I was going back through previous “articles” that I had written and then somehow convinced Mr. Kay to post and I realized something about myself…I’m a little bitch. All I do is fucking complain: I’ve got the flu, I can’t get published, somebody took away the dingdongs in the vending machine at work and I don’t know how I’m going to keep my ass as fat as it is, my job sucks, prescription drugs cost too much, my pants smell funny, I’ve got writer’s block…

Christ on a mechanical bull! It never ends!! Buck is hanging out over there on Thursday kicking ass, taking names and then shoving their leftovers into his basement freezer while I sit on the sideline tending to my injured vagina. I gotta get shit rolling toward the positive side of life.

What’s the number one positive in my life right now? Aside form the obvious facts that the people who I love are healthy and generally happy and that we all have food to eat, I would say that getting to stay home today because of my cushy government job is at the top of the list (President’s Day kicks ass).

I started the day by sending my own little secrets to daycare and then going back to bed. After a while, I woke up thoroughly rested and worked for a few hours on a couple of writing projects. After a video game or two I jumped on the Internet and checked various e-mail accounts and cursed Jeff Kay for not updating (stupid President’s Day). Then I had a light lunch and…Okay, I’ll stop with the play-by-play. The point is two fold. First, I got to hang out and accomplish jack shit for one day, and that was sweet. Second, I eventually got really bored and somehow ended up in a chat room.

I’m not really sure how it happened, all I know is that it wasn’t totally on purpose – but I also didn’t accidentally click on a pop-up or something that would have caused me to get mainlined into a chat room against my will. I have no explanation except that I just suddenly found myself there. Now this was the first time that I had been in a chat room for quite a while and things have changed drastically. I felt like Phil Hartman from the “Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer” SNL skit. Back in my day, the only thing that happened in chat rooms was fifty naïve guys hitting on one guy in Annapolis, MD who was posing as a woman. Today, there were tons of people, unknown voices screaming through my speakers, a million webcams and apparently machines that engage you in instant message conversation so that they might lure you toward their owners’ pornography. What a glorious future this is. I pictured flying cars…instead I get porn robots. I guess we’ll call it a wash.

The following is an actual conversation that I had with one such robot early in my chat room experience:

kris_21kd: whats up?

metten: Nothin'. Who are you?

kris_21kd: i'm pretty horny today

metten: Great. Wanna play checkers?

kris_21kd: i'm 21/f

metten: That's incredible...I'm a barbershop sextet director as well as an evil scientist bent on world domination.

kris_21kd: few days ago i set up a webcam. do you want to see me on it?

metten: Only if you send me a cheese and jello pizza in the mail.

kris_21kd: here http://kris.o-communitae.stripper [and yes, I did change the URL – I’m not gonna get blamed for you getting fired]

metten: That's wonderful Kris. I'll expect my pizza in two or three business days.

kris_21kd: it's free

metten: The Pizza or the cam-whore show?

kris_21kd: i'll wait for you

metten: Okay, but I better get my pizza.

kris_21kd: first register free please

After that she quit talking to me. Maybe she went to go fix her shift key. Or maybe she had some important cam-whore meeting to go to. Or I suppose it is possible that she immediately stopped what she was doing and went to make me a pizza. If that’s the case, I’ll feel totally bad because I never even went to her site, much less “register free please”.

What a wonderful world we live in. I need to take more time to appreciate it – and with the online, holographic and hands-on masturbatory aides that the porn industry is undoubtedly working on, things can only get better. And let me tell you, it feels good to be so positive.

Love,

metten