March 23, 2004

Shock and Awe my Ass

In an effort to have an active and interesting 20-something lifestyle so I don't get blasted on the forums, I braved the elements recently and attended the Henry Rollins spoken word show, "Shock and Awe my Ass," and the fabulous 40 Watt here in scenic Athens, Georgia. Rollins, smart enough to realize he is probably past his prime musically at 43, has morphed himself into a commentator/comedian of sorts. He's been doing this for the last several years and has even put out a few CD's of just spoken word. During this period, he has visited Athens a few times, but this has been the first time I got to see him.

He mostly talked about politics and masturbation, which are two things I think about on a daily basis, so I think he did a good job connecting with his crowd. In this case it was disaffected college students and young professionals. In between, he talked about his experience at the Kill Bill premiere, meeting Ike Turner, doing USO shows, finding a mate, and people robbing his home. It made me wish I had a more interesting lifestyle. You just wish I had a more interesting column.

Rollins closed the show talking about how he had just finished recording a song with William Shatner and produced by Ben Folds. No bullshit. I don't know if it will make Jeff's Amazon wish list, but at least you can say you heard it here first. Unless you saw the show or are Henry Rollins.

20 Hours in Augusta

This past weekend my girlfriend, Sonya, and I drove down to see my old buddy Jeff in Augusta. Augusta is one of those old money Southern towns that still hold dear a certain sense of traditionalism. What that means, I'm not sure. I think it might have something to do with belittling womenfolk and lynch mobs. Feel free to correct me if I am wrong on this.

Anyway, we met Jeff and his new ladyfriend at his home and went out to Famous Dave's BBQ to eat. I pigged out and made every effort to disgust my vegetarian girlfriend to no avail. She must have this uncanny ability to block me out on an as needed basis. Anyway, it's a franchised establishment, so check it out if you ever get a chance.

Unfortunately, after dinner, the rest of the evening went downhill. At about 10pm we found ourselves in downtown Augusta, which can be best described as slightly rundown and deserted. Since I've never been to any of the bars Augusta had to offer, the itinerary was planned by the two women that Jeff was with. Bad idea.

The first bar we found ourselves at was the Greene Street Karaoke Bar. I don't know how this was thought of as a good idea since the only time the state of Georgia has seen it fit for me to sing is when I am in my car, alone, with the windows up. It's a bad scene. Maybe one day I'll include a sample. William Hung's got nothing on me. One time with Jeff, we cleared out a bar and grill with our rendition of "Dream On."

So we're at this bar and I am in Hell. The place had a distinctive crowd, but the whole scene was just a little too weird for me. Within 30 minutes I knew exactly how Dirk Diggler felt at the end of Boogie Nights during the botched drug deal/robbery scene. I had the face. If you haven't seen Boogie Nights, check it out and see what I mean.

Admittedly, despite totally hating the place, many of the singers were fairly good. My favorite of the night had to be this biker-looking dude singing the Sammy Davis Jr. classic "The Candyman." At that moment I knew for sure I was in a David Lynch film. I still have nightmares about it. Who can take the sunrise...

Thankfully we left and moved on to the Soul Bar. (Before I go any further I should admit to my three readers that I am a bit of a bar snob. There are simply some bars I do not go into. Usually its because I don't like the crowd (frat bars), or the music is too loud, or they have scummy drink specials, or they give off a bad vibe, or they charge a cover for no legitimate reason.)

Had I not been so happy to leave the karaoke bar, I would have never gone inside the Soul Bar based on the fact they had a $3 cover and no band. This ain't Studio 54 bitch! However, the music was trendy enough, they had a younger crowd, and Sonya paid my cover to get in. Someday I'll give her a reason to stick around.

Surprisingly enough, my relief gradually disintegrated to disappointment. I couldn't put my finger on it, but something wasn't right. However, as I was sitting down at the bar having a beer it became clear as a saw an exchange between a group of punk rockers and some frat guys.

One of the punk rockers bumped into one of the frat guys and apologized. WTF? In Athens, that punk rocker (better known locally as townies) wouldn't even have looked back. That would have been beneath him. So then it occurred to me that this bar, a sampling of the Augusta young adult crowd, was full of posers! You had the frat guys not trying to look too dumb, the punk rockers trying to look disaffected, and the white-boy-hip-hoppers trying to look hard. It had to be one of the saddest moments in my life.

In retrospect it occurred to me that Augusta has historically been an ultra conservative town and these kids were just trying to find their way and not be exactly like their parents. But screw em, give it up and get that accounting degree or your real estate license, you're not fooling anyone. And yes, I can make snap judgments at will, I drink Miller High Life.

The next day I was petting one of the horses that Jeff owns and it proceeded to sneeze on me. I don't know if you have ever seen or felt horse snot, but it's thick, black and sticky. Sonya and I bolted out of town 15 minutes later. I usually have a great time when I visit Jeff, but I've never been happier to get back to Athens in my life.

Sonya's Corolla

As I reported last time, Sonya's Corolla made a bitch out of me when I tried to change the windshield wipers. However, God saw fit that I did not come off as a total wimp and gave her a blown out tire. I expertly changed it out with the donut in a matter of minutes. Unfortunately, she had to buy a new tire. I'll gladly accept donations on her behalf.

Dawn of the Dead

I don't have the time right away to do a full review of the new Dawn of the Dead film, but I will say that it was a pretty decent horror film. I'm a huge fan of Romero's 1978 classic as I spent many nights a few years back drinking myself stupid while watching this film after a breakup with a former girlfriend. Anyway, it got me to thinking exactly where I would go in case a zombie outbreak occurred here in Athens. The mall is a total wash because it blows, the University has many strong buildings but food sources would be limited, the average run of the mill gas station would be overrun too quickly, and my apartment is perpetually devoid of food. Then it occurred to me. The Super Wal-Mart would be the place to hole up, and it's only minutes from my house. Hell, I could get there by foot if I had to. And there are
really only a few entrances to block. Also, it's stocked with food, firearms, and generally have their own generators. So, if you find yourself under zombie attack, go to Wal-Mart. It's the low price leader in zombie survival.

I suppose you all better get back to work. As always, feel free to email me at jacsv76@hotmail.com. You can always rip on me in the forum if that is more your speed. Take care.

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