September 22, 2004

Back for the Attack

After a much-needed vacation, a bout with abject laziness, some amazing poker loses, and a crazy workweek, I'm ready to resume my place as the Wednesday or Thursday guest columnist.  I noticed in my absence that a new guest columnist has popped up to steal away my three regular readers. Damn! Let's just say I wont go out without a giving the old college try, which means I'll drink a few beers, bitch and moan, and act on it tomorrow.

One More Year Down the Drain

While away I celebrated my 28th birthday. I celebrated by waking up feeling like shit and then going to bed at 10pm that night. Just a sad show all together. Anyway, I've been thinking about how I can't believe it's been ten years since I had almost no cares in the world. I actually have missed the days when I could do stupid shit all day long with no consequences.

For example, while driving on my way home this afternoon, The Red Hot Chili Peppers "Breaking the Girl" song came on the radio. I got thinking about the video and how they were all wearing those funky colored robes and then towards the end of the song how Flea totally flips out and does this psychotic chicken dance. And then I think about how we used to pull our shirts over our heads and imitate the same thing. If I tried that shit today, I'd lose what little respect I've earned.

And then there's that, when did I give a shit about respect! I got yelled at today at work because my boss felt I wasn't getting enough respect from my assistants. "You're to lax with them...blah blah blah."  If I was in the same scenario in high school, I would have just rolled my eyes and said "sure, whatever". Instead, I said I'd be firmer, like I was dealing with terrorism or something. What the fuck happened to my backbone?

Anyway, I think I'm starting to hit my late-20's life crisis where I realize that things are not going as well as I dreamed they would. Of course, I have dreams about zombies playing poker and figuring pot odds.

Where Are My Great Teen Comedies?

I was alphabetizing my movie collection the other day and something awful occurred to me. There are no great teen comedies associated with my teenage years. The years from 1990-1994 are a complete wash. I'm serious, there's nothing. The late 80's just had hit after hit after hit. Take a look at just a few of the movies I own:

Better Off Dead - 1985
Heathers - 1988
License to Drive - 1988
Johnny Be Good - 1988
Can't Buy Me Love - 1987

We got totally pipe fucked. In fact, after much thought, only two movies came to my attention: Mallrats and Dazed & Confused. Dazed & Confused didn't even come out until the Spring of 1994. Mallrats came out in 1995. Ben Affleck and Jason London were in both, so that tells you how sad that whole period was.

Instead we were treated to classics like Basic Instinct, The Doors,
Terminator 2, One False Move, Kids, Boyz in the Hood, and Reservoir Dogs. No wonder most people my age are humorless fucks. We've been brainwashed into thinking hot armed bitches are going to shoot us in the back while listening to the Judgment Night soundtrack while at a clinic to get an HIV test.

However, it might be even worse for the current crop of teenagers. What do they have to call their own? The American Pie trilogy? Of course, I did enjoy The Girl Next Door and Mean Girls. Never mind, fuck the teenagers.

Long Live the Football Gods

I'm not one add insult to injury, ok, actually I am. So that's why I'm happy to report that rookie tight end Kellen Winslow Jr. of the Cleveland Browns broke his leg during the final minutes of Sunday's game against the Dallas Cowboys. Winslow, besides being a loud mouth who has never consistently played to the best of his potential, sat out most of the pre-season in a contract dispute. He ultimately won, making him the highest paid tight end (based on incentives) in NFL history. It appears he'll now be out most or all of the season.

Also of note is the fact that the LSU Tigers lost a game to a made PAT after the first one by Auburn went wide. Due to a personal foul, Auburn got to re-kick it and won the game. Only two weeks ago, LSU staved off defeat to Oregon State because they (Oregon) missed 3 PAT's, giving LSU a one point win. Turn about is fair play.

CHECK IT OUT!!!

I know I keep harping on this, but you should totally check out the Too Real Americans website. We've gotten quite a few posts now and it's starting to take a life all it's own. Anyway, you can reach it here. Leave a comment. Call us redneck hicks. Just let us know you were there.

Anyway, that's all for this week. Stayed tuned for more action in the next installment. Danny Maverick and I will fight to the death! Email your favorite wrestling moves to jacsv76@hotmail.com.

And remember, THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS AN ASSHOLE!!!

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