Shake Hands With
Beef! October 29, 2007 I'm
going to shelve my incredibly bizarre dream sequence (starring Scatman
Crothers!) I had planned for my next offering and chime in on Buck's highly
scarring topic of junior high showers. This began as a Haloscan entry, but
quickly grew into a full blown column the more I reminisced. (I
know…it's about fucking time.) My
pops was a basketball coach and I had seen my fair share of swinging dicks in
the locker room, so I had been desensitized to the noodification of it all.
However, I was in 6th grade in There
was a young brother named Heath who was a good athlete and excelled in all the
PE activities (especially dodgeball,) but that wasn't all he had going for him.
On the first quasi-mandatory shower day, Heath dropped his jock, threw a towel
over his shoulder & paraded through the locker room showcasing a very
impressive uncircumcised work of God. The thing looked like a summer sausage as
it slapped from thigh to thigh attracting many looks and much gravity. Now
I had been 'exposed'
to such things over my 12 years as a basketball coach's son, but many
of my pale comrades had not. This was 1980 in the South, and there was still a
division between races, and for many another difference was realized. Slack
jaws and bug eyes were in abundance amongst the pasty contingent…yes, it was a
rude lesson in the ways of the world for many that day, the rumors were true.
Then as Heath and his Duraflame log disappeared into the fog of the showers,
you could sense attention shifting back to one selves, the harsh reality that
many frightened albino turtles would soon be required to join in on the schlong
parade. I
can only imagine the horrific sense of fear and intimidation many in the
Caucasian nation must have felt that day. Not only had Heath left a welt with
the pattern of a 4-square ball on your milky thigh earlier that day, but now he
would further demoralize you by waggling his savage jungle wiener in your face.
The humanity!! There your tighty whiteys housed a Vienna sausage perched upon a
hairless walnut, and soon everyone would know. Perhaps even
when you disrobed, all the nude pubescents would huddle around you, point at
your unimpressive package and laugh aloud, their junk bouncing up and down at
each guffaw seemingly mocking you. Oh, there were many deer frozen in the
headlights of the Wienermobile
on that day. I
sensed the disturbance in the force and realized I should somehow
intervene….by showing my dick. I was
fairly popular and well-liked across the board among my peers, so perhaps my
genitals could serve as a bridge between black and white, pubes vs non-pubes…an
everyman's penis if you will (I really don't like the way
that sounds.) Now I was a far cry from Rocco
Seffredi,
in fact, I was what coaches might refer to as a "late bloomer" and
was still pretty early on in the maturation process. As I said, I had been
desensitized to the whole process, so I had little reservation displaying my
bald soldier and marching to the showers. I
guess it worked to a certain degree. The showers began to take on a few more
freshly freed penises in various stages of development…dongs, stubbies, peters,
wangs…it was all good. If my actions on that day were enough to liberate one, just
one penis out of its cotton prison and give the owner a shot of
confidence, then my mission was accomplished. Over time the others became
desensitized as well, even to the degree that a perverted form of origami began
to develop, featuring such offerings as "the fruit basket," "the
Elvis," "the foldover," "the snail," and so on. Now,
don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to undersell the dick. When it comes to the
fairer sex, it's all about the dick. The hygiene, the posturing, the sell, the
presentation, the appearance, the performance…all of these revolve around the
magic wand. The penis has the power to overpower the brain and cause men to
accomplish incredible feats of stupidity. It can make women convulse, scream
your (or someone else's) name aloud, and see visions of God when used
properly...and if you can do that, then brother, that's one powerful tool.
However, as a heterosexual male, I guess the difference is that around women,
the penis has the potential to be an almighty thing that can bring intense
pleasure to all parties involved. But, when you're in locker room changing
clothes and showering around a bunch of other dudes, it's just a dick. And
ladies, you are free to enjoy my column whenever you want... Best
Regards, Antonio
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