by "Buck"

September 18, 2003

FOOTBALL DRUNKERY - I must admit that when I was in college, I was a complete idiot.  When I attended football games at the University of Tennessee I was rarely sober.   I used to yell and scream obscenities at adults who felt like I was a waste of skin.   I now realize, by attending a game without the affluence of inkahol, just how absolutely stupid I really looked.    I attended the West Virginia/Cincinnati game in Morgantown last weekend.   During the pregame festivities, a drunken guy and his girlfriend came barreling down law school hill head over heels.  They crashed into a trashcan, upsetting the can, and spilling the contents all over the place.   As these two rolled around in the mess, two cops came over and told them to pick it up and put it back in the can or they would be arrested.    He was so drunk that he continued to fall down.  She got mad because he was too incapacitated to do anything and was throwing trash at the barrel-and at him-in wild fashion.  The cops and the other 10-thousand people witnessing this were gathering great amusement at how both were making complete asses of themselves.  They didn't seem to care or notice.

RAIN - Why does it always happen that when I plan an outing, it rains?   You'll recall my dove hunt from a few weeks back... rained out.   I drove to Morgantown on Friday afternoon under a blue, cloudless sky and watched a gorgeous sunset on the majestic mountains.   On Saturday, it was beautiful when I left for the game.   I enjoyed some great barbecue at one of the hospitality tents, but when I emerged it was pouring.  The hell?  Where did that come from?    I made my way to the stadium with NO RAIN GEAR.  I sat in the driving drizzle and proceeded to watch one of the worst football games in the history mankind.   The Mountaineers fumbled 11 times!   The worst part was they only lost by 2 points...that's miserable football.     I left.   Sunday as I drove home, there was a cloudless blue sky.  Go figure.

SCANNER-There's nothing to keep you up to date on what's happening like the old police scanner.    I have a scanner, but since moving to Hurricane a few years ago, I'm yet to reprogram it. Therefore, it's utterly worthless.   I need to get all of the new frequencies for all of the local law enforcement and emergency personnel programmed in.   One problem-I've lost the instructions.  I cannot for the life of me figure out how to program this damn thing.   I got it for Christmas about ten-years ago, but simply cannot figure it out without literary guidance. Therefore it continues to sit there gathering dust while lunatics are being arrested on an hourly basis without my knowledge. Tragic.

BIG SNAKE - The new state trooper living in our neighborhood has had a rude awakening.  No the recovering drug addict hasn't bothered him-yet.   He's lived in his new house for a grand total of five days and killed three copperheads.   The biggest of these was a dandy, measuring about four-feet long.  I'm an outdoorsman and I've seen a lot of snakes in my time.  This is the biggest copperhead I've ever seen-including those you always see under a glass case at a zoon.   He and my other neighbor killed it with a shovel after it sought refuge in the bumper of the state police cruiser.    They cut its head off and then sought my guidance.  I was able to confirm it was a copperhead.  I'm convinced this was the mother and the others, all smaller, have been her young.  There's apparently a den nearby.  Lock up the kids.

GETTIN' NEKED! - Those of you who have followed my ramblings on the WVSR realize I came from a pretty conservative, Bible belt-buckle area.   Well, there's a new explosion on the home front.    The Barter Theater in Abingdon, Virginia is the State Theatre of Virginia.   We used to go there on field trips in high school.   I never was much of a theater fan, but what the hell; it got us out of class.    However, there's a new play coming to the stage there in the coming weeks that would certainly have offered plenty of incentive to a high school boy.    It's some modern day play that calls for nudity-no not your run of the mill soft core, quick nipple shot covered with a bed sheet, nudity.  I'm talking full-frontal nudity-both male and female. Letting it ALL hang out there.   There's apparently a scene in the play where the actor and actress bare it all in a scene that lasts five minutes.   Good gracious-a five minute beaver shot in high school for educational purposes would have been unprecedented excess.   Predictably, the locals are outraged and will be arriving with torches and pitchforks.    I'm inclined to agree with them, but my opinion is neither here nor there since I'm certainly no artsy fartsy.  Regardless of the "beauty and art form"  I can only appreciate such a scene for what it is, a five minute beaver shot in which dialogue would be meaningless and likely unheard.   If I were in the crowd, I'd be the one whistling, cat calling, and trying to hand the actress a dollar.      I'm so cultured.

WHO GIVES A SHIT? - Why does everyone on earth think I give a flying rat's ass about whether Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez get married?    The broad-assed J-Lo is supposedly devastated after Ben cut it off with cold feet.   Ah, a taste of real life for a pampered and spoiled bitch.  As for Affleck, credit him with at least realizing the mistake earlier.   Hollywood takes the institution of marriage and makes a mockery of it.   I don't know why they even bother with vows-since there's no such thing.  It's sad that a life-long marriage in Hollywood is a news story.   I thought that was what it was supposed to be that way anyhow.   I get frosted at most pop culture stuff because it's presented to us in a neat little package as if to say this is real life.   I doubt Ben ever clocked in to earn nine-dollars an hour digging coal or J-Lo worked a double shift cleaning motel rooms.   Get over yourselves.

FAMOUS WEST VIRGINIANS - This is a state so bereft of heroes that we actually latch on to anybody.   Chris and Mr. Kay have discussed this, but I cannot emphasize how true it really is.   The odd thing about famous West Virginians-they don't live here anymore.   The List:

Chuck Yeager from Myra, W.Va., now resides in Grass Valley, California and returns here on a rare occasion.  The airport in Charleston is named after him.  During an interview last year he actually dissed the place and said it was a poor excuse for an airport, but then he should know.

Kathy Mattea, from Cross Lanes, W.Va. now lives in Nashville but reportedly has been back here taking care of her parents in recent years.

Brad Paisley from Glen Dale, W.Va.  now lives in Nashville.  He comes home now and then, but by no means lives here.  His wife, who's a babe on that show with Jim Belushi, probably won't hear of visiting here.

Mary Lou Retton from Fairmont, W.Va. lives in Texas.  I've lived here ten-years and have seen her only in Revco Commercials. 

Jerry West from Chelyan, W.Va., lived in LA for years, now probably lives in Memphis.  He visits occasionally, but doesn't live here for sure.

Jennifer Garner, from Charleston, W.Va.  probably couldn't care less about is place, she's now in Hollywood trying to live down the fact that her family moved her here from Texas when she was in high school.

Little Jimmy Dickens, from Bolt, W.Va. lives in Nashville and you probably never heard of him unless you're a deep rooted country music fan.  He's old country, VERY old.  To show how old, his greatest hit is "An Old Cold 'Tater."   You can see him in Brad Paisley's video "Celebrity."  He's the goofy guy in the leisure suit and cowboy hat that the chick from the Bachelor picks instead of Brad. 
    
Then there are those famous people who have moved here.   Bob Denver "Gilligan" lives on top of a mountain in Princeton.  Former NFL quarterback Jeff Hostettler lives in Morgantown.   I think Nick Nolte has a house in Charleston.  Leslie Nielson also lives here from time to time.    

If anybody famous grows up in West Virginia, returns here and says good things about the state-they are extended god-like status here.  Just look at Jessica Lynch.  She's a newcomer to the fold, but she's carried on a pillow by the home folks here.  All you have to do is be proud you're from here and you're in.  Jessica still lives in Wirt County, but for how long-who knows?      We're so bad that we claim Stonewall Jackson as a native-he's a traitor to the United States, but we still named a lake and state park after him. 

WAL-MART BABES - I can honestly say I never thought I'd use those words in a sentence, but it's happening.  We've reached rock-bottom.   Playboy has announced plans to do a spread on the "Ladies of Wal-Mart."    This should be interesting.   Wal-Mart is West Virginia's largest private employer.    There are probably 40 or 50 Wal-Marts here... that's a bunch considering the state only has about 1.8 million people.    It's about the only place left to shop and drives out a lot of the smaller businesses.    Judging from our crop of Wal-Mart Ladies, I'd have to believe they'll look elsewhere. 

FOOTBALL UPDATE:  The Mountaineers got a shit kicking last week at the hands of that Conference USA powerhouse Cincinnati.  As I mentioned I went to that dreadful game.   I can always say I was there when the record was broken...for turnovers.   TEN turnovers by WVU. and the sad thing is they only lost by 2 points.    They are in for a severe ass whipping this weekend in Maryland on the heels of the Hurricane.   Marshall, a week after putting a scare into my beloved Tennessee Vols, lost to TOLEDO!    This week it's another budget booster and ass smacker as they take on Kansas State on the road.  Good night Irene.  As for the Vols... they're in for a shitkicker as well at Florida.    I gotta get some new teams to follow.

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