April 6, 2004

A Few Quick Words About Kurt Cobain

It's probably already made it's run on every music magazine in the country, but I just wanted to make note that 10 years ago on April 5th 1994 Kurt took a shotgun and offed himself Ernest Hemingway fashion. I was a senior in high school at the time and I remember where I was and whom I was talking to when I found out, just like how people remember just where they were when the heard JFK or MLK Jr. were killed.

My buddy Gary and I were walking out of Wal-Mart and we bumped into one of my co-workers from K-mart (who was going into Wal-Mart) and she told me that she just heard on the news that he was found dead at his home. We for sure thought she was fucking with us. Sure, he had almost died a few months prior from mixing wine with tranquilizers, but that just came with the territory of being a rock icon. It retrospect it was a clear cry for help.

The biggest disappoint for me was that I never got to see a Nirvana show. I figured time was on my side. That's what I get for putting my faith in someone who wrote and recorded the song "I Hate Myself and Want to Die."

With that said, this leads me to my next segment...

People I Want to Punch

I figured by now that Chris would have written a column about punching people, but I guess I beat him to it. Here they go in numerical order.

1) Courtney Love - Giving Courtney Love one solid punch in the face
would probably be the highlight of my life. She's a vampiric bitch of the highest order. Drug addict, advocate against free speech (when she's the subject), bad mother, and rich skank are just a few words to describe her. I wouldn't even punch her because of Kurt; I'd punch her because of "Malibu." As a bonus, I'd probably stomp on her head too if she goes down fast enough before her guards break me in half.

2) Scott Stapp - Unfortunately someone has already beaten me to it as I distinctly remember him getting his ass kicked in some bar in Florida a couple of summers ago. Even so, being self-righteous does not excuse you from multiple beatings. Plus, he gets it for clearly ripping off Pearl Jam's sound and refusing to admit it.


3) President Bush - Although, this will probably be declared an act of
treason and you'll be sending your emails to  Jason@terroristdisposalcamp.com, it would be a blast to bitch slap Rick James style that cocky/goofy grin right off his face. Maybe I'll wear a flight jacket while I do it and show of my non-Viagra induced woody for the cameras. I'd punch Dick Cheney too, but I just might kill doughboy with his weak heart and all. Besides ruining the
economy, dragging us into war, blah blah blah, he's due for a beating because I can barely afford to drive my hoopty with gas prices these days.

4) Dale Earnhardt's corpse - Yes, it's true. I would even punch the
corpse of a person who has been dead for two years. Dale's death was the catalyst that moved NASCAR into the top four American sports behind Football, Baseball, & Basketball. I wonder if his mustache has grown out to fu Manchu length by now? Could I take his jaw off in one swing? Have you decided to read a different column?


5) George Lopez - I'm not sure about this guy. He's not particularly
funny, and I swear I heard him call some white guy during the Macy's
Thanksgiving Parade a honky on live TV. I was probably drunk though. Either way, he gives me bad vibes.

I'm sure I could think of more people, but my brain is kind of fried right
now. Maybe I'll make it a weekly part of my column. Who will Jason consider assaulting next week? Stay tuned!

We Got Em!!!

As you may or may not know, The Georgia General Assembly voted last week to make marriage between "a man and a woman" the only acceptable version allowed in the state. Thank God for Southern Baptist rednecks. I wonder how many awkward white-guy high fives were exchanged after that vote. The next step is for the general public to vote on the proposed Amendment to the Georgia Constitution on November 2nd. Seeing that this is the same state that gleefully ran out our previous Governor because he changed the state flag without the consent of the voters, this new Amendment will surely pass successfully. This new Amendment won't even grant homosexuals the same flimsy "separate but equal" rights provided to African-Americans by the Jim Crow Laws passed in the 40's & 50's. I can see the new Interstate signs now. Welcome to Georgia, proudly suppressing minority groups since 1785!

The Sexiest Women of 2002

In 2002 Stuff magazine put out a supplement to one of their issues labeled the "102 Sexiest Women in the World 2002." I won't sit here and rate all 102, mostly because even two full years later, almost a third of them haven't even popped up on the radar. Fine examples of this are:

81) Sarah Wynter
66) Vinessa Shaw
41) Chyler Leigh
24) Elisa Benitez
16) Patricia Velasquez

What I will do though is rate the top 10 and see if they still have what it takes to be in the top 10 for 2004. This is according to me, not Stuff magazine.

10) Brooke Burke - I didn't realize this until recently when I saw her on some show on VH1 called "Hollywood Moms," but Brooke has got a five-year-old son. Brooke is still ridiculously hot and has one of the best stomachs I've ever seen. She's probably no longer top 10, radar wise, but still in the top 20.

9) Shakira - She's probably the hottest 4'11" woman in the world.
Unfortunately, I haven't seen her since the Pepsi ads of over a year ago. Shakira drops down to the 40's until she makes a new CD and shakes her bottom.

8) Jamie Pressly- Jamie was a white trash dream in "Joe Dirt." She used to have a real muscular shape, but is looking a bit on the thin side these days. Jamie gets dumped into the 30's.

7) Beyonce - I suspect that Stuff gambled on Beyonce blowing up in the two years following this supplement. My personal favorite Beyonce video is "Bootylicious." Still a top 10 today, probably even in this same spot. Would have been number 1 last year.

6) Angelina Jolie - Talk about stock dropping. Through her own decision-making, Angelina has decided to shy away from being considered hot. I suspect that she would even be upset to be added to this very type of list today. Clearly no longer top 10 material, but I did like her Oscar gown. Her craziness alone would keep her in the 40's though.

5) Alyssa Milano - Something tells me that Stuff was doing Alyssa a favor by including her in the top five. She was always more than willing to help out Stuff's sister magazine Maxim when it was trying to get a foothold here in the States. I had a huge crush on her when I was 10 and watching "Who's the Boss." The "Charmed" era Alyssa just doesn't do it for me. She's probably dropped the most, probably into the 80's.

4) Heather Graham - Maybe I'm wrong about Alyssa dropping the most. This list was put together soon after Heather's movie roles in Boogie Nights, Swingers, and Bowfinger. She was clearly a hot commodity then and you got appreciate a woman who's not afraid to bare all. Unfortunately, she may not even crack the list this year.

3) Cameron Diaz - According the supplement, Cameron was the 2001 Sexiest Woman of the World. I guess she has just kept slipping. Cameron still would find herself in the top 25 though.

2) Jennifer Lopez - Jennifer was clearly peaking at this time of her life. Recently freed from Puff Daddy and married to one of her dancers, Jennifer was all over the news, movies, and the radio. There has been a significant backlash against J-Lo in the last several months and I think I've even heard reports that her ass really isn't "all that." You could still argue that she's pretty hot and might still make the list this year at number 10.

1) If you haven't figured it out by now, the number 1 sexiest woman in the world for 2002 according to Stuff magazine was singer/actress Britney Spears. I've never been all that impressed with her, but I'd say even today she'd still be in the top 5.

Well that's it for now. I'm sure I've bored you long enough. Time for me to drink a High Life and watch some COPS! As always, feel free to email me at jacsv76@hotmail.com or leave a post in the forum. I'd like to thank everyone who linked up to my profile on  Friendster over the last week. I'm always willing to accept more. Take care y'all!

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