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Living in
the Great Midwest
June 16, 2005 Do you know who I hate? Pirates. That’s right…pirates. Let it be known once and for all that these were bad, villainous, murderous and raperous people. Their purpose in life was to board your ship, help themselves to anything of value, savagely rape whomever they wanted and then discuss whether they wanted to kill everyone and take the ship, or set the ship on fire, jump back on their own vessel and sail away. Today, the marketing tool of the pirate image is responsible for millions of dollars in revenue every year in this country. I wonder what these guys would think about their badass image (originally designed to strike fear in the heart of any man whom they encountered) being turned into a cute little cartoon for the purpose of hawking overly-salted deep-fried fish sandwiches. My kids watch a show full of dancing Aussies in solid-colored shirts who take turns worshipping “A friendly pirate”. What…the…fuck? If the pirate doesn’t thieve, rape, plunder or pillage…they cease to be a pirate – hence the word “piracy”. There is no such thing as a friendly pirate!! Why in the holy hell is this image appealing to people? Apparently time does heal all wounds. I mean, seriously, when was the last time somebody walked into Long John Silver’s and said, “I really don’t appreciate this. You people couldn’t be more insensitive!! My great-great grandparents were killed by pirates!!” It does make me wonder a little bit about what the future holds. I imagine somewhere around a hundred years from now some entrepreneur will open a chicken shack staffed entirely by men dressed as Hitler. We will have completely forgotten about the six million innocent souls that were gassed under his rule and the only thing left in this memory’s place will be a cute little man with a tiny little moustache and a bad comb-over…fryin’ up chicken. Maybe in the future we can get some Klansmen to dance around on television in support of the new neighborhood daycare. Or 150 years from now we could create cute little caricatures of the Crips and Bloods to help us sell insurance. I just don’t get it…but I do have to admit that it is kind of fun to go, “aaahhhhhrrrgggg!!!” every once in a while. On a completely unrelated note… I have a fear of heroic proportion that my children’s first memory will be of me doing something colossally stupid. They are getting to the age where they’re going to start remembering stuff forever (the boy is 3 and the girl is 1.5). I’m going to feel kinda bad if they end up lying on a couch somewhere telling a psychiatrist that their first memory is of their dad blowing himself up after pouring lighter fluid on already burning charcoal or taking a leak in the fireplace after a night of drinking or something of that nature. I’m starting to get paranoid about it. Tell me, is this how grown-ups become grown-ups? I know this is short but I’m trying to ease back into things since my absence. Thanks a shitload to Jeff Kay for letting me take a couple of weeks off. I absolutely love writing this column and I’m not sure what I would do without it. Plus, the pay is sweet. See you next week. Love, metten Comments to metten0@lycos.com |
