Review: KFC Famous Bowl by Jeff
like to mix my food together, I’m that kind of guy.
Even as a kid I’d routinely shove everything into the middle of
the plate, and toss it like a salad. It
made for an unpredictable and often delicious surprise, and it’s
something I do to this day. I’m
a natural born mixer.
My brother, on the other hand, would see this happening and react like
he was viewing grisly crime scene photographs; he’d literally recoil
in horror. My brother is the type
who requires at least an inch-wide barrier between every item on his
plate. If, through some unforeseen
series of events, a green bean would happen to come in contact with the
gravy, everything was ruined. May
as well just toss it all in the garbage, ballgame’s over.
I also had an uncle who’d become physically ill if someone put cream
in their coffee and didn’t stir it right away.
He’d sit there with beads of sweat popping out on his forehead,
then finally crack beneath the pressure: “Stir it! For the love of all
that’s holy, stir your coffee!!”
But that doesn’t really have anything to do with this.
When we began seeing TV ads for the so-called KFC “Famous Bowl,”
which was reportedly a mixture of mashed potatoes, gravy, corn, cheese,
and chicken, I thought: yum.
At the same time my wife’s lower jaw would retract, and she’d
holler, “Damn, that’s disgusting!
I wouldn’t feed that slop to a starving dog.
…Is this Comedy Central??” I
guess I’m in a mixed-marriage?
That’s been several months, and I never found myself in a situation
where I was able to sample that delicious-looking bowl of “slop.”
There are only two known KFCs in our area, and both are pretty
far off the beaten path. They’re
in parts of town you only visit when, say, you need your propane tank
filled, or an emergency window-tinting.
Plus, as detailed in the review here,
I’m not really a huge fan of the former Kentucky
Fried Chicken, and never felt a strong urge to seek one out.
I had a vague interest in their “bowl,” but not enough to put
forth any actual effort in purchasing one.
I wanted one, but not enough to work for it.
Until last week, that is. For
reasons unknown, KFC appears to be advertising their Famous Bowl as a
brand new menu item again, and this time they got me.
I was out running errands one day, and the commercial suddenly
began playing inside my head. Without
realizing what was happening, I’d whipped the steering wheel violently
to the right and was headed for Tintsville.
I was under the impression there are now two
bowls: one with chicken on the top, and another with country fried
steak, or somesuch. But the KFC
only offered the chicken variety. Not
a problem, since I’d planned on going with the classic version anyway,
but where’d I get such a notion? Had
I dreamed it? Sweet Jesus, please
tell me I wasn’t dreaming about steak bowls….
A surly teenage girl, wearing the expression of someone smelling turds,
passed my lunch to me through a window and thoughtfully included a
packet containing a napkin and a spork. I
peeked into the sack with anticipation, and the plastic dome over the
bowl was fogged-up and dripping with the condensation of brown gravy.
When I got home our dog Andy sniffed the bag of food I was carrying, and
his eyes almost popped out of his head. I’d
never seen such a reaction from that hound.
He began whimpering and turning tight circles in the middle of
the floor…. I hoped he
wouldn’t just say screw it, give in to the chicken frenzy, and make a
leap for my throat.
But he was right, that thing was putting off one helluva beautiful
aroma, and I couldn’t wait to get at it.
I sat down at the dining room table, broke the seal on my cutlery
bag, and lifted the dome off my lunch.
And before you click the link to see the photograph of what was
contained within, please take a second to review the KFC website
representation of the Famous Bowl at the top of this column.
See it? Now look at this.
My stomach sank. It appeared to
have already been eaten at least once. It
looked like a pipin’ hot bowl of vomit.
But, of course, I ate it anyway. And
it was good, really good. The
chicken was tender and tasty, not the kind with the hard breading that
tears holes in your gums, or anything like that.
The gravy was delicious, the corn buttery, and there was so much
sodium and fat my heart is still cutting in and out – and it’s the
arrhythmia of love.
If they could maybe dress it up a little, and get away from the
insinuation of fresh barf, I think the public would embrace the Famous
Bowl. Not my wife, needless to
say, but the part of the population that lives in the moment, and never
bothers with such fancy-pants information as this.
I give the KFC Famous Bowl a solid B, docked a bit for its
off-putting appearance. And, for
the record, Andy is still not acting quite right.
Further fast food