April 27, 2004

40 Things Every Drunkard Should Do Before He Dies (Classic City Edition)

Although I too (like Buck) enjoyed the Chernobyl story immensely, I figured I'd give a personal perspective on the drunkard article. I have no experience with nuclear disasters.

1. Open and Close a Bar - Did this my graduating semester of college. It was a place called Joe's near campus on Baxter Street. I was there from literally 2pm that day to 2am that night, minus the 35 minutes I went to Gumby's for pizza rolls.
2. Go on a Bender - I had one of those 4-day benders while in my graduating semester of college. I showed back up at my apartment about an hour before a friend was going to call the cops.
3. Drink a fifth of hard liquor in a day - Yes, I did this too. Actually, I did this a few times. The drink of choice was always Jim Beam. I wouldn't say this is particularly difficult. Although I will say I almost died one night after I was pier pressured into drinking a half-gallon's worth of 151. I was a nice pasty white color for two full days afterwards. I won't ever touch that stuff or drink with Anton Shields again.
4. Dance Like a Fool in Front of a Crowd - Shit, I don't even need to be drunk for that. Throw on some Billy Squire and I'm good to go.
5. Spend a night in a drunk tank - Not yet, but I'm still young.
6. Get drunk at the grave of my hero - My hero is John Elway, so I guess I'll have to wait a few more years.
7. Buy a crowded bar a round - I'd have to be out of my mind drunk to do this. I did however yell out that one of my buddies wanted a Shirley Temple while in a crowded working class bar. The place literally came to a screeching halt. He hasn't been back in there since.
8. Embark on an impromptu road trip - I did buy greyhound bus tickets to Utah after a long night of drinking. Does that count?
9. Get 86'd from a bar - Not yet, but there are a few bars in town that I'd like to be banned from. The Classic City Saloon instantly comes to mind. Maybe this will be a future column.
10. Extravagantly over tip a bartender - As a rule, I would never do this. However, my roommate Dave is notorious for doing this and then never having enough money for paying the bills.
11. Buy an attractive stranger a drink - Have you seen me? I'm a sexy, intelligent guy. No chick is out of my league. Actually, never mind, I did that shit all the time when I was in undergrad.
12. Conspire an after hours at your favorite bar - No such luck, not even close.
13. Make Your Best friend a perfect martini - This must be something
those Yankee intellectualites do. I always have a nice cool bottle of High Life on hand for my bros.
14. Buy, Steal, or Build a Home Bar - I dropped the ball on this one. I
found a classic 70's style home bar and balked at paying $70 for it and the stools. Arguably one of the dumbest decisions I have ever made. It just makes me angry thinking about it.
15. Get carried home by your drinking buddies - I carry liquor very well and have never been this inebriated. I have on many occasions carried home several comrades. One of whom insisted on sleeping in a puddle downtown.
16. Get drunk with your father - My dad doesn't drink. One time he bought a 12-pack of Miller Lite and it sat in the fridge for like 3 months. Eventually my buddy Gary and I drank it one weekend when my parents were out of town.  Busting us the next day passed out on the living room floor, his comment was "At least you didn't drive anywhere."
17. Fight a good fight - People don't generally give me shit. The last real fight I was in I was a freshman in college and I hadn't been drinking.
18. Visit the source of your favorite drink - Beer tours just don't appeal to me. I have gone on a wine sampling tour before and got suckered into buying wine I didn't need.
19. Watch the sun come up with buddies - Did this a couple of times while in college. Other than the time we stayed up all night drinking waiting for a tornado to hit our apartment complex, which never happened, this is hardly an impressive feat.
20. Sit in on an A.A. meeting - I don't have a drinking problem. I can
quit any time.
21. Hit a dozen bars in one night - I most recently did this on New Years in Athens. Probably a more impressive feat in towns that don't have 40+ bars in one central location.
22. Try a least 100 different drinks - I suspect that most avid drinkers
my age and older have done this already. There is only so much Night Train grape wine a person can drink. One of my all time favorites was the house drink at the Velvet Elvis. It was called the Alien Encounter and all it took was two to get me lit up.
23. Get loaded in the land of your forefathers - Europeans are a dirty
lot and I would never go over there just to drink. Almost every European I have met, especially the soccer players, smells faintly of feet.
24. Juice on the job - This was a regular occurrence when I worked as a manager for a local Subway franchise. We often swapped subs for booze with the nearby liquor store. One night in particular, I snaked 2/3 of a bottle of Jim Beam from Ryan before he noticed. Over four years later he still bitches about it.
25. Split expensive champagne with your better half - I guess I'll have
to get married first.
26. Give a hobo 20 bucks - I've never given a hobo more than a dollar. By the way, local musical legend Michael Stipe often wanders around downtown dressed as a hobo.
27. Tell your boss how you feel - I'd rather talk about my bosses behind their back.
28. Send a friend a bottle of good liquor - Like I have any good friends.
29. Eat a pickled egg - I don't know about this. I have a hard enough
time swallowing oysters.
30. Go on fishing trips with your pals - I used to go on fishing trips
with my alcoholic uncle. One time we were chased by a rabid raccoon for about half a mile. Does that count?
31. Eat the worm - No fucking way.
32. Learn at least one traditional drinking song - I know "100 bottles of beer."
33. Steal some booze - Never, but I did buy a handle of Early Times
whiskey with loose change from the ashtray of my car.
34. Spend half a paycheck on a bottle of liquor - I do that already.
Boones Farm rules!
35. Start an autobiography - Here's the working title "I May Have Tied
That Woman Up and Fed Her Coke, But I Didn't Hit That Bitch: The Unbelievable Life and Times of Jason Castleberry."
36. Try absinthe - It would be easier for me to get illegal weapons than this stuff.
37. Watch Barfly - Is that a Dudley Moore movie? A better drinking movie that Swingers?
38. Work for a week as a bartender - Actually this is something I'd
really like to try.
39. Make your own alcohol - I have no experience in this, maybe Buck can write a column on it. I know I'd be interested.
40. Go to church drunk - I've never gone to church drunk, but I have peed against the side of one before. I suppose that is just about as bad.

Other things I've done while drunk/drinking:

1. Kicked in a bathroom door to free a friend.
2. Slashed someone's tires.
3. Puked and rallied.

Person I'd Like to Punch

This week I'd like to punch Jeff Tweedy of the band Wilco. Because of his addiction to pain killers, their concert in New Orleans was cancelled this last weekend. I honestly don't even like them all that much, too sensitive guy indie rock for my liking. However, I was really looking forward to hanging out in New Orleans for a few days.

But since I got to go to the Twilight Criterium instead, I'll just give him one good slug in the stomach. No reason to mess up his pretty face and have my girlfriend leave me.

Closing Arguments

All right people. Let's move along. Nothing to see here. I know I promised or maybe just casually mentioned that I would do an article about the Twilight Criterium, but I'll save it for next week.  I do have a shot of ME with one of the cyclists though. Take care and I'll holla at ya'll next week.

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