of projects that are otherwise out of bounds), but in all seriousness – through the job I do and the things I have seen, I have become almost completely desensitized to all sights, sounds and smells. Seeing video of this man talk about what he did made me physically ill, and it caused me to realize that there is no such thing as justice. And that’s just not fucking funny. Love, metten Comments to metten0@lycos.com |
